This has been a very dark time. This country is suffering from a tragedy. I have yet to read or hear anything that can 'make sense' of what happened to those women and children in Connecticut.
My eldest daughter was asking me this week about the story of Jesus, and about how it relates to the tree, gifts, and Santa. I told her the two were conflated long ago, and that the tree, and Santa both have their roots in winter solstice celebrations. The message, I told her, is that even in the darkest times, human beings can create joy, giving, and light.
Even in the darkest times, human beings can create joy, giving, and light. I believe this is true, and it is a truth about us that is miraculous. When the worst has happened, humans look for something to be grateful for, and for a reason to find joy. I've read statements from parents who lost their children last week in which they expressed gratitude for having known their beloved child.
This Christmas, my family will be talking and thinking about Jesus and his story. We will simultaneously be celebrating the miracle of humanity, and the gift of the human spirit.
Happy Holidays, all.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Practice - especially when it's hard
Talking about someone else’s tragedy feels absurd, and voyeuristic. I do want to acknowledge the horror of what
happened, and the unending effects that will be felt by the families and
communities affected. The women and
children who were killed are in my thoughts and prayers.
As I get ready to send my own children back out into the
world tomorrow morning, I continue my practice of turning worries into positive
prayers.
I pray my children
will go out into the world tomorrow and find the world to be a kind and
interesting place. I pray that they will
be safe and nurtured tomorrow at school. I
pray that they will be delivered home safely to me tomorrow evening, and that they
will have positive things to tell me about their day. With all my heart, I pray
for their safety.
I know how hard it can be. I implore each of you to contribute to the light, if you can. Let the energy that comes from you be one towards peace, and healing. Do not let the energy that flows from you to the universe be dark and frightened. Find the light inside, and let it shine. It can heal.
I pray that my readers find the light inside, connect with it, and send it back out into the world in the form of positive prayer. I pray that all of that light contributes to healing, wherever it is needed.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Practicing Positive Thinking
I recently heard someone say that worrying is like praying for what you don't want to happen. This makes a lot of sense to me. Whether it is because you know worrying can cause stress, or because you believe that positive energy is good for the universe, or because you believe in the power of prayer, you KNOW that worrying is bad for kids.
So here is what I teach mine. When you worry, allow the thought to happen. Say the worry to yourself. Then, turn the worry into a positive prayer. (You can use a different word if you don't like the word 'prayer'.)
So, as an example from my own life, I feel some generalized worry about my daughter's upcoming school outing. I let it rise until I can acknowledge the concrete worry/fear. I am worried that she will get lost from the group and be scared, or worse, kidnapped. Then, I turn that into a positive prayer. I pray that my daughter will have a good time on the outing, that she will be safe and secure with her friends and teachers, and she will come home happy. Then I visualize each of these positive things. Every time the worry arises, I meet it with my positive prayer and visualization.
I don't mean to reinvent the wheel here. This is very consistent with the Buddhist concept about negative emotions/thoughts in which you do not repress them. Rather, you embrace the negative and meet it with its positive counterpart. And, like a mother with a wailing child, you cradle it and let the stronger positive energy hold it lovingly. Like the arms of the gentle mother, the negative emotion/energy becomes calmed, transformed. This practice I am describing of transforming worry and anxiety into positive prayer is an example of that. It is a practice I am committed to, and is one I am teaching to my children.
So here is what I teach mine. When you worry, allow the thought to happen. Say the worry to yourself. Then, turn the worry into a positive prayer. (You can use a different word if you don't like the word 'prayer'.)
So, as an example from my own life, I feel some generalized worry about my daughter's upcoming school outing. I let it rise until I can acknowledge the concrete worry/fear. I am worried that she will get lost from the group and be scared, or worse, kidnapped. Then, I turn that into a positive prayer. I pray that my daughter will have a good time on the outing, that she will be safe and secure with her friends and teachers, and she will come home happy. Then I visualize each of these positive things. Every time the worry arises, I meet it with my positive prayer and visualization.
I don't mean to reinvent the wheel here. This is very consistent with the Buddhist concept about negative emotions/thoughts in which you do not repress them. Rather, you embrace the negative and meet it with its positive counterpart. And, like a mother with a wailing child, you cradle it and let the stronger positive energy hold it lovingly. Like the arms of the gentle mother, the negative emotion/energy becomes calmed, transformed. This practice I am describing of transforming worry and anxiety into positive prayer is an example of that. It is a practice I am committed to, and is one I am teaching to my children.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Liking Men - Part I
I’m not going to start at the beginning of this set of
ideas. Rather I am going to start right
here, today. I absolutely love men. I love so many things about men. And the man I know best is my husband. I see shadows of him in men I hear about,
read about and see. And I love those men
too. When I say ‘love’ I mean that I
feel a deep appreciation and gratitude for these people, and for what their
‘maleness’ brings into the world.
Every man is different, and there are innumerable ways to
exist as a man in this world. Gender is
a performance, and one does not even need to be biologically male to perform as
a male in society. Even with all the
variety, we all have a sense of what might be uniquely male. Who said that thing about pornography? I can’t define it but I know it when I see
it. I feel that way about maleness.
So why bother talking about this? Because I have a growing sense that positive things
that are uniquely male are not generally commented on, or appreciated. I was struck most recently by this during the
coverage of that horrible shooting in that movie theater in Aurora. Twelve people died that day. FOUR of them were men shielding a woman they
knew. Four men shielded a woman beside
them and died.
I asked my husband about his own instinct. He said OF COURSE he would try to protect me
in a violent situation. When I asked him
how he knows that, he asked me if I would protect our children at the risk of
my own life. Without a doubt, I know
that I would. He claims it is the same
instinct.
This takes my breath away.
In his heart, he believes he would jump in front of a bullet for
me. Without question. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it. Those men in that theater did that that
day. Just regular guys at a movie. Not soldiers, not police officers. Just dudes at a movie. There is something about maleness that is
heroic and selfless. Thank God for men.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Rise of the Guardians
We watched 'Rise of the Guardians' this weekend. I'm totally going to spoil the plot, so if you care about that, don't read this.
The movie was fun to watch and the kids enjoyed it. I particularly loved the Cossack Santa and all his bluster. Actually it is this powerful Santa who introduces the central theme of the movie and a turning point for the protagonist, Jack Frost. Using the Matryoshka dolls, he shows Jack that every person is layered, and nuanced. And that knowing what is in your own center, your little central doll, is the key to a happy life.
I loved this discussion! I completely agree! Being authentically oneself is the first step to living a life of integrity. And then basing our actions on that true self - that is what leads to Truth, and connection with the Spirit. Some may call it our 'calling', others may call it 'listening to the inner light...but however you understand it, I loved that Santa was talking about it in a kids movie. He shows Jack that the answers he seeks can be found by looking inside, and then being true to what he finds there. By knowing himself, he will find peace.
Of course, there is the antagonist to our Jack. The Boogie Man. He is threatening the Guardians and must be stopped...blah blah blah. This is where, for me, the movie really fell short. We see the Boogie Man, Pitch Black, and all he has suffered. He used to rule the world, when people were afraid all the time. And now he is sad, lonely, and shunned. He tries to get Jack to join him, but is rejected. And, in the final confrontation of the movie, he is dragged away by his evil horses of fear. (It was weird - they drag him into the center of the earth. Was he going to Hades??)
For me, this conclusion was really a lost opportunity. Santa makes such a wonderful case to Jack about the essence of each person. And, we get to see some of WHY The Boogie Man is so sad. So why can't the Guardians engage him, understand him, and lead him into the light?
I am always disappointed when movies for kids teach them things I will have to unteach. One of the big ones I ALWAYS have to work on is the idea of dualities within us. We can't push away parts of ourselves that we don't like, in an effort to become the opposite. We are never one thing OR another. We are always all things. It is our limited vision that makes this so hard to see. So when you find something in you that you don't like, you cannot push it away. The only way to make meaningful change is to do the opposite. Embrace it. Bring a larger, stronger force to bear on it in a loving way. Then you can walk forward without the conflict.
