I can't change you - but I can make you insecure.

When you decide to have a baby, you have to think about that great nursery school line (my kids were taught it in nursery school, anyway): You get what you get and you don't get upset.  You are going to get the baby that the Universe intended for you, whether it matches with your expectations or not.  And, you can enjoy whatever comes, or you can resist it.  When you resist it, the clash between your expectations and what IS, gets played out on the self-confidence of your child.  You cannot change who your child is, but you can contribute negatively or positively to their self-esteem.

When you review your relationship with your child, look for times when you are resistant to who they are.  What is happening in those scenarios, and how can you improve upon them?  For me, when I don't take care of myself well, I am less able to exhibit appreciation for the things about my children that are challenging for me.  For example, one of my children find calm and peace by humming and wiggling.  Humming and wiggling drives me crazy when I am tired, hungry, overstimulated etc.  When I snap at her for doing those things, I am basically saying that who she IS is annoying to me.  Not a good parenting message.  Therefore, I have a responsibility to her to do what I can to be in a state of mind where I can be patient and appreciate that she has ways to calm herself, or get herself to focus.

Of course, this is a practice and I am not perfect at it.  I can't count the number of times I have failed.  But like all things, the more I practice the easier it gets.

Underlying this practice are my core beliefs about life, and why we each are here.  I believe that it is our job to learn what it means to be 'me', and then to find the inner voice that leads us to our true purpose.  In this context, when I make my child feel criticized, I'm putting a road block into the process by which they will come to know and accept themselves.  If we cannot know and accept ourselves, we cannot hear our own inner guide that helps us find our place.

That doesn't mean they will always be happy with everything I say and do.  In fact, if I do my job well, sometimes I will make them very mad. But I will never make them feel like who they are is not good enough. It is my goal to be a positive force in my children's lives.  When they are with me, I want them to feel loved and valued.

I keep this in mind:  I cannot mold or change my children. If I indulge my own weaknesses, I can make them feel bad about themselves.

This works beautifully as a 'positive prayer':
I pray that when they are with me, my children will feel valued and loved.  They will feel my happiness to be with them, and the joy I feel in being their mother.  They will know that I feel that we are a 'good-fit' and that I have gifts to offer them.  They will also know that I learn from them, and value their gifts.