My reason to celebrate and marvel this season

This has been a very dark time.  This country is suffering from a tragedy.  I have yet to read or hear anything that can 'make sense' of what happened to those women and children in Connecticut.

My eldest daughter was asking me this week about the story of Jesus, and about how it relates to the tree, gifts, and Santa. I told her the two were conflated long ago, and that the tree, and Santa both have their roots in winter solstice celebrations.  The message, I told her, is that even in the darkest times, human beings can create joy, giving, and light.

Even in the darkest times, human beings can create joy, giving, and light. I believe this is true, and it is a truth about us that is miraculous.  When the worst has happened, humans look for something to be grateful for, and for a reason to find joy. I've read statements from parents who lost their children last week in which they expressed gratitude for having known their beloved child.

This Christmas, my family will be talking and thinking about Jesus and his story.  We will simultaneously be celebrating the miracle of humanity, and the gift of the human spirit.

Happy Holidays, all.

Practice - especially when it's hard

Talking about someone else’s tragedy feels absurd, and voyeuristic.  I do want to acknowledge the horror of what happened, and the unending effects that will be felt by the families and communities affected.  The women and children who were killed are in my thoughts and prayers. 

As I get ready to send my own children back out into the world tomorrow morning, I continue my practice of turning worries into positive prayers. 

I pray my children will go out into the world tomorrow and find the world to be a kind and interesting place.  I pray that they will be safe and nurtured tomorrow at school.  I pray that they will be delivered home safely to me tomorrow evening, and that they will have positive things to tell me about their day. With all my heart, I pray for their safety.

I know how hard it can be.  I implore each of you to contribute to the light, if you can.  Let the energy that comes from you be one towards peace, and healing.  Do not let the energy that flows from you to the universe be dark and frightened.  Find the light inside, and let it shine.  It can heal.

I pray that my readers find the light inside, connect with it, and send it back out into the world in the form of positive prayer.  I pray that all of that light contributes to healing, wherever it is needed.

Practicing Positive Thinking

I recently heard someone say that worrying is like praying for what you don't want to happen. This makes a lot of sense to me.  Whether it is because you know worrying can cause stress, or because you believe that positive energy is good for the universe, or because you believe in the power of prayer, you KNOW that worrying is bad for kids.

So here is what I teach mine.  When you worry, allow the thought to happen.  Say the worry to yourself.  Then, turn the worry into a positive prayer.  (You can use a different word if you don't like the word 'prayer'.)

So, as an example from my own life, I feel some generalized worry about my daughter's upcoming school outing.  I let it rise until I can acknowledge the concrete worry/fear.  I am worried that she will get lost from the group and be scared, or worse, kidnapped.  Then, I turn that into a positive prayer.  I pray that my daughter will have a good time on the outing, that she will be safe and secure with her friends and teachers, and she will come home happy.  Then I visualize each of these positive things.  Every time the worry arises, I meet it with my positive prayer and visualization.

I don't mean to reinvent the wheel here.  This is very consistent with the Buddhist concept about negative emotions/thoughts in which you do not repress them.  Rather, you embrace the negative and meet it with its positive counterpart.  And, like a mother with a wailing child, you cradle it and let the stronger positive energy hold it lovingly.  Like the arms of the gentle mother, the negative emotion/energy becomes calmed, transformed. This practice I am describing of transforming worry and anxiety into positive prayer is an example of that.  It is a practice I am committed to, and is one I am teaching to my children.

Liking Men - Part I

 Some posts are harder to construct than others.  Narrative is challenging, of course, but the construction of it can be simple; tell a story, and tell why it matters.  What I want to talk about in this post is much more complex in my mind.  In fact, it is going to be the first in a series about marriage, men, and feminism. For me, this is laden with hotly debated topics, and deeply engrained roles.  For that reason, I am going to progress as carefully as I can, while still being true to what I intend to communicate.

I’m not going to start at the beginning of this set of ideas.  Rather I am going to start right here, today.  I absolutely love men.  I love so many things about men.  And the man I know best is my husband.  I see shadows of him in men I hear about, read about and see.  And I love those men too.  When I say ‘love’ I mean that I feel a deep appreciation and gratitude for these people, and for what their ‘maleness’ brings into the world. 

Every man is different, and there are innumerable ways to exist as a man in this world.  Gender is a performance, and one does not even need to be biologically male to perform as a male in society.  Even with all the variety, we all have a sense of what might be uniquely male.  Who said that thing about pornography?  I can’t define it but I know it when I see it. I feel that way about maleness.

So why bother talking about this?  Because I have a growing sense that positive things that are uniquely male are not generally commented on, or appreciated.  I was struck most recently by this during the coverage of that horrible shooting in that movie theater in Aurora.  Twelve people died that day.  FOUR of them were men shielding a woman they knew.  Four men shielded a woman beside them and died. 

I asked my husband about his own instinct.  He said OF COURSE he would try to protect me in a violent situation.  When I asked him how he knows that, he asked me if I would protect our children at the risk of my own life.  Without a doubt, I know that I would.  He claims it is the same instinct.