The Guardians in that stupid movie cast away their enemy, instead of transforming him. He's just going to spend the next thousand years plotting against them! The same is true within us. They should have seen him for what he was - dynamic, layered, and nuanced like everyone else. They should have acknowledged him, and loved him, and changed him.
I really really wish this movie had been brave enough to show that to the kids. Seriously. They were clearly capable of the concept. The Santa scene with the doll was great! Or maybe I'm so fixated on that scene because I thought Santa was kind of hot. But that is a discussion for another post entirely.
The movie was fun to watch and the kids enjoyed it. I particularly loved the Cossack Santa and all his bluster. Actually it is this powerful Santa who introduces the central theme of the movie and a turning point for the protagonist, Jack Frost. Using the Matryoshka dolls, he shows Jack that every person is layered, and nuanced. And that knowing what is in your own center, your little central doll, is the key to a happy life.
I loved this discussion! I completely agree! Being authentically oneself is the first step to living a life of integrity. And then basing our actions on that true self - that is what leads to Truth, and connection with the Spirit. Some may call it our 'calling', others may call it 'listening to the inner light...but however you understand it, I loved that Santa was talking about it in a kids movie. He shows Jack that the answers he seeks can be found by looking inside, and then being true to what he finds there. By knowing himself, he will find peace.
Of course, there is the antagonist to our Jack. The Boogie Man. He is threatening the Guardians and must be stopped...blah blah blah. This is where, for me, the movie really fell short. We see the Boogie Man, Pitch Black, and all he has suffered. He used to rule the world, when people were afraid all the time. And now he is sad, lonely, and shunned. He tries to get Jack to join him, but is rejected. And, in the final confrontation of the movie, he is dragged away by his evil horses of fear. (It was weird - they drag him into the center of the earth. Was he going to Hades??)
For me, this conclusion was really a lost opportunity. Santa makes such a wonderful case to Jack about the essence of each person. And, we get to see some of WHY The Boogie Man is so sad. So why can't the Guardians engage him, understand him, and lead him into the light?
I am always disappointed when movies for kids teach them things I will have to unteach. One of the big ones I ALWAYS have to work on is the idea of dualities within us. We can't push away parts of ourselves that we don't like, in an effort to become the opposite. We are never one thing OR another. We are always all things. It is our limited vision that makes this so hard to see. So when you find something in you that you don't like, you cannot push it away. The only way to make meaningful change is to do the opposite. Embrace it. Bring a larger, stronger force to bear on it in a loving way. Then you can walk forward without the conflict.
The Guardians in that stupid movie cast away their enemy, instead of transforming him. He's just going to spend the next thousand years plotting against them! The same is true within us. They should have seen him for what he was - dynamic, layered, and nuanced like everyone else. They should have acknowledged him, and loved him, and changed him.
I really really wish this movie had been brave enough to show that to the kids. Seriously. They were clearly capable of the concept. The Santa scene with the doll was great! Or maybe I'm so fixated on that scene because I thought Santa was kind of hot. But that is a discussion for another post entirely.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Sometimes it falls apart
I love this line from Erin McKeowen: "All that I supposed I held has come to be untied." What a great image.
Luckily, nothing has happened in my adult life that is truly destructive. However, there are those times when it all seems to be going off the rails.
Today is a great example. My husband is away. His car broke down on his trip. I go out to take my oldest to her before school activity and my car is dead. It does not respond to being jumped. So I rent a car in order, most importantly, to get the baby to his 11 am doctors appointment. I get there and it's, "Sorry Mrs. C, you're appointment was at 9 and we can't see you today." What a mess. And the underlying issues that bubble-up: can we afford to fix both cars? can we afford to replace them? if my car breaks down, NO ONE can help me move my FOUR kids around...what will I do??
Believe me, it was one of those mornings that could make you cry.
So as I'm driving back from the appointment, wondering how the heck I messed up the appointment time AGAIN (I've missed TWO other Doctor's appointments in the past 6 months), I review the morning in my head. What is the MESSAGE!!??
Then I realize it. My sister slept over to give me a hand while my husband was away. She drove me to get the rental car. And, as I was worrying about having to wake the baby from his morning nap, a dear old friend texted, "I'm in your neighborhood, wanna visit?" And she stayed with the monitor so the baby could finish his nap. My sweet husband, from his business trip, had the mechanic pick up my broken car. And the guy at the rental agency was super friendly! Actually, so was the receptionist at the doctors office.
So this is my take-away from this crappy morning (that started at 5:45 am with the baby crying) - the universe reminded me today that I am lucky and supported by beloved people. What a blessing. Really, everything was a minor inconvenience in comparison to the gift of people who are so kind and loving.
And here I am in my warm cozy house, bouncing my baby on my knee, and I feel really really grateful. Thank you sister, friend and husband, for reminding me how incredibly lucky I am.
Luckily, nothing has happened in my adult life that is truly destructive. However, there are those times when it all seems to be going off the rails.
Today is a great example. My husband is away. His car broke down on his trip. I go out to take my oldest to her before school activity and my car is dead. It does not respond to being jumped. So I rent a car in order, most importantly, to get the baby to his 11 am doctors appointment. I get there and it's, "Sorry Mrs. C, you're appointment was at 9 and we can't see you today." What a mess. And the underlying issues that bubble-up: can we afford to fix both cars? can we afford to replace them? if my car breaks down, NO ONE can help me move my FOUR kids around...what will I do??
Believe me, it was one of those mornings that could make you cry.
So as I'm driving back from the appointment, wondering how the heck I messed up the appointment time AGAIN (I've missed TWO other Doctor's appointments in the past 6 months), I review the morning in my head. What is the MESSAGE!!??
Then I realize it. My sister slept over to give me a hand while my husband was away. She drove me to get the rental car. And, as I was worrying about having to wake the baby from his morning nap, a dear old friend texted, "I'm in your neighborhood, wanna visit?" And she stayed with the monitor so the baby could finish his nap. My sweet husband, from his business trip, had the mechanic pick up my broken car. And the guy at the rental agency was super friendly! Actually, so was the receptionist at the doctors office.
So this is my take-away from this crappy morning (that started at 5:45 am with the baby crying) - the universe reminded me today that I am lucky and supported by beloved people. What a blessing. Really, everything was a minor inconvenience in comparison to the gift of people who are so kind and loving.
And here I am in my warm cozy house, bouncing my baby on my knee, and I feel really really grateful. Thank you sister, friend and husband, for reminding me how incredibly lucky I am.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
This post made me cry - Body Image
This has been shared by a few friends on Facebook:
http://offbeatmama.com/2012/11/telling-daughters-im-beautiful
I appreciate this mom's conscious effort to speak kindly about herself in service of her daughters. But when I got to the end of the post I felt so very very sad. Why does this woman say, as she tells her children that she is beautiful:
"It's working, a little bit. I've even stopped hating myself, a little bit.
I'll be what they see. They see me through eyes of love. I'd do anything for them, even this."
Where in the doctrine of womanhood is it written that we must all begin to hate ourselves at some point, and then spend our adulthood asking our husbands, "Do I look fat in this?" I reject that narrative completely, and I will not grimace as I lie to my children about how I feel about myself.
I cried when I read that post. After all her brave words, the author told the truth. She hates herself. I'm pained just thinking about it.
This is not a post criticizing one woman for being honest. I think she is brave to tell the truth. And I understand her feeling. I struggled for years with food/body image issues. I remember the day when I decided that my life would no longer be defined that way. I thought to myself, "This struggle is a very very heavy bag to carry. It is using up all my energy just to bring in with me into each day. I can put it down, and use that energy to become someone else, someone I would admire." And I put it down.
That was an act of feminist rebellion. Every time we reject self-loathing, we reject cultural messages that tell us our value is limited to the closeness with which we physically resemble an idealized female form.
Be who you want to be, today. Be a woman you would admire. Do not nitpick yourself, do not dissect your worth as you dissect your body parts, and judge them.
