So little Georgie is now almost 6 months old (!) and his needs have changed a lot. I am amazed EVERYDAY at how much less intensive it is to manage the fourth baby than it was the first. For me, the learning curve was so steep - it made the experience very intense. Luckily, this little guy has a sunny disposition and especially loves watching his siblings, so this has truly been a pleasure. My mother told me I'm not allowed to say this, but honestly I recommend having a fourth baby! (Please, no one have a baby purely on my recommendation, ok??)
Ok so, gear...here are the items that I would recommend once the newborn days are behind you:
EATING
My favorite high chair - it attaches to the table so baby is really part of the dinner table. His contributions to the conversation are adorable and eating is, after all, a social occasion.
Teething biscuits - while learning how to eat from a spoon, it is much more fun for baby to also be holding something delicious.
A self-feeder - this is like a revelation for George. Eating from the spoon SERIOUSLY annoys him. Being able to hold this and eat this way has made him much happier. I had to cut him off at half a banana this morning.
Bibs - these are the burp cloths I have already been using for George and I love them as bibs, too. I have 6 and am considering ordering more. They are that good.
PLAYING
An exersaucer - I actually don't have a specific recommendation here. I got mine from a generous friend (thank you BBK). But having a safe place to put the baby where he is upright is amazing. He's rolling all around and starting to rock on all fours - crawling is not far behind - so putting him in the exersaucer frees me up to do other things for a few minutes. And I'd like to add that those things are not always housework! It's important to take the time to make yourself lunch, or take a shower. This is the time where you can mitigate the feeling that you never have time to take care of yourself! (PS - I LOVED a door jumper with my first two, but my current house doesn't accommodate one. It is more active than the exersaucer and super fun! I'd have one if I could)
A playmat - again, I don't think it really matters which one. I got mine for $5 from craigslist. And actually, this is a little late - we started using it at about 5 weeks. But George still likes to roll around on it and play with his toys.
A great stroller - with my first it took me awhile to realize that if I was feeling cooped-up and bored, she probably was too. Save money on the short-term items, and items that are easily gotten from craigslist in great condition (snap n go, exersaucer, playmat, door jumper, baby bjorn) and get a really great stroller. Often these can come from craigslist as well, but really make sure it is in fantastic condition. This is one of the few items that I use everyday for three years. Comfortable handles, easy steering, quality wheels, a decent basket, lying flat for long naps, an excellent sun shade...these are all important aspects to a good stroller. The city mini is fantastic, and now it comes in great colors.
A baby DVD - moving lights and colors are mesmerizing. Sometimes George likes to play with toys (read: put a toy in his mouth and drool a lot), chill out, and look at leaves outside. Sometimes he does this while watching his mobile go around. And sometimes he does this while watching a video. 'Baby Einstein' won't make him smarter, nor will it make him dumber. It's just something to look at. And seriously, those baby movies are quite relaxing. Its a good time for me to catch a 5 minute snooze.
Some MUSIC to dance around to is also super important. Listen to your faves, or make a Stevie Wonder Pandora station (seriously, great music all day long). Just pick up that baby and dance and sing. Movement is important for babies brains to develop.
Books - it is definitely not too early to lie back and read, if you aren't already. Before bed, or anytime. I loved these baby signs books, and they helped lead us to very successful baby signing with all three of the older kids.
CARRYING
If you haven't fallen in love with a baby carrier yet, my favorites remain the baby bjorn, and the new native carrier. There is nothing worse then getting to an outing and realizing that I have no carrier with me (well, maybe no diapers or wipes would be worse). I can take great care of George while managing the other kids if I can securely attach him to me. So, the new native is so simple and slim, it lives in the diaper bag. The bjorn often gets left behind when I'm already loaded down as I walk out the door.
Since I had my first 10 years ago, this 'active' bjorn has come out (ha! It could be like 8 years old for all I know). Anyway, thanks to M&EC for this amazing item. The original baby bjorn should just retire. The active carrier is a million times more comfortable. I was lucky enough to get a hand me down, but if you aren't, I really think this upgrade is worth the cost differential.
I also have a mei tai style carrier. They don't make the one I have, but the one I linked is similar. The advantage to this is that I can put Georgie on my back and get to work. My husband uses this one a lot.
CONFIDENCE
This part of the post is really for at-home moms. I can't speak to the challenges of working full-time and taking care of a baby, because I've never done it. So, if you are a mom who works out of the house full-time, this section might not apply to you.
