Six is a real challenge!

This is my 3rd 6-year-old, and lemme tell you, it is a tough age for me!  I don't know what the deal is, but I find 6 endearing, sweet, intelligent and INFURIATING!  So it gives me a daily opportunity to practice managing anger and frustration.  It also challenges my mothering creativity.  I want this 6-year-old to feel that he is cherished, loved, and valued.  No one feels that way when they also feel they are infuriating!  So each day I practice, practice, practice.  I also take time each morning to set my intention with him:

Today I will show this child that he brings me joy, that he is loved, and that his energy is enjoyed by his family.  Today I will hug and snuggle him and show him how glad I am that he is here with me.  Today I will observe my anger and impatience, and will pause rather than let them control me.  I am bigger than my worst reactions and with love, I will observe them, and let them go.

I also suspended our usual point system for this child.  It wasn't really giving him any help. Instead I gave him a simpler system.  He gets a strike when he resists our normal routine (refusing to come to the table, refusing to clear his plate, refusing to put on his coat, refusing to come upstairs for bed, screaming and running around during dinner etc.)  Any good behavior results in a loss of a strike.  His goal is to go to bed with no strikes, and to leave for school with no strikes.  3 strikes and he gets a time out.

So far, he has found this to be very engaging and exciting.  He loves seeing me mark down the 'strike free' successes!  He is also awaiting what the 'prize' will be for all the positive marks.

How do you handle it when one child is suddenly very challenging?  Is there an age that you consistently find difficult?

Energy

I've been coming into the realization that one of the biggest jobs/challenges of managing a busy household is taking responsibility for the energy in which we all live.  I have switched from being energetically reactive, to be energetically creative and responsible.  As I have transitioned into this new role, I have also become aware of non-direct ways in which I was formerly trying to mitigate the energy of others in our group.  For example, if my husband was annoyed and told one of the kids off, I would go to him and try to cool him down, and would then offer the child some sort of comfort.  But, as I am taking a more active role in generating a cool and calm household energy, I realize this kind of behind-the-scenes negotiating is counter to my overall goal.  My overall goal is that we each learn to live together, and learn to be responsible for our own impact.

I am exploring different ways in which I can create a positive environment without inadvertently undermining the process.  Some of these I have already discussed in this blog.  One new addition to our house is a bevy of salt lamps.  I know these aren't new news, but they are newly being used in our house.  Since placing them by each person's bed, we have each noticed a deeper sleep, and more dream recollection.

The next challenge on my list is to gather legitimate information about the impact of ELF waves, and ways to decrease this impact.  Lest you think I've totally lost the plot, take a look here, and here. At the least, it is something still to be considered.  Also, as we add more and more devices to our homes and lives, taking reasonable safety measures is definitely warranted.  I'll let you know how my research goes!

Mantra looking ahead to November

I am STILL reading Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron. I emphasize 'still' because it is the book my Buddhist mom's group began reading this summer.  Around here, 3 kids in new schools, a running toddler, and a move to a new house slowed my pace for other things considerably.  So, I am STILL reading it.  And actually, that is explanation enough for why I am focusing on this as my mantra:

There are no interruptions

I say that as I exhale when it seems like my whole life is an interruption.  Parents of small kids know that feeling well.  But this applies to larger issues too - a job loss, a divorce, a sudden expensive repair to a home. When we think of everything as an interruption to our otherwise peaceful existence, we forget that ALL of life is our opportunity to practice, to learn, and to grow.  So that little knee jerk impulse to react with irritation when we are 'interrupted' in small and large ways, should be tempered.  As difficult as it can be to see, it is when we are challenged that we have the most intense opportunities to practice compassion, peace, balance, and love.

Nothing that happens is an interruption.  ALL of it is life.

Growing intuition

To me, the purpose of my life is to find my true calling and live it.  In order to do this, I must clear away all the things I think and carry that are not mine.  When each of us lives out our true calling, we are doing the job God put us here to do.  Living out that job will lead us to live in the flow of love. When we live in the flow of love, we experience happiness, we are closer to God, and we contribute peace to the world. (I am reminded of a recent mantra of mine that I got from a guided meditation: The only source of happiness is the flow of Love.)

