The "M" Word

It seems to me that people get uncomfortable when I talk about things as being 'moral' i.e.: a moral responsibility, or a moral commitment. However it is one of my deeply held beliefs (yeah, it seems I have a lot of those) that when something you are engaged in has the power to elevate you, and help you access your relationship to the Universal, it is a moral activity.

So, marriage is clearly a moral activity. So is sex, and so is parenting. Actually, so is taking good care of your physical self. If we abandon any of these things, we walk away from our true being. Being your true self is clearly a moral activity.

So to me, in order to engage in parenting to the fullest extent of the obligation, I have to be able to answer some basic questions about the moral aspect of the job. Questions like:

1) what are the moral lessons being taught in my house

2) what is the language being used to discuss moral issues

3) how am I engaging my children in their moral development

The answers are not always easy to come up with, but grappling with the questions is an obligation I owe my kids.

The 'Self' of our child

Here is another personal opinion of mine on parenting:

To my mind, it is inalterable that parents will infringe on the sense of self of their children.

Many of the tasks assigned to parents require this. For example, there are times when I must substitute my judgement for their own, or when I must make them do things they may judge to be counter to their own true desires (my child wants to stay home and work on an art 'project' about which she is excited, but I make her go to school).

Furthermore, just by being in the role of 'Mom' things I say go to the core of the child - things that should not, but do. So for example I might say, "Please stop humming! I can't take it right now!" My child may absorb that she is annoying, and her humming is an irritation. Were she just a friend and not my child, she might in that moment instead think, "Wow, she is overstimulated!" or "What a bitch! I'll hum if I want!" But as my child, my interpretation of her goes into the central arena of her identity.

So, to ignore this, that we tread on the sense of self of our children, is to put blinders on. My continuing (imperfect) practice is to be in awareness of this. I see that I take up space in their central narrative.

I'll let you know when my kids are teenagers and explain to me everything I did wrong, if my awareness of this had any positive impact!

Family Size

I am delighted that we are expecting baby #4 in the spring. Being pregnant with my fourth has been an interesting study in the thoughts and feelings people have about family size.

Many people have said things like, "Oh my gosh, you guys are crazy!," or, "Wow, you're really pushing your luck!" or, "You are going to be swamped with housework when the new baby comes!" or, "You guys sure like to make things complicated!"

It is so different from the response you hear when you become pregnant with your first, second, or even third, baby. It seems as though, for many people, three kids makes a 'reasonable' family size, while four is somehow too big, or too risky.

I am very interested to hear how other people decided they were 'done' (so to speak), and why 4 is the magic 'too big' number.

Personally, when I got married I said I wanted 5 kids, and I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers, so having 4 kids does not feel like giant family (though I am sure there are times when it will! Even ONE felt like a lot sometimes!).

Oh, and one more note about the reaction people have: when I was visiting my sister in LA every one of her friends reacted positively saying things like, "Oh my gosh you are so lucky!" - maybe the 4-is-too-many thing is regional?

Another Parenting 'Big Rock'

My wise older sister, Annika, says that one of the most powerful things she has to offer her kids is her instincts so if she doesn't follow her instinct, she is failing her kids (In this instance, the words 'instinct' and 'intuition' are interchangable). I think she is totally right about this. So, the parenting challenge is to figure out the difference between INSTINCT and FEAR. Letting fear determine the path of any project or relationship is a terrible idea, and I think in parenting it is a mission critical issue.

How do we develop the ability to tell the difference between instinct and fear? My conclusion has been that if I can exercise my instinct in other areas, and develop my ability to feel it in general, then it will be easier to identify when I really need it. Do you have any ideas about how to do this? I would love to hear them.

PS: If you don't get the 'big rock' reference, check out this author's summary of the idea made popular by Stephen Covey:

http://zenhabits.net/big-rocks-first-double-your-productivity-this-week/

Finding Faith

There is that saying that for some people faith is like walking across a river. The image is meant to be one of crossing over - one day you don't have faith, and the next you walk on the shores of faith, and that is that. Others (was it Kierkegaard?) claim that 'faith is the work of a lifetime' (I'm sure Nathan can correct me on that one). For me, there were years when I wasn't even sure what 'faith' was referring to - faith in what?

