I can't change you - but I can make you insecure.

When you decide to have a baby, you have to think about that great nursery school line (my kids were taught it in nursery school, anyway): You get what you get and you don't get upset.  You are going to get the baby that the Universe intended for you, whether it matches with your expectations or not.  And, you can enjoy whatever comes, or you can resist it.  When you resist it, the clash between your expectations and what IS, gets played out on the self-confidence of your child.  You cannot change who your child is, but you can contribute negatively or positively to their self-esteem.

When you review your relationship with your child, look for times when you are resistant to who they are.  What is happening in those scenarios, and how can you improve upon them?  For me, when I don't take care of myself well, I am less able to exhibit appreciation for the things about my children that are challenging for me.  For example, one of my children find calm and peace by humming and wiggling.  Humming and wiggling drives me crazy when I am tired, hungry, overstimulated etc.  When I snap at her for doing those things, I am basically saying that who she IS is annoying to me.  Not a good parenting message.  Therefore, I have a responsibility to her to do what I can to be in a state of mind where I can be patient and appreciate that she has ways to calm herself, or get herself to focus.

Of course, this is a practice and I am not perfect at it.  I can't count the number of times I have failed.  But like all things, the more I practice the easier it gets.

Underlying this practice are my core beliefs about life, and why we each are here.  I believe that it is our job to learn what it means to be 'me', and then to find the inner voice that leads us to our true purpose.  In this context, when I make my child feel criticized, I'm putting a road block into the process by which they will come to know and accept themselves.  If we cannot know and accept ourselves, we cannot hear our own inner guide that helps us find our place.

That doesn't mean they will always be happy with everything I say and do.  In fact, if I do my job well, sometimes I will make them very mad. But I will never make them feel like who they are is not good enough. It is my goal to be a positive force in my children's lives.  When they are with me, I want them to feel loved and valued.

I keep this in mind:  I cannot mold or change my children. If I indulge my own weaknesses, I can make them feel bad about themselves.

This works beautifully as a 'positive prayer':
I pray that when they are with me, my children will feel valued and loved.  They will feel my happiness to be with them, and the joy I feel in being their mother.  They will know that I feel that we are a 'good-fit' and that I have gifts to offer them.  They will also know that I learn from them, and value their gifts.

More on Marriage - sex myths?

Here's the thing: when I grow up I want to be a sex therapist.  I wrote my college thesis about the Puritan roots of our culture; in my mind, Americans are very uptight about sex.  So I recently saw this little 'article' and loved it:

http://healthyliving.msn.com/health-wellness/men/sex/six-myths-about-healthy-sex

It amazed me that these are all 'myths' about sex!  Do people generally believe that everyone is living in a porn movie/harlequin romance novel?  Sex is no different from anything else in a marriage.  It is like a conversation, a party, an afternoon: sometimes it is easy and fun, and sometimes its more work.  And, like everything else in a relationship, if you don't put the time in its not as good.  But also like all things in marriage if you approach it with love, honesty, a sense of humor, and a genuine desire to make your partner happy, it is better than anything else.

I've heard women say that they are generally just too tired to invest in their sex life.  I have 4 children, a job, a giant family, a baby who gets up twice a night...believe me, I understand about tired. But there is nothing more tiring than a marriage that isn't working.  Truly, that must be the most exhausting thing of all.

I remember talking once to a group of moms.  We were all in our early 30's (at the time) and the other gals were saying that they rarely had sex.  All they wanted at the end of each day was 'me' time.  I was so confused!  Why, for heavens sake, is sex not considered 'me' time?  They explained that their husbands didn't really know what they wanted, foreplay was lacking etc.  So I made them a bet.  I suggested that they each go home and, after the kids were asleep, approached their husbands and ask them for exactly what they wanted in bed. I bet them that their husbands would be truly delighted to comply.

It was not long after that my husband and I were at a cocktail party and a couple of husbands approached me and thanked me!  I'm not joking.  My husband was laughing, wondering what the heck I had been telling these wives!

