So, when I do any of these things to my kids, I apologize. In The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery (don't tell me the end, I haven't finished it), one of the protagonists, a young teenage girl has 'figured out' the essential meaninglessness of life and has therefore decided to commit suicide, says:
The problem is that children believe what adults say and, once they're adults themselves, they exact their revenge by deceiving their own children. 'Life has meaning and we grown-ups know what it is' is the universal lie that everyone is supposed to believe. Once you become an adult and you realize that's not true, it's too late. The mystery remains intact, but all your available energy has long been wasted on stupid things. All that's left is to anesthetize yourself by trying to hide the fact that you can't find any meaning in your life, and then, the better to convince yourself, you deceive your own children. (p. 22)
Though I am not sure this point of view necessarily leads to death, I do think the conflict is between the God-hood of the parents and the growing realization in the child that she has subverted her own SELF (more on that later) for people who are fallible and maybe even liars.
So, maybe, by acknowledging that I do, in fact, sometimes suck, I might enable my kids to, on occasion, substitute their judgement for mine. They might over-ride me. Then maybe later when they see that I am wholly NOT God-like, they won't be so mad, or so disillusioned.
Also, it leads me to believe that there is a deep (moral) obligation to develop awareness of my own self-deceptions to alleviate my need to deceive my children. The job of coming closer to living in reality is a moral one, and one that I owe to my children. I have to believe that the work I do will propel them into a more intimate relationship with reality (a less deceived existence?), and might even enable them to have easier access to the Universal.
Thoughts?
First - I thought that was a wonderful book. Surprising, touching and charming all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteSecond - I would agree that it's really important to highlight your mistakes and apologize for bad parenting (as I have had to do) not only so my children don't think I'm perfect, but also in hopes that they don't repeat my bad behavior. I think it's so important for them to see healthy relationships and interactions, and want to kick myself when I do crappy things - act impatient, yell, etc. I know I can't be perfect, but there are definitely traits that I have which I am trying hard not to pass along...
One other thing - I was just thinking the other day how (maybe unfortunately) we learn so much more from our mistakes than by stumbling into the right situation/person/opportunity. In a way, maybe that carries over into what you're saying about having an intimate relationship with reality. Maybe making those mistakes and acting like a jerk is more helpful to children in the long run, especially if you acknowledge it, as opposed to being perfect all the time. (As if that were an option!)
ReplyDeleteLaura, it is so great to hear your thoughts, especially since we haven't hung out together as 'moms'. I wonder if children learn from our mistakes, per se, or if they learn from us how to handle their own.
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