I know this is a challenge. Believe me! I am *once again* working to restore my fitness after a pregnancy. I am *once again* realizing that my own preferred exercise schedule will take a second-chair to my mothering job. And, I am *once again* reminding myself to be gentle and kind in my language towards myself. This is the work it takes to make a human being. And no, I'm not going to sacrifice one moment of happiness in order to 'be skinny' as I recover and readjust from this major life change/achievement/commitment. When I have moments where I doubt if I will ever get back to the level of exercise that makes me happy, I just think back to the moments of birth and I thank myself for doing that amazing thing.
I think it was Peggy O'Mara from Mothering who recently posted something on facebook that said (I paraphrase): remember that the way you talk to your children will become their inner voice. I add my own musings to her thought: imagine the way you talk to YOURSELF would become their inner voice. Or would become the way their future spouse would talk to them.
Work as hard on your relationship with you as you do on any other relationship. Don't spend your whole life with someone who hates you.
http://offbeatmama.com/2012/11/telling-daughters-im-beautiful
I appreciate this mom's conscious effort to speak kindly about herself in service of her daughters. But when I got to the end of the post I felt so very very sad. Why does this woman say, as she tells her children that she is beautiful:
"It's working, a little bit. I've even stopped hating myself, a little bit.
I'll be what they see. They see me through eyes of love. I'd do anything for them, even this."
Where in the doctrine of womanhood is it written that we must all begin to hate ourselves at some point, and then spend our adulthood asking our husbands, "Do I look fat in this?" I reject that narrative completely, and I will not grimace as I lie to my children about how I feel about myself.
I cried when I read that post. After all her brave words, the author told the truth. She hates herself. I'm pained just thinking about it.
This is not a post criticizing one woman for being honest. I think she is brave to tell the truth. And I understand her feeling. I struggled for years with food/body image issues. I remember the day when I decided that my life would no longer be defined that way. I thought to myself, "This struggle is a very very heavy bag to carry. It is using up all my energy just to bring in with me into each day. I can put it down, and use that energy to become someone else, someone I would admire." And I put it down.
That was an act of feminist rebellion. Every time we reject self-loathing, we reject cultural messages that tell us our value is limited to the closeness with which we physically resemble an idealized female form.
Be who you want to be, today. Be a woman you would admire. Do not nitpick yourself, do not dissect your worth as you dissect your body parts, and judge them.
I know this is a challenge. Believe me! I am *once again* working to restore my fitness after a pregnancy. I am *once again* realizing that my own preferred exercise schedule will take a second-chair to my mothering job. And, I am *once again* reminding myself to be gentle and kind in my language towards myself. This is the work it takes to make a human being. And no, I'm not going to sacrifice one moment of happiness in order to 'be skinny' as I recover and readjust from this major life change/achievement/commitment. When I have moments where I doubt if I will ever get back to the level of exercise that makes me happy, I just think back to the moments of birth and I thank myself for doing that amazing thing.
I think it was Peggy O'Mara from Mothering who recently posted something on facebook that said (I paraphrase): remember that the way you talk to your children will become their inner voice. I add my own musings to her thought: imagine the way you talk to YOURSELF would become their inner voice. Or would become the way their future spouse would talk to them.
Work as hard on your relationship with you as you do on any other relationship. Don't spend your whole life with someone who hates you.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Baby Gear Update - and a little soapbox too
So little Georgie is now almost 6 months old (!) and his needs have changed a lot. I am amazed EVERYDAY at how much less intensive it is to manage the fourth baby than it was the first. For me, the learning curve was so steep - it made the experience very intense. Luckily, this little guy has a sunny disposition and especially loves watching his siblings, so this has truly been a pleasure. My mother told me I'm not allowed to say this, but honestly I recommend having a fourth baby! (Please, no one have a baby purely on my recommendation, ok??)
Ok so, gear...here are the items that I would recommend once the newborn days are behind you:
EATING
My favorite high chair - it attaches to the table so baby is really part of the dinner table. His contributions to the conversation are adorable and eating is, after all, a social occasion.
Teething biscuits - while learning how to eat from a spoon, it is much more fun for baby to also be holding something delicious.
A self-feeder - this is like a revelation for George. Eating from the spoon SERIOUSLY annoys him. Being able to hold this and eat this way has made him much happier. I had to cut him off at half a banana this morning.
Bibs - these are the burp cloths I have already been using for George and I love them as bibs, too. I have 6 and am considering ordering more. They are that good.
PLAYING
An exersaucer - I actually don't have a specific recommendation here. I got mine from a generous friend (thank you BBK). But having a safe place to put the baby where he is upright is amazing. He's rolling all around and starting to rock on all fours - crawling is not far behind - so putting him in the exersaucer frees me up to do other things for a few minutes. And I'd like to add that those things are not always housework! It's important to take the time to make yourself lunch, or take a shower. This is the time where you can mitigate the feeling that you never have time to take care of yourself! (PS - I LOVED a door jumper with my first two, but my current house doesn't accommodate one. It is more active than the exersaucer and super fun! I'd have one if I could)
A playmat - again, I don't think it really matters which one. I got mine for $5 from craigslist. And actually, this is a little late - we started using it at about 5 weeks. But George still likes to roll around on it and play with his toys.
A great stroller - with my first it took me awhile to realize that if I was feeling cooped-up and bored, she probably was too. Save money on the short-term items, and items that are easily gotten from craigslist in great condition (snap n go, exersaucer, playmat, door jumper, baby bjorn) and get a really great stroller. Often these can come from craigslist as well, but really make sure it is in fantastic condition. This is one of the few items that I use everyday for three years. Comfortable handles, easy steering, quality wheels, a decent basket, lying flat for long naps, an excellent sun shade...these are all important aspects to a good stroller. The city mini is fantastic, and now it comes in great colors.
A baby DVD - moving lights and colors are mesmerizing. Sometimes George likes to play with toys (read: put a toy in his mouth and drool a lot), chill out, and look at leaves outside. Sometimes he does this while watching his mobile go around. And sometimes he does this while watching a video. 'Baby Einstein' won't make him smarter, nor will it make him dumber. It's just something to look at. And seriously, those baby movies are quite relaxing. Its a good time for me to catch a 5 minute snooze.
Some MUSIC to dance around to is also super important. Listen to your faves, or make a Stevie Wonder Pandora station (seriously, great music all day long). Just pick up that baby and dance and sing. Movement is important for babies brains to develop.
Books - it is definitely not too early to lie back and read, if you aren't already. Before bed, or anytime. I loved these baby signs books, and they helped lead us to very successful baby signing with all three of the older kids.
CARRYING
If you haven't fallen in love with a baby carrier yet, my favorites remain the baby bjorn, and the new native carrier. There is nothing worse then getting to an outing and realizing that I have no carrier with me (well, maybe no diapers or wipes would be worse). I can take great care of George while managing the other kids if I can securely attach him to me. So, the new native is so simple and slim, it lives in the diaper bag. The bjorn often gets left behind when I'm already loaded down as I walk out the door.
Since I had my first 10 years ago, this 'active' bjorn has come out (ha! It could be like 8 years old for all I know). Anyway, thanks to M&EC for this amazing item. The original baby bjorn should just retire. The active carrier is a million times more comfortable. I was lucky enough to get a hand me down, but if you aren't, I really think this upgrade is worth the cost differential.
I also have a mei tai style carrier. They don't make the one I have, but the one I linked is similar. The advantage to this is that I can put Georgie on my back and get to work. My husband uses this one a lot.
CONFIDENCE
This part of the post is really for at-home moms. I can't speak to the challenges of working full-time and taking care of a baby, because I've never done it. So, if you are a mom who works out of the house full-time, this section might not apply to you.
If you are a mom at home, this post-newborn period is when you settle in and realize that this is your new life. This is true even for me the 4th time around. I'm realizing that getting to the gym, for example, is suddenly super difficult. Years of weekly yoga classes have come to a complete stop, and I haven't gotten my haircut since July. There is nothing that seems more important than attending to the needs of this baby, and then the other kids. I'm happy to do it but it takes some adjusting.