This takes my breath away.  In his heart, he believes he would jump in front of a bullet for me.  Without question.  I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it.  Those men in that theater did that that day.  Just regular guys at a movie.  Not soldiers, not police officers.  Just dudes at a movie.  There is something about maleness that is heroic and selfless.  Thank God for men.

Rise of the Guardians

We watched 'Rise of the Guardians' this weekend.  I'm totally going to spoil the plot, so if you care about that, don't read this.

The movie was fun to watch and the kids enjoyed it.  I particularly loved the Cossack Santa and all his bluster.  Actually it is this powerful Santa who introduces the central theme of the movie and a turning point for the protagonist, Jack Frost.  Using the Matryoshka dolls, he shows Jack that every person is layered, and nuanced.  And that knowing what is in your own center, your little central doll, is the key to a happy life.

I loved this discussion!  I completely agree!  Being authentically oneself is the first step to living a life of integrity.  And then basing our actions on that true self - that is what leads to Truth, and connection with the Spirit.  Some may call it our 'calling', others may call it 'listening to the inner light...but however you understand it, I loved that Santa was talking about it in a kids movie. He shows Jack that the answers he seeks can be found by looking inside, and then being true to what he finds there.  By knowing himself, he will find peace.

Of course, there is the antagonist to our Jack.  The Boogie Man.  He is threatening the Guardians and must be stopped...blah blah blah.  This is where, for me, the movie really fell short.  We see the Boogie Man, Pitch Black, and all he has suffered.  He used to rule the world, when people were afraid all the time.  And now he is sad, lonely, and shunned.  He tries to get Jack to join him, but is rejected.  And, in the final confrontation of the movie, he is dragged away by his evil horses of fear. (It was weird - they drag him into the center of the earth.  Was he going to Hades??)

For me, this conclusion was really a lost opportunity.  Santa makes such a wonderful case to Jack about the essence of each person.  And, we get to see some of WHY The Boogie Man is so sad.  So why can't the Guardians engage him, understand him, and lead him into the light?

I am always disappointed when movies for kids teach them things I will have to unteach.  One of the big ones I ALWAYS have to work on is the idea of dualities within us.  We can't push away parts of ourselves that we don't like, in an effort to become the opposite.  We are never one thing OR another.  We are always all things.  It is our limited vision that makes this so hard to see.  So when you find something in you that you don't like, you cannot push it away.  The only way to make meaningful change is to do the opposite.  Embrace it.  Bring a larger, stronger force to bear on it in a loving way.  Then you can walk forward without the conflict.

The Guardians in that stupid movie cast away their enemy, instead of transforming him.  He's just going to spend the next thousand years plotting against them!  The same is true within us. They should have seen him for what he was - dynamic, layered, and nuanced like everyone else. They should have acknowledged him, and loved him, and changed him.

I really really wish this movie had been brave enough to show that to the kids.  Seriously.  They were clearly capable of the concept.  The Santa scene with the doll was great!  Or maybe I'm so fixated on that scene because I thought Santa was kind of hot.  But that is a discussion for another post entirely.

Sometimes it falls apart

I love this line from Erin McKeowen: "All that I supposed I held has come to be untied." What a great image.

Luckily, nothing has happened in my adult life that is truly destructive.  However, there are those times when it all seems to be going off the rails.

Today is a great example.  My husband is away.  His car broke down on his trip.  I go out to take my oldest to her before school activity and my car is dead.  It does not respond to being jumped.  So I rent a car in order, most importantly, to get the baby to his 11 am doctors appointment.  I get there and it's, "Sorry Mrs. C, you're appointment was at 9 and we can't see you today." What a mess.  And the underlying issues that bubble-up: can we afford to fix both cars?  can we afford to replace them?  if my car breaks down, NO ONE can help me move my FOUR kids around...what will I do??

Believe me, it was one of those mornings that could make you cry.

So as I'm driving back from the appointment, wondering how the heck I messed up the appointment time AGAIN (I've missed TWO other Doctor's appointments in the past 6 months), I review the morning in my head.  What is the MESSAGE!!??

Then I realize it.  My sister slept over to give me a hand while my husband was away.  She drove me to get the rental car.  And, as I was worrying about having to wake the baby from his morning nap, a dear old friend texted, "I'm in your neighborhood, wanna visit?" And she stayed with the monitor so the baby could finish his nap.  My sweet husband, from his business trip, had the mechanic pick up my broken car.  And the guy at the rental agency was super friendly!  Actually, so was the receptionist at the doctors office.

So this is my take-away from this crappy morning (that started at 5:45 am with the baby crying) - the universe reminded me today that I am lucky and supported by beloved people.  What a blessing. Really, everything was a minor inconvenience in comparison to the gift of people who are so kind and loving.

And here I am in my warm cozy house, bouncing my baby on my knee, and I feel really really grateful.  Thank you sister, friend and husband, for reminding me how incredibly lucky I am.