Then one day I looked at Chris as we grappled with a tough decision. It may have been something about whether to move back to the US or to stay in the UK. I looked at Chris as we balanced our shared desires for our life together and it hit me: as hard as this journey can sometimes be, this would be so much harder if I were I paired with someone else. It would be pure hubris to continue to believe that it was through my infinite wisdom that I made the choice to marry him. In fact, looking back at our meeting at age 14 and his unwavering presence in my life, it was almost laughable that I hadn't seen it before: my relationship with Chris and the love we share was a gift for us from the Universe for this journey, this life.

In that moment, because of my relationship with my husband, I came to believe in a higher power, or, in my lexicon, the Universal.

So, thanks to marriage, I crossed the river.

I think there are many paths in life towards an experience of the Universal. And. as described by Marcus Borj in his book (I don't know how to underline in this program!) "Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time," that moment of accessing the Universal is a sensation of parting the curtain and seeing reality from another (truer) perspective. Then, for most of us, the curtain drops. For some that moment is transformative. (Borj argues that every now and then in history there is someone, like Jesus, who never drops the curtain.)

I know there are other means to access that curtain-lifted sensation. Meditation? Chanting? Childbirth? What do you think? Have you had a moment where you have a sensation of accessing knowledge of the Universal?

Sometimes, I suck

I mean, really. Sometimes I shout, lose my patience, fail to recognize when I am overwhelmed or overstimulated, behave selfishly, fail to see how my actions affect those around me, say things that are rude, butt my nose in where it doesn't belong...you get the idea.

So, when I do any of these things to my kids, I apologize. In The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery (don't tell me the end, I haven't finished it), one of the protagonists, a young teenage girl has 'figured out' the essential meaninglessness of life and has therefore decided to commit suicide, says:

The problem is that children believe what adults say and, once they're adults themselves, they exact their revenge by deceiving their own children. 'Life has meaning and we grown-ups know what it is' is the universal lie that everyone is supposed to believe. Once you become an adult and you realize that's not true, it's too late. The mystery remains intact, but all your available energy has long been wasted on stupid things. All that's left is to anesthetize yourself by trying to hide the fact that you can't find any meaning in your life, and then, the better to convince yourself, you deceive your own children. (p. 22)

Though I am not sure this point of view necessarily leads to death, I do think the conflict is between the God-hood of the parents and the growing realization in the child that she has subverted her own SELF (more on that later) for people who are fallible and maybe even liars.

So, maybe, by acknowledging that I do, in fact, sometimes suck, I might enable my kids to, on occasion, substitute their judgement for mine. They might over-ride me. Then maybe later when they see that I am wholly NOT God-like, they won't be so mad, or so disillusioned.

Also, it leads me to believe that there is a deep (moral) obligation to develop awareness of my own self-deceptions to alleviate my need to deceive my children. The job of coming closer to living in reality is a moral one, and one that I owe to my children. I have to believe that the work I do will propel them into a more intimate relationship with reality (a less deceived existence?), and might even enable them to have easier access to the Universal.

Thoughts?

The Biggest Part of the Job

Another firmly held belief I have is that when our children are going through challenging times, it is not a poor reflection on our parenting - we are not meant to put ourselves in between our children and their lives. Rather, we should ask ourselves, "What unique gift to I have that I could bring to bear on this situation?" or, said another way, "Why would the Universe have given me THIS child, with THIS journey? What it is about me that makes me the perfect match for this small human being with these specific struggles?"

If you can find the answer to that question, then even in the most difficult times, you can find a way to make a positive contribution.

It is such an honor, an almost overwhelming sense of being entrusted, to parent someone. To parent someone in their most challenging times is doubly so. It lets you know that the Universe trusted you to fine TRUTH even in difficulty. If you instead look at your child's struggles as a criticism of YOU, you miss the opportunity to lend a calm and guiding hand to the child with which the Universe entrusted you.

Summer Homework

I am not a school teacher - that job is not a good fit with my skill set. I see my job as being an advocate for my child in their school, and as a sort-of 'support staff' for the teacher. Also, I try to give my kids every chance possible to have a positive academic experience. To that end, each child has homework over the summer; it just seems like a lot to ask to take a three month break and then dive right back into the material. I don't teach anything new to the kids, rather we just do worksheets that support what they learned already this year.

For each page completed without complaining (I don't mean complaining like, "I need help! This is hard!" I mean complaining like, "I hate homework, I don't waaaana dooo it"), they get a point (see my earlier post about the summer point system). I cannot tell you what it feels like to have all three kids after breakfast this morning say, "Can we please do homework?"

