Can't Make You Happy Part II

“When a parent allows a child to experience a full emotional range, the child can develop normally without suppressing the unpleasant and without shutting down emotionally.” (Sarah Napthali, Buddhism for Mothers, pg. 93)

It is a persistent theme when talking to other mothers that they expect themselves to make their children happy.  Where did this idea come from?  Where did mothers get the idea that their own skill as a mother is reflected in and dependent on the level to which they perceive their child as happy?

Children will not always be happy.  No human being is always happy.  In fact, assuming their life goes well, there will be times of great sadness.  They will be heartbroken, their pet will die, they will someday mourn our own death.  That is the nature of a full and complete human life.  It is not my job to prevent these things from taking place.  In fact, even attempting to limit their experience of these healthy things in life would be a perversion of my role and would set us both (me and my child) up for some pretty strange dynamics.

Rather, it is my job to teach them skills for managing life – its joys and its sorrows.  It is more important to ask myself as a mother “what am I teaching my children about how to engage with all of life’s emotions?” than to ask “are my children happy?”

The upside to this is that when I stay centered on my job, a lot of fear and worry can be released.  When I identify my true role, and sit firmly in the center of it, I am focusing on areas over which I actually have influence.  I spend much less time fretting over things over which I have no control.  Amazingly, when I do the job I am meant to do, I feel a greater sense of peace and purpose.