If you are a mom at home, this post-newborn period is when you settle in and realize that this is your new life. This is true even for me the 4th time around. I'm realizing that getting to the gym, for example, is suddenly super difficult. Years of weekly yoga classes have come to a complete stop, and I haven't gotten my haircut since July. There is nothing that seems more important than attending to the needs of this baby, and then the other kids. I'm happy to do it but it takes some adjusting.
So what I have to offer is this: feel confident. Whatever you do each day, if you have enjoyed and cared for your baby, you are doing a great job. Seriously, you will not be on your deathbed wishing the house had been neater, or you had cooked a more elaborate dinner. Nor will you remember that you had roots and a chipping pedicure for a year. When the baby goes down for a snooze, take 5 minutes each day to brush your hair, take a few deep breaths, feel the gratitude that comes with the incredible gift of a baby, and tell yourself, "I am doing a great job. I'm a really good mom." Corny? Maybe. But reading all the stupid 'mommy--wars' baloney lets me know that the anxiety about doing a good job is real. Imagine if you just let yourself believe that you are good at this. And, if you aren't great at it, you are working hard at learning. One more note, that deathbed thing? You might wish you had connected with your partner more. When you are at home full-time it is easy to feel like NO ONE else can care for your baby. But if you have a partner, let him or her take charge of the baby too. They have to develop their own special relationship. And, presumably you picked that person for a reason. Let that relationship flourish in its own imperfect way.
My sister says, "All my kids have are my instincts. If I don't follow them, they have nothing." So, when your gut tells you to pick up your crying baby, do it. When your gut tells you the baby could cry for a few minutes, then fall asleep, do it. Don't worry about being an 'attachment parent' or a 'cry-it-out' parent...or any other 'type' of parent. You are the primary caretaker of that baby, and your instincts are MADE for that baby. Use them and trust them.
PEOPLE
My husband thought I should add siblings to the list of great baby gear. He is right - siblings are great for babies. If you don't have siblings handy, get over to story hour at the library, make dates to hang with cousins, or meet up with a friend who has older children. Watching older kids talk and play is amazing for babies, and super fun to watch.
Also, if you are lucky enough to have grandparents nearby, let them have your baby for an hour or two. Like partners, grandparents need time to develop their connection with, and knowledge of, your baby. I see that as once of the parenting big-rocks - stewarding family relationships for your baby. I love my grandparents (we still have TWO great grandmothers in our lives!), and I want that love for my kids.
If you are still reading, I'm amazed! That was a long post with a good dose my theories mixed into a practical list. I hope it is helpful!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Camping with the kids - why bother?
Everything we do, as a family, is a ton of work. Four kids ages 10 thru 5 months do not make moving around simple. All parents know how a baby can make it tough to go at a moment's notice (coordinating baby's schedule, packing the diaper bag...did you remember the bjorn??), but the older kids require preparation as well. You can't just tell a group of people, "Lets go NOW" and not expect some resistance. People have their own ideas about the day, after all. Plus, a surprise outing may require an outfit change (Ms. 7-year-old, I'm looking at you!)
So, given this, you might question my commitment to take our kids camping. Even our beloved camping companions said to me on our recent trip, "I'm glad you guys are here but honestly I think you are a little nuts!" So whats the payoff?
Well for me the payoff has three main components. The first is my husband. He works in business, in an office, and has for years. But he started as a field-geologist, and before that was a naturalist at heart. He is most himself when he is walking in the woods, noticing. He pays attention to the trees, the rocks, the tracks on the path. He sees things I would never see. I am engrossed with the people, and the weather. But he can stop and tell me signs of how nature, and the world, work. I joke with him about it sometimes when he stops as I try to move the group ahead, saying something like, "Is it more strata??" But honestly, I love it. And I deeply love giving him opportunities to share this gift with our children. Love. I mean like validate-the-marriage-and-life-together kind of love. So that's worth packing a cooler for, isn't it?