So what I have to offer is this: feel confident. Whatever you do each day, if you have enjoyed and cared for your baby, you are doing a great job. Seriously, you will not be on your deathbed wishing the house had been neater, or you had cooked a more elaborate dinner. Nor will you remember that you had roots and a chipping pedicure for a year. When the baby goes down for a snooze, take 5 minutes each day to brush your hair, take a few deep breaths, feel the gratitude that comes with the incredible gift of a baby, and tell yourself, "I am doing a great job. I'm a really good mom." Corny? Maybe. But reading all the stupid 'mommy--wars' baloney lets me know that the anxiety about doing a good job is real. Imagine if you just let yourself believe that you are good at this. And, if you aren't great at it, you are working hard at learning. One more note, that deathbed thing? You might wish you had connected with your partner more. When you are at home full-time it is easy to feel like NO ONE else can care for your baby. But if you have a partner, let him or her take charge of the baby too. They have to develop their own special relationship. And, presumably you picked that person for a reason. Let that relationship flourish in its own imperfect way.
My sister says, "All my kids have are my instincts. If I don't follow them, they have nothing." So, when your gut tells you to pick up your crying baby, do it. When your gut tells you the baby could cry for a few minutes, then fall asleep, do it. Don't worry about being an 'attachment parent' or a 'cry-it-out' parent...or any other 'type' of parent. You are the primary caretaker of that baby, and your instincts are MADE for that baby. Use them and trust them.
PEOPLE
My husband thought I should add siblings to the list of great baby gear. He is right - siblings are great for babies. If you don't have siblings handy, get over to story hour at the library, make dates to hang with cousins, or meet up with a friend who has older children. Watching older kids talk and play is amazing for babies, and super fun to watch.
Also, if you are lucky enough to have grandparents nearby, let them have your baby for an hour or two. Like partners, grandparents need time to develop their connection with, and knowledge of, your baby. I see that as once of the parenting big-rocks - stewarding family relationships for your baby. I love my grandparents (we still have TWO great grandmothers in our lives!), and I want that love for my kids.
If you are still reading, I'm amazed! That was a long post with a good dose my theories mixed into a practical list. I hope it is helpful!
Ok so, gear...here are the items that I would recommend once the newborn days are behind you:
EATING
My favorite high chair - it attaches to the table so baby is really part of the dinner table. His contributions to the conversation are adorable and eating is, after all, a social occasion.
Teething biscuits - while learning how to eat from a spoon, it is much more fun for baby to also be holding something delicious.
A self-feeder - this is like a revelation for George. Eating from the spoon SERIOUSLY annoys him. Being able to hold this and eat this way has made him much happier. I had to cut him off at half a banana this morning.
Bibs - these are the burp cloths I have already been using for George and I love them as bibs, too. I have 6 and am considering ordering more. They are that good.
PLAYING
An exersaucer - I actually don't have a specific recommendation here. I got mine from a generous friend (thank you BBK). But having a safe place to put the baby where he is upright is amazing. He's rolling all around and starting to rock on all fours - crawling is not far behind - so putting him in the exersaucer frees me up to do other things for a few minutes. And I'd like to add that those things are not always housework! It's important to take the time to make yourself lunch, or take a shower. This is the time where you can mitigate the feeling that you never have time to take care of yourself! (PS - I LOVED a door jumper with my first two, but my current house doesn't accommodate one. It is more active than the exersaucer and super fun! I'd have one if I could)
A playmat - again, I don't think it really matters which one. I got mine for $5 from craigslist. And actually, this is a little late - we started using it at about 5 weeks. But George still likes to roll around on it and play with his toys.
A great stroller - with my first it took me awhile to realize that if I was feeling cooped-up and bored, she probably was too. Save money on the short-term items, and items that are easily gotten from craigslist in great condition (snap n go, exersaucer, playmat, door jumper, baby bjorn) and get a really great stroller. Often these can come from craigslist as well, but really make sure it is in fantastic condition. This is one of the few items that I use everyday for three years. Comfortable handles, easy steering, quality wheels, a decent basket, lying flat for long naps, an excellent sun shade...these are all important aspects to a good stroller. The city mini is fantastic, and now it comes in great colors.
A baby DVD - moving lights and colors are mesmerizing. Sometimes George likes to play with toys (read: put a toy in his mouth and drool a lot), chill out, and look at leaves outside. Sometimes he does this while watching his mobile go around. And sometimes he does this while watching a video. 'Baby Einstein' won't make him smarter, nor will it make him dumber. It's just something to look at. And seriously, those baby movies are quite relaxing. Its a good time for me to catch a 5 minute snooze.
Some MUSIC to dance around to is also super important. Listen to your faves, or make a Stevie Wonder Pandora station (seriously, great music all day long). Just pick up that baby and dance and sing. Movement is important for babies brains to develop.
Books - it is definitely not too early to lie back and read, if you aren't already. Before bed, or anytime. I loved these baby signs books, and they helped lead us to very successful baby signing with all three of the older kids.
CARRYING
If you haven't fallen in love with a baby carrier yet, my favorites remain the baby bjorn, and the new native carrier. There is nothing worse then getting to an outing and realizing that I have no carrier with me (well, maybe no diapers or wipes would be worse). I can take great care of George while managing the other kids if I can securely attach him to me. So, the new native is so simple and slim, it lives in the diaper bag. The bjorn often gets left behind when I'm already loaded down as I walk out the door.
Since I had my first 10 years ago, this 'active' bjorn has come out (ha! It could be like 8 years old for all I know). Anyway, thanks to M&EC for this amazing item. The original baby bjorn should just retire. The active carrier is a million times more comfortable. I was lucky enough to get a hand me down, but if you aren't, I really think this upgrade is worth the cost differential.
I also have a mei tai style carrier. They don't make the one I have, but the one I linked is similar. The advantage to this is that I can put Georgie on my back and get to work. My husband uses this one a lot.
CONFIDENCE
This part of the post is really for at-home moms. I can't speak to the challenges of working full-time and taking care of a baby, because I've never done it. So, if you are a mom who works out of the house full-time, this section might not apply to you.
If you are a mom at home, this post-newborn period is when you settle in and realize that this is your new life. This is true even for me the 4th time around. I'm realizing that getting to the gym, for example, is suddenly super difficult. Years of weekly yoga classes have come to a complete stop, and I haven't gotten my haircut since July. There is nothing that seems more important than attending to the needs of this baby, and then the other kids. I'm happy to do it but it takes some adjusting.
So what I have to offer is this: feel confident. Whatever you do each day, if you have enjoyed and cared for your baby, you are doing a great job. Seriously, you will not be on your deathbed wishing the house had been neater, or you had cooked a more elaborate dinner. Nor will you remember that you had roots and a chipping pedicure for a year. When the baby goes down for a snooze, take 5 minutes each day to brush your hair, take a few deep breaths, feel the gratitude that comes with the incredible gift of a baby, and tell yourself, "I am doing a great job. I'm a really good mom." Corny? Maybe. But reading all the stupid 'mommy--wars' baloney lets me know that the anxiety about doing a good job is real. Imagine if you just let yourself believe that you are good at this. And, if you aren't great at it, you are working hard at learning. One more note, that deathbed thing? You might wish you had connected with your partner more. When you are at home full-time it is easy to feel like NO ONE else can care for your baby. But if you have a partner, let him or her take charge of the baby too. They have to develop their own special relationship. And, presumably you picked that person for a reason. Let that relationship flourish in its own imperfect way.
My sister says, "All my kids have are my instincts. If I don't follow them, they have nothing." So, when your gut tells you to pick up your crying baby, do it. When your gut tells you the baby could cry for a few minutes, then fall asleep, do it. Don't worry about being an 'attachment parent' or a 'cry-it-out' parent...or any other 'type' of parent. You are the primary caretaker of that baby, and your instincts are MADE for that baby. Use them and trust them.
PEOPLE
My husband thought I should add siblings to the list of great baby gear. He is right - siblings are great for babies. If you don't have siblings handy, get over to story hour at the library, make dates to hang with cousins, or meet up with a friend who has older children. Watching older kids talk and play is amazing for babies, and super fun to watch.
