When a child has trouble

When times are hardest with a child, I meditate on what I know to be true about the Universe.  Here it is:

God put you and your child together for a reason.  You are not to BLAME for your child's journey.  You did not cause everything negative in their life.  Don't get between your child and their path.  Rather, know that the Universe did not make a mistake; you have something unique to offer your child as they make their way.  Be quiet and listen. You will figure out what your unique gift to your child is in this difficult time.

You are not the central character in your child's life.  As your child grows, you will take a smaller and smaller role in their life.  You have a supporting role in their story - decide what that role will be and work towards it.  Will you be the judgement they had to overcome in order to find themselves?  Will you be the teacher who helped them develop skills they needed?  Will you be the warm, calm place they always knew they could go?

Visualize how you want them to feel when they think about you, and bring that energy forward as you parent, especially when they are having the most trouble.

Uncomfortable Emotions

Tonight at the dinner table we talked about what we do when we feel an emotion we don't like, or aren't proud of.  I liked hearing each child's interpretation of what an uncomfortable emotion might be.  The general theme with the group was jealousy - like when a friend has a toy you want, or your sibling gets something from Santa you were wishing for (Oy!  Didn't know I had made that error!)

My 6 year old boy says when he feels an emotion he isn't proud of, he slaps himself in the face and says, "Snap out of it!" My 8 year old daughter suggested that the best thing to do is just spend more time thinking about the emotion you DO want to feel.  So if your friend has an Xbox and you want one, just think about how happy you are for your friend, and how nice it will be to play with it when you go to her house.  My 11 year old said when she feels those emotions, she just pushes them aside and cries. No solution was perfect, but the conversation was compelling.

I offered them a Buddhist idea: rather than blaming yourself for having a 'bad' emotion, you could see the emotion as a crying baby, and imagine your heart is filled with love for that baby.  Bringing love to the emotion could soothe it. Being angry that you are imperfect doesn't solve the problem, and in fact makes it harder to handle.

The three children looked at their baby brother (no longer a baby at 22 months), and had a shared 'awww' imagining George crying. Then the subject changed, as it does with children.  I let it go, hopeful that these conversations give them something to go back to when they navigate their complex emotional lives.

xo

I'm not here by accident or luck

When I was deciding whether or not to have my fourth child, a friend with no children said, "You just want to have another baby so you don't have to go back to work."  At the time, I was a stay-at-home mom with a 8 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old.  I also had a successful part-time business as a college admissions counselor.  I was stunned by her interpretation of my life as somehow being constructed around avoiding 'work'.  As someone who has decided not to have children, her statement made it clear to me that she truly could not understand the value I place on my children.  The idea that I would have a child to avoid full-time work in an office not only completely misunderstands how much work it is to have a baby, it is also judgmental and belittling of my values. 

I like this post by Matt Walsh (though I don't usually agree with him). One of the things I like most about his post is that he says the unmentionable; he asserts that it is better for children to spend more time with their mothers.  This is the unspeakable opinion, and this is the heart of what makes talking about this issue so challenging. My choice to stay home full time with my kids is based on my belief that this is better for my children than the money I could make working.  It is more important to me to do this, than it is to capitalize on my Ivy League graduate degree. THAT is how much I value being at home with my kids.  I'm not avoiding anything, and I'm not here by happenstance.  I have evaluated all the information I can gather, using both instincts and research, and I have decided that this is the best thing to do with my time.  

This seems to be totally unbelievable to someone without children, and to many moms who work outside their homes. I didn't stay at home with my kids because I'm lucky, or because we could afford it.  I've heard this from people who have WAY more than double our income. Without going into too many personal details, for many years we really could NOT afford it.  The sacrifices we have made are neither accidental nor lucky.  In fact, sometimes those sacrifices were painful and stressful.  However, every time a job offer came my way - sometimes offering a salary that matched my husband's - he and I would again choose to live on half the salary we could earn so that I could continue to be here with my children.  THIS is what we VALUE. To us, this is the most valuable and expensive thing we will ever do - give up a very comfortable life in order to have a stay-at-home parent. 

I understand that other families will make a different choice, and that each family has its own set of challenges. I promise I will not belittle those families by assuming that they are choosing nicer cars over time with their kids.  I will assume that they have made an assessment about what works best for their family.  All I ask is a similar respect.  Don't assume I'm here my accident, trust-fund, laziness, or luck.  Know that this IS my job, and it is a job I value highly.