The process of clearing away things that don't belong to us requires a well developed sense of intuition.  How can we know if something really matters to us if we don't trust in our own gut reactions?  And how can we discern intuition from fear without practice?  We cannot.  

So, one of my central jobs as a parent is to aid my kids in developing their own intuition.  We do many things as a family to aid in this process, and I have recently integrated a new tool in this effort.

I bought a deck of Oracle Cards at one of my favorite spots, EarthSpeak in Kimberton, PA. (You can also find them here.) Each Oracle Card has a beautiful picture and a message:

At dinner, I shuffle the cards and each child takes a turn picking.  When they choose a card, they read the message and show the picture.  They then tell us whether they think the message is for them or for one of their family members, and why.

This calls on each child to use their intuition about external information, and to decide if it is relevant to them.  It also gives the children a chance to reflect to their siblings what they think about their sibling's life and inner process.

For example, my oldest, S, drew a card that said "Wish Upon a Star - Make a wish and expect the very best." She said she thought the message was for her younger sister, N, as N often second guesses her own skills and creations.  N agreed and said, "I should practice expecting the best for myself." It was so moving to watch the two girls, aged 11 and 8, talk in such a caring and thoughtful way.  And N felt so validated when she heard her sister make such a insightful observation.

Do you agree that intuition is an important life skill? 

The Middle School Challenge; boots on the ground

I have no military experience, so it wasn't until I heard Obama talking recently that I first heard the phrase 'boots on the ground'. To quote the ever-brilliant Wikipedia, "The term is used to convey the belief that military success can only be achieved through the direct physical presence of troops in a conflict area." I don't usually use conflict terms to think about parenting, however this concept of boots on the ground really rung a bell for me. Nothing can replace 'direct physical presence' with kids, especially where there is a 'conflict area'.  In our house, our oldest is starting her first years of Middle School - conflict area anyone?

So, this has been my solution to-date.  Each week, I take the two middle kids to a sports class.  While they are in class, the oldest and I walk or jog the track. Sometimes we take turns pushing the little guy in the stroller.  She resists going with me each week. She has a headache, she is too tired, she's in a bad mood...EVERY excuse.  And each week I say, "Well we have to take these guys to class anyway." And each week, the minute we get on the track, she starts talking and doesn't stop until we are done.  Today she said, "I am worried I am talking too much!  You didn't get to talk!" I mean seriously, I'm in heaven.  She tells me all about the worries and challenges of her new middle school life.  Without this time together, I would NEVER get this kind of intel!  And, as I jog beside her listening, she has asked my advice a couple of times.  This can only be a good thing.

I have worked with many families professionally over my past 10 years as a college admissions consultant.  One thing I see in many families who need my help, is that the parents are disconnected from the core gifts a parent can give their kids.  I have said to many parents, "Your job as your student writes their college essays is to be present as a parent.  Make sure there are snacks, ink in the printer, and plenty of printer paper.  Be nearby to read drafts." Some parents seem taken aback by this advice.  They see themselves less as assistants, and more as CEOs of the process.  They want to MANAGE it. But from my point of view, parenting your child through normal change isn't about being a manager.  It is about being present, and showing care. 

For my daughter now, 'boots on the ground' is really sneakers on a track.  As she changes, I'm sure being present will take on a new form. But no matter what, being truly there will always be the most important thing I can do.

Being Joyful

I think the worst thing I could hear from my kids when they look back on my mothering is that they remember me as *joyless*. I want them to feel and know that I am grateful for their presence in my life, and for the freedom I have to raise them in health and safety.  The best way to share that with them is to let them see that I get joy from being here with them.