The second component is what I call "The Group". In my mind, a big part of my job as a parent is to make sure my children have a sense of what it means to belong to a community. I don't mean volunteering at a soup kitchen (though that would be a great thing to do as well). I mean doing the work, pitching in, participating, making sure everyone has at least most of their needs met, and not taking the last marshmallow. It would delight me if someday I heard from their college friends that my kids make great roommates. Actually, I say that often about my husband, that he is a great roommate. People don't always think about that when picking a mate, but being a good roommate is really important in marriage. So, for me camping has this kind of lesson in abundance. If you wear your shoes into the tent, we are all going to be dirty. If you don't stake down your side of the tarp, we are all going to be wet. You get the idea. Its a parenting big rock for me, and camping gives me the perfect setting.
Actually, that is a perfect segue to the last big reason I love camping. It IS a great setting for my husband, and for my kids. And because of this, a lot seems to happen around me, without me constantly pushing, or orchestrating. So, I'm like a crazy person all week writing lists and doing laundry and packing clothing. But once we get there, my husband is like a camping guide, and the kids are participating and paying him rapt attention. And what am I doing? Enjoying the view.
So, given this, you might question my commitment to take our kids camping. Even our beloved camping companions said to me on our recent trip, "I'm glad you guys are here but honestly I think you are a little nuts!" So whats the payoff?
Well for me the payoff has three main components. The first is my husband. He works in business, in an office, and has for years. But he started as a field-geologist, and before that was a naturalist at heart. He is most himself when he is walking in the woods, noticing. He pays attention to the trees, the rocks, the tracks on the path. He sees things I would never see. I am engrossed with the people, and the weather. But he can stop and tell me signs of how nature, and the world, work. I joke with him about it sometimes when he stops as I try to move the group ahead, saying something like, "Is it more strata??" But honestly, I love it. And I deeply love giving him opportunities to share this gift with our children. Love. I mean like validate-the-marriage-and-life-together kind of love. So that's worth packing a cooler for, isn't it?
The second component is what I call "The Group". In my mind, a big part of my job as a parent is to make sure my children have a sense of what it means to belong to a community. I don't mean volunteering at a soup kitchen (though that would be a great thing to do as well). I mean doing the work, pitching in, participating, making sure everyone has at least most of their needs met, and not taking the last marshmallow. It would delight me if someday I heard from their college friends that my kids make great roommates. Actually, I say that often about my husband, that he is a great roommate. People don't always think about that when picking a mate, but being a good roommate is really important in marriage. So, for me camping has this kind of lesson in abundance. If you wear your shoes into the tent, we are all going to be dirty. If you don't stake down your side of the tarp, we are all going to be wet. You get the idea. Its a parenting big rock for me, and camping gives me the perfect setting.
Actually, that is a perfect segue to the last big reason I love camping. It IS a great setting for my husband, and for my kids. And because of this, a lot seems to happen around me, without me constantly pushing, or orchestrating. So, I'm like a crazy person all week writing lists and doing laundry and packing clothing. But once we get there, my husband is like a camping guide, and the kids are participating and paying him rapt attention. And what am I doing? Enjoying the view.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
I'm not here to make you happy
I was hanging out with my sister and her friend. The friend was dealing with her child who was, in that moment, not easy to please. When the friend returned to the adult conversation she said something about how hard it was to make kids happy. I laughed a little and said, "Oh boy, that's not my job! I'm not trying to make my kids happy!" The friend, I think, thought I was joking.
Who wouldn't want their kids to be happy? Well, I DO want them to be happy. I just don't think I'm the person responsible for making that happen. I think it is my job to teach them how to make themselves happy. So when they are fussing over some small thing, I don't see that as an opportunity for me to make them happy. I see that as a chance for them to learn how to make themselves happy. And if they need help with that challenge, I'm there to do that. But I'm not there to convince them that their unhappiness, or dissatisfaction, is somehow my responsibility. Because, in truth, we are each responsible for finding our own happiness. Growing up believing that IF ONLY someone ELSE would do just the right thing, you would be happy is, I believe, disabling. And, I feel that when I show them the way, and they do it themselves, they are building self confidence, and a sense that I believe in them. I'm not looking at them anxiously trying to make them happy, I'm looking at them saying, "I know you can do this."
I'm not saying I'm, like, watching my kids be miserable and just waiting for them to figure it out. I am doing everything I can to teach them paths towards happiness. Writing this blog made me make a list of the ways in which I think I do this:
1) We talk a lot about the world and about their place in it. We don't talk, as a family, about all the things we don't have, or can't afford. Instead we talk A LOT about all the things we DO have, for which we are very lucky. And we take time every night to sing a little song of grace and thanks.