Also, if you are lucky enough to have grandparents nearby, let them have your baby for an hour or two. Like partners, grandparents need time to develop their connection with, and knowledge of, your baby. I see that as once of the parenting big-rocks - stewarding family relationships for your baby. I love my grandparents (we still have TWO great grandmothers in our lives!), and I want that love for my kids.
If you are still reading, I'm amazed! That was a long post with a good dose my theories mixed into a practical list. I hope it is helpful!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Camping with the kids - why bother?
Everything we do, as a family, is a ton of work. Four kids ages 10 thru 5 months do not make moving around simple. All parents know how a baby can make it tough to go at a moment's notice (coordinating baby's schedule, packing the diaper bag...did you remember the bjorn??), but the older kids require preparation as well. You can't just tell a group of people, "Lets go NOW" and not expect some resistance. People have their own ideas about the day, after all. Plus, a surprise outing may require an outfit change (Ms. 7-year-old, I'm looking at you!)
So, given this, you might question my commitment to take our kids camping. Even our beloved camping companions said to me on our recent trip, "I'm glad you guys are here but honestly I think you are a little nuts!" So whats the payoff?
Well for me the payoff has three main components. The first is my husband. He works in business, in an office, and has for years. But he started as a field-geologist, and before that was a naturalist at heart. He is most himself when he is walking in the woods, noticing. He pays attention to the trees, the rocks, the tracks on the path. He sees things I would never see. I am engrossed with the people, and the weather. But he can stop and tell me signs of how nature, and the world, work. I joke with him about it sometimes when he stops as I try to move the group ahead, saying something like, "Is it more strata??" But honestly, I love it. And I deeply love giving him opportunities to share this gift with our children. Love. I mean like validate-the-marriage-and-life-together kind of love. So that's worth packing a cooler for, isn't it?
The second component is what I call "The Group". In my mind, a big part of my job as a parent is to make sure my children have a sense of what it means to belong to a community. I don't mean volunteering at a soup kitchen (though that would be a great thing to do as well). I mean doing the work, pitching in, participating, making sure everyone has at least most of their needs met, and not taking the last marshmallow. It would delight me if someday I heard from their college friends that my kids make great roommates. Actually, I say that often about my husband, that he is a great roommate. People don't always think about that when picking a mate, but being a good roommate is really important in marriage. So, for me camping has this kind of lesson in abundance. If you wear your shoes into the tent, we are all going to be dirty. If you don't stake down your side of the tarp, we are all going to be wet. You get the idea. Its a parenting big rock for me, and camping gives me the perfect setting.
Actually, that is a perfect segue to the last big reason I love camping. It IS a great setting for my husband, and for my kids. And because of this, a lot seems to happen around me, without me constantly pushing, or orchestrating. So, I'm like a crazy person all week writing lists and doing laundry and packing clothing. But once we get there, my husband is like a camping guide, and the kids are participating and paying him rapt attention. And what am I doing? Enjoying the view.
So, given this, you might question my commitment to take our kids camping. Even our beloved camping companions said to me on our recent trip, "I'm glad you guys are here but honestly I think you are a little nuts!" So whats the payoff?
Well for me the payoff has three main components. The first is my husband. He works in business, in an office, and has for years. But he started as a field-geologist, and before that was a naturalist at heart. He is most himself when he is walking in the woods, noticing. He pays attention to the trees, the rocks, the tracks on the path. He sees things I would never see. I am engrossed with the people, and the weather. But he can stop and tell me signs of how nature, and the world, work. I joke with him about it sometimes when he stops as I try to move the group ahead, saying something like, "Is it more strata??" But honestly, I love it. And I deeply love giving him opportunities to share this gift with our children. Love. I mean like validate-the-marriage-and-life-together kind of love. So that's worth packing a cooler for, isn't it?
The second component is what I call "The Group". In my mind, a big part of my job as a parent is to make sure my children have a sense of what it means to belong to a community. I don't mean volunteering at a soup kitchen (though that would be a great thing to do as well). I mean doing the work, pitching in, participating, making sure everyone has at least most of their needs met, and not taking the last marshmallow. It would delight me if someday I heard from their college friends that my kids make great roommates. Actually, I say that often about my husband, that he is a great roommate. People don't always think about that when picking a mate, but being a good roommate is really important in marriage. So, for me camping has this kind of lesson in abundance. If you wear your shoes into the tent, we are all going to be dirty. If you don't stake down your side of the tarp, we are all going to be wet. You get the idea. Its a parenting big rock for me, and camping gives me the perfect setting.
Actually, that is a perfect segue to the last big reason I love camping. It IS a great setting for my husband, and for my kids. And because of this, a lot seems to happen around me, without me constantly pushing, or orchestrating. So, I'm like a crazy person all week writing lists and doing laundry and packing clothing. But once we get there, my husband is like a camping guide, and the kids are participating and paying him rapt attention. And what am I doing? Enjoying the view.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
I'm not here to make you happy
I was hanging out with my sister and her friend. The friend was dealing with her child who was, in that moment, not easy to please. When the friend returned to the adult conversation she said something about how hard it was to make kids happy. I laughed a little and said, "Oh boy, that's not my job! I'm not trying to make my kids happy!" The friend, I think, thought I was joking.
Who wouldn't want their kids to be happy? Well, I DO want them to be happy. I just don't think I'm the person responsible for making that happen. I think it is my job to teach them how to make themselves happy. So when they are fussing over some small thing, I don't see that as an opportunity for me to make them happy. I see that as a chance for them to learn how to make themselves happy. And if they need help with that challenge, I'm there to do that. But I'm not there to convince them that their unhappiness, or dissatisfaction, is somehow my responsibility. Because, in truth, we are each responsible for finding our own happiness. Growing up believing that IF ONLY someone ELSE would do just the right thing, you would be happy is, I believe, disabling. And, I feel that when I show them the way, and they do it themselves, they are building self confidence, and a sense that I believe in them. I'm not looking at them anxiously trying to make them happy, I'm looking at them saying, "I know you can do this."
I'm not saying I'm, like, watching my kids be miserable and just waiting for them to figure it out. I am doing everything I can to teach them paths towards happiness. Writing this blog made me make a list of the ways in which I think I do this:
1) We talk a lot about the world and about their place in it. We don't talk, as a family, about all the things we don't have, or can't afford. Instead we talk A LOT about all the things we DO have, for which we are very lucky. And we take time every night to sing a little song of grace and thanks.
2) When they are really stressed and talking quickly in a high pitched voice about things that they are super upset about, together we take some really deep breaths. Breathing can make things seem much more manageable.
3) When they are agitated at night I remind them that, "These are not problems a tired brain should try to solve."
4) When they begin picking fights with one another, we talk about two important things: a. tone can create outcomes and b. this is a lifelong relationship which, thankfully, one fight will not break
5) I encourage them to think about the energies in their bodies, and their contribution to those energies
6) We talk about everything in terms of choices. So I might say, "You can choose to spend the last 15 minutes before bed sulking and whining, or you can choose to spend it playing a game with your siblings." Either way, I'm going to play the game, not sit and listen to the pouting child. There are two reasons for that: a. I'm modeling how to make the better choice and b. the children who are making the better choice should not miss out on fun time with me because one person has her 'knickers in a bunch' (thanks S.H.W. for that phrase!)
7)We talk a lot about taking turns. So when everyone says, "I don't want to go to...(fill in anyplace!)" I might say, "Ok, I hear that you don't want to go but this outing is not about you. It is so-and-so's turn for an outing and she/he went when it was your turn to get shoes/get a haircut/drive you to your lesson/whatever, and now it is her/his turn to get what he/she needs. You don't have to WANT to go on this outing, but you do have to go."
8) We have been searching for (and *maybe* finally found) a spiritual community in which we will participate as a family.
OK, I'm reading this list and it really sounds like I think I have it all sorted out. That's funny, because that is certainly not how I feel. But I guess there are a few...well maybe eight...things I think I am doing right.