So maybe dishes lie and wait for me, laundry is knee deep, and my phone is vibrating with irritation. I'd rather do this: roll on the floor laughing with the baby, read to the 6 year old, wrestle the cranky 11 year old until she laughs, give the 8 year old a patient ear as she recounts an entire chapter of her book to me.  I won't brush them off as if they are at the bottom of my to-do list.  Rather I will decadently act as though I have nothing better to do than indulge in spending time with them.  And, when I think about what really matters the truth is there is nothing better to do than this.

Natural Habitat

I loved that magazine ‘Mothering’ and I’m sad it is no longer published as a printed magazine.  I loved looking back at articles, and passing copies along to friends. Anyway, natural Mama and Mothering Magazine Goddess Peggy O’Mara recently posted something on Facebook that I loved.  In essence, she pointed out that a baby’s natural habitat is his or her mother’s body.  I love that so much.  I have felt with each of my children that the first three months of life are really like another trimester in which they must be held and fed and cuddled by me as much as possible.  I never applied the words ‘natural habitat’ to that, and I love the connection that O’Mara made.

That idea has been percolating in my brain as I go about mothering my 4 children, not just the baby.  With him, it is clear that when he is out-of-sorts and disorganized, being held by me in a baby carrier as I sway to music, or go about my chores clearly brings him a deep sense of relief and relaxation.  I call it an ‘organizing’ activity.  It pulls him back together, and helps him be calm in his environment.  With the other children, finding organizing activities is more complex, and less obvious.  For my oldest, sometimes being busy is the best recipe for her to feel pulled back together.  Sometimes, she needs a long soak in my bathtub combined with my attention – sitting and talking, sharing my special bath salts. Each child needs help at times, and each child’s needs are different.

As adults, we are charged with doing these things for ourselves.  We each have to be aware of our own natural habitat, and how to create it.

What does it mean for us and the way we live? What happens when whole communities of people spend no time in their natural environments?  Do we feel unmanageable stress, anxiety, difficulty sleeping? It seems to me, that many of us are plagued with those afflictions. 

No more mommy-guilt, Part II

Forget about guilt as a part of mothering. It is totally at cross purposes with the job of mothering.  Send it off to hell with its evil brother, worry.  Let the ground open up and swallow them both, because there is no room for them here.

Here is the job as I see it (as I see it TODAY - I reserve the right to see it completely differently tomorrow):

1) Connect with Love, and find a way to share that love with your children.  Teach them what it feels like to be loved, and how to love.

2) Help them find out what it means to be them, and let them know that who they are is WONDERFUL - flaws and all.

3) Show them that failure is not the end, it is a necessary and healthy part of their journey.

4) Teach them to sit in silence sometimes, and to stretch their bodies sometimes.

5) Teach them that it is ok to let go of people who make them feel crappy about themselves.

6) Cherish them, and stop what you are doing to listen when they say, "It's important."

7) Hug them, kiss them, and snuggle them, even when they are no longer tiny sweet smelling cherubs.  Hug them, kiss them, and snuggle them, especially when they are surly, pimply and awkward.

8) Support their choices.  Find a way to say, "Yes."

9) And when you have to say no, really really mean it.  Show them that you are bigger than their fears, and you can handle their anger.  They are safe in your care.

NOTHING in this job is done better or with a clearer heart if you indulge your own fears that you, yourself, are not up to the task.  Reject the small voice inside you that suggests you might suck.  If you do not, your children will inherit it.  Enjoy mothering, don't let it drag you under. Find the joy.

I call BS on 'mommy-guilt', Part I

Here's the thing: if you work at a regular out-of-the-house job, some days you are going to sit at your desk and imagine another, better job.  Maybe you get a link from a friend with a job listing in your favorite city, or see a job listing that doesn't include some of your most hated tasks.  And you think, "Hey, why don't I work there?!" And then you go back to work.  And its not a big deal.

But when you are a full-time at-home mom, if you have a day where you think, "Hey, maybe I should have a different job, " it's as if you are saying, "Maybe I don't really love my family and children." It's kind of horrifying and shameful.  And I'm here to call bullshit.