So now on a Sunday morning, all three kids are working on homework, Chris and I are helping and being present, and I am in family bliss. This is, to me, a successful 'experiment' in summer homework.

Trying to be a grown-up: The Mood Thermometer

I was talking with a friend recently and she described something that I think many people feel. She said that some days she feels down, and then feels bad that she feels down, and can't figure out how to cheer up, and feels guilty about that. It is a spiral downward.

So, I suggested that she make a mood thermometer. Rating her mood from 1-9 (that range was her suggestion), the top third would be a great, productive mood, the middle third would be a sort of ok to 'blah' mood, and the bottom third would be a sluggish, unproductive, crappy mood.

Then, we would come up with a list for each section of activities in which she could engage that might elevate her mood. For example, doing errands when you are in the bottom third would not likely elevate your mood. However, if you are in the middle third, being productive in that way might actually be cheering.

Further, we would develop a list of activities that are not appropriate to engage in given your mood rating. Obviously, when you are in the bottom third, you really need to avoid complicated marital discussions. Also, trying to cook dinner while talking on the phone in a noisy kitchen is probably not possible when you are in the middle third (maybe that's just me). Get the idea?

It seems simplistic, maybe, but to me being responsible for your own mood, and having the self-awareness to manage it, is worth tackling.

Townhouse Spring Garden (before the heat!)

One of many thoughts about marriage:

I have observed women feel comfortable saying, and doing, things to their partner that they would find completely unacceptable from their male spouse. So, for example, I have heard women literally roll their eyes in exasperation at their husband’s sexual overtures. Or say, “Oh my gosh, I could never leave him in charge of the kids ALL WEEKEND!” Ha ha.

It seems in some circles that it is amusing and totally acceptable for wives to treat their husbands as if their needs, desire for intimacy, and ability to parent, are all completely dismissible. I, for one, cannot imagine how painful it would be to live with that attitude from my spouse; my heart would break. Luckily, it seems that it takes men a lot longer to reach their emotional breaking point than it would take me, however, I cannot imagine this does not damage the power of the connection between spouses.

One of my deeply held beliefs is that marriage is a moral undertaking, and that through our commitment to that relationship, we can come to be in closer relationship with the Universal. When we use words or take actions that are damaging to the soul of our partner, we undermine the possibility that we may reach a higher state through that relationship. In other words:

marriage + kindness and respect= a closer relationship with the Universal

marriage + a dismissive and demeaning attitude = the abandonment of the moral aspect of the commitment = no chance to come to know the Universal through marriage

I know relationships are complicated and varied. Really, I do. It isn’t easy or painless to practice being in relationship in a way that reflects our best integrity. It is hard and scary work.

Personal Theories

So, I spend a lot of time thinking about parenting. In equal measure, I also spend time thinking about the nature of the Universal, and about marriage. I have theories about each of these areas, so why not write about them here? No one is reading this anyway… ;)

Traveling 'chart' - points for positive participation:

Usually, as a way of helping the kids visualize some of the behaviors they need to work on, we use a chart. But, when traveling (as we do a lot in the summer), routines are different and 'challenge behaviors' are not the same. For instance, during the school year, 'complete homework before bed' might be a challenge behavior.

When traveling, I really need to foster a sense of group purpose and responsibility. So this summer we are using a point system. Each time a child does a 'job' when asked, cheerfully, he or she gets a point. If I have to ask three times, you can't get a point for it. Also, if you break rules or work against the group, you can lose a point. When you get points that equal double your age in years, you get a prize.

This has worked BRILLIANTLY. The kids have packed their own bags, carried the bags to the car, helped clear dishes and sweep after dinner at their great-aunt's house, and myriad other fantastic behaviors. And, they have done them cheerfully.

It is my belief that I cannot change their personalities, and I would never try to. It is also my belief that part of my job is to teach them how to function in a group. The point system is working superbly for us this summer!

Parenting

One of the things I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about, and practicing, is parenting. I'll let you in on all my 'experiments' here :)

Parenting Success!

Making a Record

I'm not sure what the purpose of the blog actually IS, though it seems to me that in the past there would have been more of a written record - letters, journals...

So, I am going to take the time to make notes, and add thoughts, here. Time whizzes by when you are a mom, and it is amazing how quickly we forget the details.