Mantra looking ahead to November

I am STILL reading Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron. I emphasize 'still' because it is the book my Buddhist mom's group began reading this summer.  Around here, 3 kids in new schools, a running toddler, and a move to a new house slowed my pace for other things considerably.  So, I am STILL reading it.  And actually, that is explanation enough for why I am focusing on this as my mantra:

There are no interruptions

I say that as I exhale when it seems like my whole life is an interruption.  Parents of small kids know that feeling well.  But this applies to larger issues too - a job loss, a divorce, a sudden expensive repair to a home. When we think of everything as an interruption to our otherwise peaceful existence, we forget that ALL of life is our opportunity to practice, to learn, and to grow.  So that little knee jerk impulse to react with irritation when we are 'interrupted' in small and large ways, should be tempered.  As difficult as it can be to see, it is when we are challenged that we have the most intense opportunities to practice compassion, peace, balance, and love.

Nothing that happens is an interruption.  ALL of it is life.

Growing intuition

To me, the purpose of my life is to find my true calling and live it.  In order to do this, I must clear away all the things I think and carry that are not mine.  When each of us lives out our true calling, we are doing the job God put us here to do.  Living out that job will lead us to live in the flow of love. When we live in the flow of love, we experience happiness, we are closer to God, and we contribute peace to the world. (I am reminded of a recent mantra of mine that I got from a guided meditation: The only source of happiness is the flow of Love.)

The process of clearing away things that don't belong to us requires a well developed sense of intuition.  How can we know if something really matters to us if we don't trust in our own gut reactions?  And how can we discern intuition from fear without practice?  We cannot.  

So, one of my central jobs as a parent is to aid my kids in developing their own intuition.  We do many things as a family to aid in this process, and I have recently integrated a new tool in this effort.

I bought a deck of Oracle Cards at one of my favorite spots, EarthSpeak in Kimberton, PA. (You can also find them here.) Each Oracle Card has a beautiful picture and a message:

At dinner, I shuffle the cards and each child takes a turn picking.  When they choose a card, they read the message and show the picture.  They then tell us whether they think the message is for them or for one of their family members, and why.

This calls on each child to use their intuition about external information, and to decide if it is relevant to them.  It also gives the children a chance to reflect to their siblings what they think about their sibling's life and inner process.

For example, my oldest, S, drew a card that said "Wish Upon a Star - Make a wish and expect the very best." She said she thought the message was for her younger sister, N, as N often second guesses her own skills and creations.  N agreed and said, "I should practice expecting the best for myself." It was so moving to watch the two girls, aged 11 and 8, talk in such a caring and thoughtful way.  And N felt so validated when she heard her sister make such a insightful observation.

Do you agree that intuition is an important life skill? 

The Middle School Challenge; boots on the ground

I have no military experience, so it wasn't until I heard Obama talking recently that I first heard the phrase 'boots on the ground'. To quote the ever-brilliant Wikipedia, "The term is used to convey the belief that military success can only be achieved through the direct physical presence of troops in a conflict area." I don't usually use conflict terms to think about parenting, however this concept of boots on the ground really rung a bell for me. Nothing can replace 'direct physical presence' with kids, especially where there is a 'conflict area'.  In our house, our oldest is starting her first years of Middle School - conflict area anyone?

So, this has been my solution to-date.  Each week, I take the two middle kids to a sports class.  While they are in class, the oldest and I walk or jog the track. Sometimes we take turns pushing the little guy in the stroller.  She resists going with me each week. She has a headache, she is too tired, she's in a bad mood...EVERY excuse.  And each week I say, "Well we have to take these guys to class anyway." And each week, the minute we get on the track, she starts talking and doesn't stop until we are done.  Today she said, "I am worried I am talking too much!  You didn't get to talk!" I mean seriously, I'm in heaven.  She tells me all about the worries and challenges of her new middle school life.  Without this time together, I would NEVER get this kind of intel!  And, as I jog beside her listening, she has asked my advice a couple of times.  This can only be a good thing.

I have worked with many families professionally over my past 10 years as a college admissions consultant.  One thing I see in many families who need my help, is that the parents are disconnected from the core gifts a parent can give their kids.  I have said to many parents, "Your job as your student writes their college essays is to be present as a parent.  Make sure there are snacks, ink in the printer, and plenty of printer paper.  Be nearby to read drafts." Some parents seem taken aback by this advice.  They see themselves less as assistants, and more as CEOs of the process.  They want to MANAGE it. But from my point of view, parenting your child through normal change isn't about being a manager.  It is about being present, and showing care. 

For my daughter now, 'boots on the ground' is really sneakers on a track.  As she changes, I'm sure being present will take on a new form. But no matter what, being truly there will always be the most important thing I can do.

Being Joyful

I think the worst thing I could hear from my kids when they look back on my mothering is that they remember me as *joyless*. I want them to feel and know that I am grateful for their presence in my life, and for the freedom I have to raise them in health and safety.  The best way to share that with them is to let them see that I get joy from being here with them.

So maybe dishes lie and wait for me, laundry is knee deep, and my phone is vibrating with irritation. I'd rather do this: roll on the floor laughing with the baby, read to the 6 year old, wrestle the cranky 11 year old until she laughs, give the 8 year old a patient ear as she recounts an entire chapter of her book to me.  I won't brush them off as if they are at the bottom of my to-do list.  Rather I will decadently act as though I have nothing better to do than indulge in spending time with them.  And, when I think about what really matters the truth is there is nothing better to do than this.