First of all, moms who work outside the home love their kids and families.  So if you consider that you might want to do that, it doesn't mean you don't love yours.

Second of all, like anything else, some days are better than others.  I mean believe me I have moments (cleaning up a dead bat while my husband is away after a night up with a crying baby and an explosive poopy diaper, a clogged toilet, and a 7:30 AM drop off time for 3 kids comes to mind) where I think, "Huh.  Is THIS why I went to graduate school?  Good thing I bothered with that Ivy League degree." And then I go back to disinfecting the floor so the baby doesn't happen across a dead bat body part and put it in his mouth.

Third of all, the key to personal freedom is being with what is.  So if today is a day where you feel unsettled, let it be.  It will probably pass, or it may galvanize some change.  Maybe it will inspire you to do something new and different, who knows.  The point is, it is what is happening today.  And whatever you choose to do with it, you will do.  There is no need to burden any of it with this disgusting thing people call mommy-guilt.

I find it pretty annoying that someone even came up with that moniker.  Guilt in general is unproductive and toxic and when you tie anything to being a mom, there is something very laden and sexist about it.  Leave your guilt out of my mothering, ok people?

Well, thats my shout out, at-home sisters.  Love your job or don't, but don't beat yourself up about it either way.  And remember, as my very wise husband says: they can't all be winners.  Some days are crappier than others.  And some days are truly blissful.  Enjoy them both for what they are.

My Mantra

About a year ago, I started coming up with a mantra for each week.  It would be a simple thought and I would keep it at the front of my mind throughout the week.  It would help keep me focused on my practice of mindfulness.  Here is a sample of some of the things I used:

Only kindness matters
Love is everything
Be here now
Shoulders back, deep breath

Then about a month ago I was listening to a guided meditation and a line from it stuck in my head:

The only source of happiness is the flow of love.

It has become my mantra week after week. It connects with so much of what I believe about the Universe, and about my job here. Try saying it to yourself when you feel angry, or frustrated, or unfulfilled.  Choose happiness in those moments by connecting with the flow of love, instead of choosing unhappiness by analyzing and validating your own emotions. Step outside of the hamster wheel of the human brain, and open yourself up to the Universal flow of positive energy.  It is there.

Can't Make You Happy Part II

“When a parent allows a child to experience a full emotional range, the child can develop normally without suppressing the unpleasant and without shutting down emotionally.” (Sarah Napthali, Buddhism for Mothers, pg. 93)

It is a persistent theme when talking to other mothers that they expect themselves to make their children happy.  Where did this idea come from?  Where did mothers get the idea that their own skill as a mother is reflected in and dependent on the level to which they perceive their child as happy?

Children will not always be happy.  No human being is always happy.  In fact, assuming their life goes well, there will be times of great sadness.  They will be heartbroken, their pet will die, they will someday mourn our own death.  That is the nature of a full and complete human life.  It is not my job to prevent these things from taking place.  In fact, even attempting to limit their experience of these healthy things in life would be a perversion of my role and would set us both (me and my child) up for some pretty strange dynamics.

Rather, it is my job to teach them skills for managing life – its joys and its sorrows.  It is more important to ask myself as a mother “what am I teaching my children about how to engage with all of life’s emotions?” than to ask “are my children happy?”

The upside to this is that when I stay centered on my job, a lot of fear and worry can be released.  When I identify my true role, and sit firmly in the center of it, I am focusing on areas over which I actually have influence.  I spend much less time fretting over things over which I have no control.  Amazingly, when I do the job I am meant to do, I feel a greater sense of peace and purpose.

Simple Sunday Evening Thought

When I'm quiet and still, sometimes a line of a poem or a bit of a song will float into my mind and stick there.  Though I'm not especially fond of the song, the line from that Jewel song pops up a lot: only kindness matters.  What if that is true, and the only thing that matters is how kind we are to one another, and to ourselves.

Children are so lovely.  They have an innate sense of fairness and truth.  I came across this lovely note from one of my daughters.  Love IS everything, and kindness does matter.  These are my mantras for this week.

