I was hanging out with my sister and her friend. The friend was dealing with her child who was, in that moment, not easy to please. When the friend returned to the adult conversation she said something about how hard it was to make kids happy. I laughed a little and said, "Oh boy, that's not my job! I'm not trying to make my kids happy!" The friend, I think, thought I was joking.
Who wouldn't want their kids to be happy? Well, I DO want them to be happy. I just don't think I'm the person responsible for making that happen. I think it is my job to teach them how to make themselves happy. So when they are fussing over some small thing, I don't see that as an opportunity for me to make them happy. I see that as a chance for them to learn how to make themselves happy. And if they need help with that challenge, I'm there to do that. But I'm not there to convince them that their unhappiness, or dissatisfaction, is somehow my responsibility. Because, in truth, we are each responsible for finding our own happiness. Growing up believing that IF ONLY someone ELSE would do just the right thing, you would be happy is, I believe, disabling. And, I feel that when I show them the way, and they do it themselves, they are building self confidence, and a sense that I believe in them. I'm not looking at them anxiously trying to make them happy, I'm looking at them saying, "I know you can do this."
I'm not saying I'm, like, watching my kids be miserable and just waiting for them to figure it out. I am doing everything I can to teach them paths towards happiness. Writing this blog made me make a list of the ways in which I think I do this:
1) We talk a lot about the world and about their place in it. We don't talk, as a family, about all the things we don't have, or can't afford. Instead we talk A LOT about all the things we DO have, for which we are very lucky. And we take time every night to sing a little song of grace and thanks.
2) When they are really stressed and talking quickly in a high pitched voice about things that they are super upset about, together we take some really deep breaths. Breathing can make things seem much more manageable.
3) When they are agitated at night I remind them that, "These are not problems a tired brain should try to solve."
4) When they begin picking fights with one another, we talk about two important things: a. tone can create outcomes and b. this is a lifelong relationship which, thankfully, one fight will not break
5) I encourage them to think about the energies in their bodies, and their contribution to those energies
6) We talk about everything in terms of choices. So I might say, "You can choose to spend the last 15 minutes before bed sulking and whining, or you can choose to spend it playing a game with your siblings." Either way, I'm going to play the game, not sit and listen to the pouting child. There are two reasons for that: a. I'm modeling how to make the better choice and b. the children who are making the better choice should not miss out on fun time with me because one person has her 'knickers in a bunch' (thanks S.H.W. for that phrase!)
7)We talk a lot about taking turns. So when everyone says, "I don't want to go to...(fill in anyplace!)" I might say, "Ok, I hear that you don't want to go but this outing is not about you. It is so-and-so's turn for an outing and she/he went when it was your turn to get shoes/get a haircut/drive you to your lesson/whatever, and now it is her/his turn to get what he/she needs. You don't have to WANT to go on this outing, but you do have to go."
8) We have been searching for (and *maybe* finally found) a spiritual community in which we will participate as a family.
OK, I'm reading this list and it really sounds like I think I have it all sorted out. That's funny, because that is certainly not how I feel. But I guess there are a few...well maybe eight...things I think I am doing right.
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