Who wouldn't want their kids to be happy? Well, I DO want them to be happy. I just don't think I'm the person responsible for making that happen. I think it is my job to teach them how to make themselves happy. So when they are fussing over some small thing, I don't see that as an opportunity for me to make them happy. I see that as a chance for them to learn how to make themselves happy. And if they need help with that challenge, I'm there to do that. But I'm not there to convince them that their unhappiness, or dissatisfaction, is somehow my responsibility. Because, in truth, we are each responsible for finding our own happiness. Growing up believing that IF ONLY someone ELSE would do just the right thing, you would be happy is, I believe, disabling. And, I feel that when I show them the way, and they do it themselves, they are building self confidence, and a sense that I believe in them. I'm not looking at them anxiously trying to make them happy, I'm looking at them saying, "I know you can do this."
I'm not saying I'm, like, watching my kids be miserable and just waiting for them to figure it out. I am doing everything I can to teach them paths towards happiness. Writing this blog made me make a list of the ways in which I think I do this:
1) We talk a lot about the world and about their place in it. We don't talk, as a family, about all the things we don't have, or can't afford. Instead we talk A LOT about all the things we DO have, for which we are very lucky. And we take time every night to sing a little song of grace and thanks.
2) When they are really stressed and talking quickly in a high pitched voice about things that they are super upset about, together we take some really deep breaths. Breathing can make things seem much more manageable.
3) When they are agitated at night I remind them that, "These are not problems a tired brain should try to solve."
4) When they begin picking fights with one another, we talk about two important things: a. tone can create outcomes and b. this is a lifelong relationship which, thankfully, one fight will not break
5) I encourage them to think about the energies in their bodies, and their contribution to those energies
6) We talk about everything in terms of choices. So I might say, "You can choose to spend the last 15 minutes before bed sulking and whining, or you can choose to spend it playing a game with your siblings." Either way, I'm going to play the game, not sit and listen to the pouting child. There are two reasons for that: a. I'm modeling how to make the better choice and b. the children who are making the better choice should not miss out on fun time with me because one person has her 'knickers in a bunch' (thanks S.H.W. for that phrase!)
7)We talk a lot about taking turns. So when everyone says, "I don't want to go to...(fill in anyplace!)" I might say, "Ok, I hear that you don't want to go but this outing is not about you. It is so-and-so's turn for an outing and she/he went when it was your turn to get shoes/get a haircut/drive you to your lesson/whatever, and now it is her/his turn to get what he/she needs. You don't have to WANT to go on this outing, but you do have to go."
8) We have been searching for (and *maybe* finally found) a spiritual community in which we will participate as a family.
OK, I'm reading this list and it really sounds like I think I have it all sorted out. That's funny, because that is certainly not how I feel. But I guess there are a few...well maybe eight...things I think I am doing right.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Living In Reality
Here is something to listen to, if you'd like, while you read this. Stretch Out and Wait
This idea of living in reality, or in the present moment, is something I grapple with constantly. I was talking with a friend recently about times in a relationship when you aren't receiving the moment because you are carrying feelings from another time into now.
For example, my husband comes home late and distracted and I am mad and feel disrespected and harried...when we finally get the kids to bed and the dinner cleaned up it is late and we've barely spoken and I am still irritated. He tries to kiss me goodnight and instead of turning towards him and saying, "Thank you for being here and being my partner, and being present for our family, and working hard," I sort of shrug him off and go to sleep. That is an example of not receiving the moment - the beauty of the moment - because I am carrying something else into the present. Later, when I am old and he is dead, or when I am dying and he is at my bedside, I will regret wasting those moments. I will never look back and say, "He should have called me all those times to tell me he was going to be late." Instead, I will think, "Why did I let little things keep me from being joyful and loving."
And, in that example, reality as I would define it is that we are getting ready for bed in a peaceful house having both worked hard and he is kissing me. I overlay something when I insist that we are slightly annoyed at one another, or that I am owed some kind of acknowledgement or apology.
I think Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book The Miracle of Mindfulness, says it much better:
"If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not 'washing the dishes to wash the dishes.' What's more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can't wash the dishes, the chances are we won't be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future - and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life."
I don't really have a neat way to bring this thought to conclusion - it really is something I practice constantly. I guess I'll just say that I will let you know how it goes!
Oh and I can't resist adding some of my favorite relevant reading:
The Miracle of Mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hanh
Buddhism for Mother of Young Children, Sarah Napthali
This idea of living in reality, or in the present moment, is something I grapple with constantly. I was talking with a friend recently about times in a relationship when you aren't receiving the moment because you are carrying feelings from another time into now.
For example, my husband comes home late and distracted and I am mad and feel disrespected and harried...when we finally get the kids to bed and the dinner cleaned up it is late and we've barely spoken and I am still irritated. He tries to kiss me goodnight and instead of turning towards him and saying, "Thank you for being here and being my partner, and being present for our family, and working hard," I sort of shrug him off and go to sleep. That is an example of not receiving the moment - the beauty of the moment - because I am carrying something else into the present. Later, when I am old and he is dead, or when I am dying and he is at my bedside, I will regret wasting those moments. I will never look back and say, "He should have called me all those times to tell me he was going to be late." Instead, I will think, "Why did I let little things keep me from being joyful and loving."
And, in that example, reality as I would define it is that we are getting ready for bed in a peaceful house having both worked hard and he is kissing me. I overlay something when I insist that we are slightly annoyed at one another, or that I am owed some kind of acknowledgement or apology.
I think Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book The Miracle of Mindfulness, says it much better:
"If while washing dishes, we think only of the cup of tea that awaits us, thus hurrying to get the dishes out of the way as if they were a nuisance, then we are not 'washing the dishes to wash the dishes.' What's more, we are not alive during the time we are washing the dishes. In fact we are completely incapable of realizing the miracle of life while standing at the sink. If we can't wash the dishes, the chances are we won't be able to drink our tea either. While drinking the cup of tea, we will only be thinking of other things, barely aware of the cup in our hands. Thus we are sucked away into the future - and we are incapable of actually living one minute of life."
I don't really have a neat way to bring this thought to conclusion - it really is something I practice constantly. I guess I'll just say that I will let you know how it goes!
Oh and I can't resist adding some of my favorite relevant reading:
The Miracle of Mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hanh
Buddhism for Mother of Young Children, Sarah Napthali
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Today is your day, so be gentle
I am a total sap, and though it is embarrassing, I can't help loving this song. So do me a favor and listen to it while you read this, or what I'm about to say won't make as much sense.
We had a dance party this summer. We pulled out all the stops: pizza, beer, sparklers, disco ball...the children had a blast dancing with their cousins. At the end of the night I asked my 7-year-old to pick the last song, last dance. She asked me to play this one, and took my hands to dance.
Dancing there, in that moment, in that place, surrounded by family, holding her hands and looking at her sweet face as she sang this song to me...oh my heart. I thought about all the things she will confront, all the moments that will contribute negatively to her sense of self, and of all the things I can't control. Actually, I thought, "I can't protect her, I can just love her." And I cried while we danced.
Like I said, I am a total sap. I cry at songs, and at dance parties. But it wasn't just me being sappy. I was also connecting with the knowledge that we all struggle with; this moment will pass, people will grow up and move on, we can't control it, we can't stop it. We can just take it in, absorb it, be present.
I say this a lot about parenting - we can't control the outcomes but we can contribute meaningfully to the process. So I can't keep her from the challenges people face: getting hurt, being ignored by someone who used to be her friend, sleeping with a boy she should avoid, shying away from a challenge because somewhere she got the idea that success was for someone else. But I can show her I love her, and that I'm grateful I get to be her mom.
And when she fails or screws up, I won't take it as a criticism of my parenting, but rather as a gift that I get to be the person for her who will always be there, and always love her. And when she fails (because we all do), I'll try to see it as a chance to practice being a better version of myself - the version that doesn't think it is all about me, or jump to judgement. I'll try to see it as a chance to teach her how to love.
Somewhere around here I have a speech I wrote for a wedding. In the speech at some point, I urged the bride and groom to do something (be kind towards one another, maybe?) and promised if they did, it would make the benefits of marriage more obvious. The skill of being gentle when you could be harsh is one I have had to practice. Maybe it comes easily to others, but not to me.