I can't change you - but I can make you insecure.

When you decide to have a baby, you have to think about that great nursery school line (my kids were taught it in nursery school, anyway): You get what you get and you don't get upset.  You are going to get the baby that the Universe intended for you, whether it matches with your expectations or not.  And, you can enjoy whatever comes, or you can resist it.  When you resist it, the clash between your expectations and what IS, gets played out on the self-confidence of your child.  You cannot change who your child is, but you can contribute negatively or positively to their self-esteem.

When you review your relationship with your child, look for times when you are resistant to who they are.  What is happening in those scenarios, and how can you improve upon them?  For me, when I don't take care of myself well, I am less able to exhibit appreciation for the things about my children that are challenging for me.  For example, one of my children find calm and peace by humming and wiggling.  Humming and wiggling drives me crazy when I am tired, hungry, overstimulated etc.  When I snap at her for doing those things, I am basically saying that who she IS is annoying to me.  Not a good parenting message.  Therefore, I have a responsibility to her to do what I can to be in a state of mind where I can be patient and appreciate that she has ways to calm herself, or get herself to focus.

Of course, this is a practice and I am not perfect at it.  I can't count the number of times I have failed.  But like all things, the more I practice the easier it gets.

Underlying this practice are my core beliefs about life, and why we each are here.  I believe that it is our job to learn what it means to be 'me', and then to find the inner voice that leads us to our true purpose.  In this context, when I make my child feel criticized, I'm putting a road block into the process by which they will come to know and accept themselves.  If we cannot know and accept ourselves, we cannot hear our own inner guide that helps us find our place.

That doesn't mean they will always be happy with everything I say and do.  In fact, if I do my job well, sometimes I will make them very mad. But I will never make them feel like who they are is not good enough. It is my goal to be a positive force in my children's lives.  When they are with me, I want them to feel loved and valued.

I keep this in mind:  I cannot mold or change my children. If I indulge my own weaknesses, I can make them feel bad about themselves.

This works beautifully as a 'positive prayer':
I pray that when they are with me, my children will feel valued and loved.  They will feel my happiness to be with them, and the joy I feel in being their mother.  They will know that I feel that we are a 'good-fit' and that I have gifts to offer them.  They will also know that I learn from them, and value their gifts.

More on Marriage - sex myths?

Here's the thing: when I grow up I want to be a sex therapist.  I wrote my college thesis about the Puritan roots of our culture; in my mind, Americans are very uptight about sex.  So I recently saw this little 'article' and loved it:

http://healthyliving.msn.com/health-wellness/men/sex/six-myths-about-healthy-sex

It amazed me that these are all 'myths' about sex!  Do people generally believe that everyone is living in a porn movie/harlequin romance novel?  Sex is no different from anything else in a marriage.  It is like a conversation, a party, an afternoon: sometimes it is easy and fun, and sometimes its more work.  And, like everything else in a relationship, if you don't put the time in its not as good.  But also like all things in marriage if you approach it with love, honesty, a sense of humor, and a genuine desire to make your partner happy, it is better than anything else.

I've heard women say that they are generally just too tired to invest in their sex life.  I have 4 children, a job, a giant family, a baby who gets up twice a night...believe me, I understand about tired. But there is nothing more tiring than a marriage that isn't working.  Truly, that must be the most exhausting thing of all.

I remember talking once to a group of moms.  We were all in our early 30's (at the time) and the other gals were saying that they rarely had sex.  All they wanted at the end of each day was 'me' time.  I was so confused!  Why, for heavens sake, is sex not considered 'me' time?  They explained that their husbands didn't really know what they wanted, foreplay was lacking etc.  So I made them a bet.  I suggested that they each go home and, after the kids were asleep, approached their husbands and ask them for exactly what they wanted in bed. I bet them that their husbands would be truly delighted to comply.