2) When they are really stressed and talking quickly in a high pitched voice about things that they are super upset about, together we take some really deep breaths. Breathing can make things seem much more manageable.
3) When they are agitated at night I remind them that, "These are not problems a tired brain should try to solve."
4) When they begin picking fights with one another, we talk about two important things: a. tone can create outcomes and b. this is a lifelong relationship which, thankfully, one fight will not break
5) I encourage them to think about the energies in their bodies, and their contribution to those energies
6) We talk about everything in terms of choices. So I might say, "You can choose to spend the last 15 minutes before bed sulking and whining, or you can choose to spend it playing a game with your siblings." Either way, I'm going to play the game, not sit and listen to the pouting child. There are two reasons for that: a. I'm modeling how to make the better choice and b. the children who are making the better choice should not miss out on fun time with me because one person has her 'knickers in a bunch' (thanks S.H.W. for that phrase!)
7)We talk a lot about taking turns. So when everyone says, "I don't want to go to...(fill in anyplace!)" I might say, "Ok, I hear that you don't want to go but this outing is not about you. It is so-and-so's turn for an outing and she/he went when it was your turn to get shoes/get a haircut/drive you to your lesson/whatever, and now it is her/his turn to get what he/she needs. You don't have to WANT to go on this outing, but you do have to go."
8) We have been searching for (and *maybe* finally found) a spiritual community in which we will participate as a family.
OK, I'm reading this list and it really sounds like I think I have it all sorted out. That's funny, because that is certainly not how I feel. But I guess there are a few...well maybe eight...things I think I am doing right.
Who wouldn't want their kids to be happy? Well, I DO want them to be happy. I just don't think I'm the person responsible for making that happen. I think it is my job to teach them how to make themselves happy. So when they are fussing over some small thing, I don't see that as an opportunity for me to make them happy. I see that as a chance for them to learn how to make themselves happy. And if they need help with that challenge, I'm there to do that. But I'm not there to convince them that their unhappiness, or dissatisfaction, is somehow my responsibility. Because, in truth, we are each responsible for finding our own happiness. Growing up believing that IF ONLY someone ELSE would do just the right thing, you would be happy is, I believe, disabling. And, I feel that when I show them the way, and they do it themselves, they are building self confidence, and a sense that I believe in them. I'm not looking at them anxiously trying to make them happy, I'm looking at them saying, "I know you can do this."
I'm not saying I'm, like, watching my kids be miserable and just waiting for them to figure it out. I am doing everything I can to teach them paths towards happiness. Writing this blog made me make a list of the ways in which I think I do this:
1) We talk a lot about the world and about their place in it. We don't talk, as a family, about all the things we don't have, or can't afford. Instead we talk A LOT about all the things we DO have, for which we are very lucky. And we take time every night to sing a little song of grace and thanks.
2) When they are really stressed and talking quickly in a high pitched voice about things that they are super upset about, together we take some really deep breaths. Breathing can make things seem much more manageable.
3) When they are agitated at night I remind them that, "These are not problems a tired brain should try to solve."
4) When they begin picking fights with one another, we talk about two important things: a. tone can create outcomes and b. this is a lifelong relationship which, thankfully, one fight will not break
5) I encourage them to think about the energies in their bodies, and their contribution to those energies
6) We talk about everything in terms of choices. So I might say, "You can choose to spend the last 15 minutes before bed sulking and whining, or you can choose to spend it playing a game with your siblings." Either way, I'm going to play the game, not sit and listen to the pouting child. There are two reasons for that: a. I'm modeling how to make the better choice and b. the children who are making the better choice should not miss out on fun time with me because one person has her 'knickers in a bunch' (thanks S.H.W. for that phrase!)
7)We talk a lot about taking turns. So when everyone says, "I don't want to go to...(fill in anyplace!)" I might say, "Ok, I hear that you don't want to go but this outing is not about you. It is so-and-so's turn for an outing and she/he went when it was your turn to get shoes/get a haircut/drive you to your lesson/whatever, and now it is her/his turn to get what he/she needs. You don't have to WANT to go on this outing, but you do have to go."
8) We have been searching for (and *maybe* finally found) a spiritual community in which we will participate as a family.
OK, I'm reading this list and it really sounds like I think I have it all sorted out. That's funny, because that is certainly not how I feel. But I guess there are a few...well maybe eight...things I think I am doing right.
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