So I hoped as I wept looking at my girl, that when it is time to show her gentle love in the hard times I know she will face, that I will be able to. And that it will be a contribution to her ability to love, and be loved.
In the end, when I'm gone and later when she is too, maybe our great-great-grandkids will dance together and cry and be grateful for the chance to love one another. And I won't be here to see it, but a little piece of that goodness will be my legacy.
We had a dance party this summer. We pulled out all the stops: pizza, beer, sparklers, disco ball...the children had a blast dancing with their cousins. At the end of the night I asked my 7-year-old to pick the last song, last dance. She asked me to play this one, and took my hands to dance.
Dancing there, in that moment, in that place, surrounded by family, holding her hands and looking at her sweet face as she sang this song to me...oh my heart. I thought about all the things she will confront, all the moments that will contribute negatively to her sense of self, and of all the things I can't control. Actually, I thought, "I can't protect her, I can just love her." And I cried while we danced.
Like I said, I am a total sap. I cry at songs, and at dance parties. But it wasn't just me being sappy. I was also connecting with the knowledge that we all struggle with; this moment will pass, people will grow up and move on, we can't control it, we can't stop it. We can just take it in, absorb it, be present.
I say this a lot about parenting - we can't control the outcomes but we can contribute meaningfully to the process. So I can't keep her from the challenges people face: getting hurt, being ignored by someone who used to be her friend, sleeping with a boy she should avoid, shying away from a challenge because somewhere she got the idea that success was for someone else. But I can show her I love her, and that I'm grateful I get to be her mom.
And when she fails or screws up, I won't take it as a criticism of my parenting, but rather as a gift that I get to be the person for her who will always be there, and always love her. And when she fails (because we all do), I'll try to see it as a chance to practice being a better version of myself - the version that doesn't think it is all about me, or jump to judgement. I'll try to see it as a chance to teach her how to love.
Somewhere around here I have a speech I wrote for a wedding. In the speech at some point, I urged the bride and groom to do something (be kind towards one another, maybe?) and promised if they did, it would make the benefits of marriage more obvious. The skill of being gentle when you could be harsh is one I have had to practice. Maybe it comes easily to others, but not to me.
So I hoped as I wept looking at my girl, that when it is time to show her gentle love in the hard times I know she will face, that I will be able to. And that it will be a contribution to her ability to love, and be loved.
In the end, when I'm gone and later when she is too, maybe our great-great-grandkids will dance together and cry and be grateful for the chance to love one another. And I won't be here to see it, but a little piece of that goodness will be my legacy.
First Foods for Baby - my 2 cents
Its almost time to start feeding George solids. He will be four months old at the end of this week. I'm ripening an avocado for him to taste. Wait, not rice? At four months? Avocado? Here's my thinking (and a couple of other people who agree with me):
Rice cereal, though popular, is not healthy for babies. First of all, what ARE those flakes? I give my other kids whole foods but I'm going to give the baby some processed, strange-looking food? That makes no sense. Really, I might as well mash up some white bread and spoon feed it to him. Here is someone else who shares that view:
http://blog.sfgate.com/sfmoms/
I also don't think that waiting until 6 months is a great idea. I know its the current trend, but I think it is more important to look at the baby. If the baby seems hungry, grabs for things, can hold his/her head up, then give it a try. I'm not making this up people, this whole 'waiting until six months' thing is a trend that I think will swing the other way. It's just my instinct, but here is one argument why my gut might be right:
http://news.healingwell.com/
Additionally, for the first food, I'm pretty sure grains don't make sense. I believe we were built for the environment in which we were created. So, pretend I live like 2,000 years ago and I have a hungry 5 month old. Would I boil grains and seeds and mash them and let them cool and give them to my baby with spoon? I don't think I would. I think I would find something already soft, cool, and delicious. An avacado, a banana...its just what my instinct tells me. Then, after the baby was eating successfully (maybe a couple weeks later), I might give the baby some of what I was eating - probably a grainy cereal would start then.
http://baby.about.com/od/
Rice cereal, though popular, is not healthy for babies. First of all, what ARE those flakes? I give my other kids whole foods but I'm going to give the baby some processed, strange-looking food? That makes no sense. Really, I might as well mash up some white bread and spoon feed it to him. Here is someone else who shares that view:
http://blog.sfgate.com/sfmoms/
I also don't think that waiting until 6 months is a great idea. I know its the current trend, but I think it is more important to look at the baby. If the baby seems hungry, grabs for things, can hold his/her head up, then give it a try. I'm not making this up people, this whole 'waiting until six months' thing is a trend that I think will swing the other way. It's just my instinct, but here is one argument why my gut might be right:
http://news.healingwell.com/
Additionally, for the first food, I'm pretty sure grains don't make sense. I believe we were built for the environment in which we were created. So, pretend I live like 2,000 years ago and I have a hungry 5 month old. Would I boil grains and seeds and mash them and let them cool and give them to my baby with spoon? I don't think I would. I think I would find something already soft, cool, and delicious. An avacado, a banana...its just what my instinct tells me. Then, after the baby was eating successfully (maybe a couple weeks later), I might give the baby some of what I was eating - probably a grainy cereal would start then.
http://baby.about.com/od/
Thursday, July 19, 2012
New Baby - What to Buy/Borrow
No matter how minimalist you want to be, there are going to be lots of things purchased/borrowed/gathered for a new baby. Since I had gotten rid of everything, I had to do it all again for George. Some items are not used for long and are easily gotten off of craigslist (bouncer chair, playmat, snap n go).
New Native Sling (any simple sling will work)
Diaper Pail (must have a lid and a foot lever)
Diaper Covers (this is if you are going to use cloth)
Crib (and sheets and bumper)
Mobile (forget color coordinating with your room - get a super interesting one! I like this one.)
Stroller (I abhor stroller systems! Get a good quality stroller that fits in your car and is easy to push. I have the
City Mini, and a Maclaren in my car.)
Infant Car Seat
Snap n Go Stroller (Don't doubt me on this one. You don't need a giant stroller system. This Snap n Go is awesome, light, and a must-have for the first 3 months.)
Swaddling Blankets
Sleep Sound (sound machine)
diaper bag
Dresser/changing table
Baby Bath (I loved my Spa Baby but some people thought I was bonkers. If you don't like the look of it, consider this ramp)
Baby wash/oil (Forget anything that isn't all natural. Babies don't need to be slathered in chemicals!)
Diapers (We preferred cloth for the first three months. I washed my own with one of my kids. I highly recommend NOT doing that! Use a service.)
Wipes (Again, as natural as possible! And, for the first 6 weeks, just use little washcloths and warm water.)
Baby Book (Write down some of those milestones!)
Baby Monitor (My cousin got me a video monitor with my 4th child. It is fabulous!)
Burp Cloths
The Happiest Baby on the Block Book
Dr. Spock Baby and Childcare Book
Glamormom nursing tank tops
Nursing Pillow (Honestly, I have no idea why the Boppy is popular. It stinks. Go with the BreastFriend nursing pillow. It is awesome)
Upholstered glider
exercise ball (I have no idea how new parents live without one of these! Babies love the bouncing motion and mom or dad can 'sit' while soothing the baby)
0-3 months onesies and pajamas
This is the list I developed:
Baby Bjorn (best after first 8 to 12 weeks)
New Native Sling (any simple sling will work)
Diaper Pail (must have a lid and a foot lever)
Diaper Covers (this is if you are going to use cloth)
Crib (and sheets and bumper)
Mobile (forget color coordinating with your room - get a super interesting one! I like this one.)
Stroller (I abhor stroller systems! Get a good quality stroller that fits in your car and is easy to push. I have the
City Mini, and a Maclaren in my car.)
Infant Car Seat
Snap n Go Stroller (Don't doubt me on this one. You don't need a giant stroller system. This Snap n Go is awesome, light, and a must-have for the first 3 months.)