So my 2 cents today is to invest with love and an open-heart in your sex life.  Don't use fatigue as an excuse.  Ask honestly for what you want.  Enjoy!

Practice in Marriage - 'They can't all be winners!"

Writing takes discipline.  Sometimes I have nothing to write, nothing to say.  But like anything worth doing, doing it well takes practice, lots and lots of practice.  In our culture, we don’t allow for a lot of practice, and mistake making, when it comes to the core areas of our lives.  For example, when two people get married, the expectation is that they will be happy together.  Or maybe we expect that they won’t be successful.  But there is not a language for what will really happen.  Which is that they will practice being married to one another every day.  Some days, they will do it very poorly, and other days they will do it better.  But will they say, when they hurt one another’s feelings, “I’m sorry.  I do my best to be a great partner to you, but sometimes I fail.  I’m practicing and making improvements.” Probably, they won’t.  They will be defensive, and blame one another.  That does not create an environment that inspires growth and improvement.

My husband is brilliant.  One example of his amazingness: once when we were talking about dinner, and I was saying I wanted take-out, he was explaining that we needed to dig in the cupboard because we had a lot of plans coming up, and needed to set aside some extra cash.  Obviously, this was not what I wanted to hear.  So I said, “I hate this conversation.” And he said matter-of-factly, “Well, they can’t all be winners.”

They can’t all be winners.  Marital brilliance!  This is true of days, conversations, interactions, birthday gifts, sexual encounters, weekends…the list goes on and on!  What I love about it is that is presupposed that in a functional system there will always be some amount of failure.  That is normal, to be expected, not worth overreacting to.

We know that if we want to learn to play basketball, we will spend some portion of the time standing beneath that basket, throwing the ball towards it, and missing.  Some days, we will make more of the shots than we miss. Some days we will miss more than we make. (On those days we might be a little grumpy and might even consider quitting) But hopefully, slowly, the good days will outnumber the trying days.  And then amazingly, one day, we will have a perfect day and make every shot. 

Next time your spouse makes you very very angry, remember that it is a really crappy day of practice for your spouse.  Making you angry is their failure, their row of missed shots.  And maybe, instead of explaining to them why you are RIGHT to be so angry, instead cut them some slack, and remind them that practice is hard.  Maybe that kindness will help you both hit that golden day with no missed shots.

BUSY at dinnertime/homework time

Homework Helper

It is busy during homework time.  I’m trying to cook dinner, the baby needs to be fed, and three children are all at the table, shouting out homework questions at me.  Seriously, it feels like I’m juggling flaming batons and someone is giving me a pop-quiz on everything I learned in 5^th grade.  It is VERY hard for me to remain calm, constructive, and in the moment.  My brain just feels like it is going to pop!  (I’m sure I’ve even said that aloud a time or two.  Ok, a million times. Like every night.)

So I’m trying a new system to keep the demands on me during that time of day more reasonable, and to keep the pace of everything more manageable: 

1)   First of all, my husband and I are cooking more on Sundays – doing the lion’s-share of the prep-work so I only have reheating to do each night.

2)   Secondly, I bought three stones with words engraved on them.  One says ‘happiness’, one says ‘courage’, and one says ‘peace’.  I put them on a small wooden tray in the middle of the table while I prepare dinner.  If someone needs help with homework, they are not allowed to shout out their question.  They take a stone and say, “Homework Helper!” Then they wait until I come to the table.  While they wait, they hold the stone and think of a time during that day or week when they experienced the word on the rock.  When I come help, I put the stone back on the tray and they have the opportunity to tell me about their thoughts.  Then I help them with their homework question.  It SLOOOOWWWED the pace WAY down in the kitchen, and made us all a little quieter, and a little more reflective.

I hope this system continues to be useful.  Some ideas are great, and some ideas are unsustainable.  I really hope this one works long-term, as I would love to remain calm during that very busy time of day.