It was not long after that my husband and I were at a cocktail party and a couple of husbands approached me and thanked me!  I'm not joking.  My husband was laughing, wondering what the heck I had been telling these wives!

So my 2 cents today is to invest with love and an open-heart in your sex life.  Don't use fatigue as an excuse.  Ask honestly for what you want.  Enjoy!

Practice in Marriage - 'They can't all be winners!"

Writing takes discipline.  Sometimes I have nothing to write, nothing to say.  But like anything worth doing, doing it well takes practice, lots and lots of practice.  In our culture, we don’t allow for a lot of practice, and mistake making, when it comes to the core areas of our lives.  For example, when two people get married, the expectation is that they will be happy together.  Or maybe we expect that they won’t be successful.  But there is not a language for what will really happen.  Which is that they will practice being married to one another every day.  Some days, they will do it very poorly, and other days they will do it better.  But will they say, when they hurt one another’s feelings, “I’m sorry.  I do my best to be a great partner to you, but sometimes I fail.  I’m practicing and making improvements.” Probably, they won’t.  They will be defensive, and blame one another.  That does not create an environment that inspires growth and improvement.

My husband is brilliant.  One example of his amazingness: once when we were talking about dinner, and I was saying I wanted take-out, he was explaining that we needed to dig in the cupboard because we had a lot of plans coming up, and needed to set aside some extra cash.  Obviously, this was not what I wanted to hear.  So I said, “I hate this conversation.” And he said matter-of-factly, “Well, they can’t all be winners.”

They can’t all be winners.  Marital brilliance!  This is true of days, conversations, interactions, birthday gifts, sexual encounters, weekends…the list goes on and on!  What I love about it is that is presupposed that in a functional system there will always be some amount of failure.  That is normal, to be expected, not worth overreacting to.

We know that if we want to learn to play basketball, we will spend some portion of the time standing beneath that basket, throwing the ball towards it, and missing.  Some days, we will make more of the shots than we miss. Some days we will miss more than we make. (On those days we might be a little grumpy and might even consider quitting) But hopefully, slowly, the good days will outnumber the trying days.  And then amazingly, one day, we will have a perfect day and make every shot. 

Next time your spouse makes you very very angry, remember that it is a really crappy day of practice for your spouse.  Making you angry is their failure, their row of missed shots.  And maybe, instead of explaining to them why you are RIGHT to be so angry, instead cut them some slack, and remind them that practice is hard.  Maybe that kindness will help you both hit that golden day with no missed shots.

BUSY at dinnertime/homework time

Homework Helper

It is busy during homework time.  I’m trying to cook dinner, the baby needs to be fed, and three children are all at the table, shouting out homework questions at me.  Seriously, it feels like I’m juggling flaming batons and someone is giving me a pop-quiz on everything I learned in 5^th grade.  It is VERY hard for me to remain calm, constructive, and in the moment.  My brain just feels like it is going to pop!  (I’m sure I’ve even said that aloud a time or two.  Ok, a million times. Like every night.)

So I’m trying a new system to keep the demands on me during that time of day more reasonable, and to keep the pace of everything more manageable: 

1)   First of all, my husband and I are cooking more on Sundays – doing the lion’s-share of the prep-work so I only have reheating to do each night.

2)   Secondly, I bought three stones with words engraved on them.  One says ‘happiness’, one says ‘courage’, and one says ‘peace’.  I put them on a small wooden tray in the middle of the table while I prepare dinner.  If someone needs help with homework, they are not allowed to shout out their question.  They take a stone and say, “Homework Helper!” Then they wait until I come to the table.  While they wait, they hold the stone and think of a time during that day or week when they experienced the word on the rock.  When I come help, I put the stone back on the tray and they have the opportunity to tell me about their thoughts.  Then I help them with their homework question.  It SLOOOOWWWED the pace WAY down in the kitchen, and made us all a little quieter, and a little more reflective.

I hope this system continues to be useful.  Some ideas are great, and some ideas are unsustainable.  I really hope this one works long-term, as I would love to remain calm during that very busy time of day.