Swaddling Blankets
Sleep Sound (sound machine)
diaper bag
Dresser/changing table
Baby Bath (I loved my Spa Baby but some people thought I was bonkers. If you don't like the look of it, consider this ramp)
Baby wash/oil (Forget anything that isn't all natural. Babies don't need to be slathered in chemicals!)
Diapers (We preferred cloth for the first three months. I washed my own with one of my kids. I highly recommend NOT doing that! Use a service.)
Wipes (Again, as natural as possible! And, for the first 6 weeks, just use little washcloths and warm water.)
Baby Book (Write down some of those milestones!)
Baby Monitor (My cousin got me a video monitor with my 4th child. It is fabulous!)
Burp Cloths
The Happiest Baby on the Block Book
Dr. Spock Baby and Childcare Book
Glamormom nursing tank tops
Nursing Pillow (Honestly, I have no idea why the Boppy is popular. It stinks. Go with the BreastFriend nursing pillow. It is awesome)
Upholstered glider
exercise ball (I have no idea how new parents live without one of these! Babies love the bouncing motion and mom or dad can 'sit' while soothing the baby)
0-3 months onesies and pajamas
Friday, June 22, 2012
Birth Decisions - this post might be upsetting
I have to share this video. If you don't want to watch something about male infant circumcision, don't click the link.
But if you are willing to consider the point of view that the surgery is harmful and wrong, you will find this lecture interesting.
But if you are willing to consider the point of view that the surgery is harmful and wrong, you will find this lecture interesting.
I cannot understand why people are totally outraged at the idea of female genital mutilation, but completely numb to the common practice in this country of male genital mutilation.
One of the most thought provoking things about this to me is that the clinical and detached person performing the surgery in the short clip included in the lecture, is likely the same person who decided whether or not that baby's mother (and many other women), required an episiotomy, stitches, or a c-section during her birth process. When I watch that clip, I do not think, "Boy, that's the guy I want making decisions about my genitals!"
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Infant - first 8 weeks!
During my pregnancy, I kept trying to remember what I actually needed for a new baby. I thought I would take a moment and summarize what I have actually used during these first 8 weeks with little George.
1) A place to sleep:
We have the fisher-price snuggabunny sleeper next to our bed. When George was brand new, we could set him down in this sleeper, all swaddled, and he stayed asleep. I imagine he hardly noticed having been put down. Also, it rocks, so after nursing at night I can rock him back to sleep easily.
2) A baby carrier:
I have a mei-tai style carrier, and have a hand-me down Moby wrap - both are great. But, my all-time favorite is the new native carrier. It it small when folded so easy to take along. Also, it is so simple to put on - I can do it standing in a parking lot when we run into a store. I have used it with all four of my children and still love it.
3) Burp management:
I ended up supplementing feeding with some formula. I think that has made burp (spit-up) management even more important! First, I use simethicone drops. If I forget for a day, I notice a marked increase in spit-up and discomfort. I also have been loving these adorable burp cloths, by aden and anais. Since there is constantly one on my shoulder, I'm glad they are cute!
4) A snap-n-go:
Its obvious, right? It carries the car seat so you don't have to wake a sleeping baby.
5) A play-mat:
By 4 or 5 weeks, a happy alert baby enjoys this! It is a great 'activity' between feeding, diapering, and sleeping.
6) A theory:
I'm pretty sure if I met the authors of this book, On Becoming Babywise, we would not be friends. I have a sneaking suspicion we don't agree about politics (I'm super liberal and I get the sense they are...um...not). However, this book underlies my understanding of how to manage a baby's schedule. Seriously, it works. Eat, awake, sleep. It seems simple and it really makes for a happier baby.
7) An infant scale:
For a nursing mother, knowing whether or not your baby is gaining weight can be the difference a sense of success, or a constant worry. I rented an infant scale and it gave me the info I needed to stop worrying.
8) Noise Machines:
At night, we use the Marpac sound machine in our room. That way, every little noise doesn't disturb George. During the day, if George is snoozing in a noisy room, I use the sleep sheep. It seems to enable him to sleep amid the bustle!
I'll keep adding to the list as I think of things!
1) A place to sleep:
We have the fisher-price snuggabunny sleeper next to our bed. When George was brand new, we could set him down in this sleeper, all swaddled, and he stayed asleep. I imagine he hardly noticed having been put down. Also, it rocks, so after nursing at night I can rock him back to sleep easily.
2) A baby carrier:
I have a mei-tai style carrier, and have a hand-me down Moby wrap - both are great. But, my all-time favorite is the new native carrier. It it small when folded so easy to take along. Also, it is so simple to put on - I can do it standing in a parking lot when we run into a store. I have used it with all four of my children and still love it.
3) Burp management:
I ended up supplementing feeding with some formula. I think that has made burp (spit-up) management even more important! First, I use simethicone drops. If I forget for a day, I notice a marked increase in spit-up and discomfort. I also have been loving these adorable burp cloths, by aden and anais. Since there is constantly one on my shoulder, I'm glad they are cute!
4) A snap-n-go:
Its obvious, right? It carries the car seat so you don't have to wake a sleeping baby.
5) A play-mat:
By 4 or 5 weeks, a happy alert baby enjoys this! It is a great 'activity' between feeding, diapering, and sleeping.
6) A theory:
I'm pretty sure if I met the authors of this book, On Becoming Babywise, we would not be friends. I have a sneaking suspicion we don't agree about politics (I'm super liberal and I get the sense they are...um...not). However, this book underlies my understanding of how to manage a baby's schedule. Seriously, it works. Eat, awake, sleep. It seems simple and it really makes for a happier baby.
7) An infant scale:
For a nursing mother, knowing whether or not your baby is gaining weight can be the difference a sense of success, or a constant worry. I rented an infant scale and it gave me the info I needed to stop worrying.
8) Noise Machines:
At night, we use the Marpac sound machine in our room. That way, every little noise doesn't disturb George. During the day, if George is snoozing in a noisy room, I use the sleep sheep. It seems to enable him to sleep amid the bustle!
I'll keep adding to the list as I think of things!
Monday, February 13, 2012
What do you know about your house?
I am planning to give birth to this baby here, at our house. It was built about 110 years ago, and I would love to know how many other people we born here. I did a quick internet search and realized it is very easy to find out how much $ houses nearby sell for. It is only slightly more difficult to find out who bought them. It is also not very hard to find out a long-term price history for a house. And, of course, in most cases I could find a history of the owners of a home - though not as far back as 110 years.
Is there a record somewhere of how many people were born here?
Probably not. Amazingly, that information is not useful or meaningful to how we understand our communities, and the places in which we choose to live. It matters more what it cost, than what happened here.
What would it be like if we valued different information about the things around us? What if the most important things when we bought a house were the answers to questions like:
- Were people happy here?
- Was there a successful marriage here?
- Did people raise children here? How many?
- Did anyone die here? If they did, were they at peace?
I'm not arguing that this is how we SHOULD do things, I'm just thinking about how narrow we are when we asses our spaces, and the places where we will live our lives.
When we first moved in, there was a ghost living here. She was a lovely lady and very polite. But soon after, a couple of less polite spirits made themselves at home. With the help of my sister (see my link to her site), we ushered them all out. It was a huge step for our family in feeling ownership over this house. Quite honestly, I felt more ownership after that than I did after we signed the mortgage papers (In that case, we STILL don't own it, right? It is still the bank's).
Here are some tips about finding out more about the history of your home:
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Screen Time
I think I might be pretty weak in this area. Whenever I bring it up, the moms I talk to seem to have a better sense of reasonable 'screen time' limits. My little guy, in particular, would spend most of the day hanging out with one screen or another (computer, tv, wii, ipad) if I let him.
My current rule is he gets 1/2 hour per day of screen games, plus he might watch 1/2 hour of tv at night. But to be fair, that doesn't include the 20 minutes he might play on my phone while waiting in pick-up line for his sisters. Or the times I hand him my phone in a store so I can finish my errands. Or the times he has used up that 1/2 hour, and I let him sit near me in the kitchen playing on pbskids while I'm busy.
If someone has a system for screen times that seems to work well, I would love to hear it.
How much is too much, and how do you manage it?
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