Jesus

The title of this post is not a exclamation - I'm actually talking about Jesus.  I wanna share three great fortunes I have had on this subject.  The first is that I have always been moved by penitence.  Seeing people accept that there is a greater force in the Universe that themselves has always moved me deeply.  The second great fortune I had on this topic was The Church of the Redeemer Youth Group in 1991 and 1992.  There I was taught by the ever-patient Bob Brooks and Marc Andrus in my first Bible study.  Gosh maybe I should have said 4 great fortunes - I also majored in Religion at Vassar College (with no small thanks to Marc Epstein who is my friend on Facebook and might actually read this!).  My next item was going to be the past three years of working with Nathan Rein and studying various texts with the members of our Friends Reading Group at Schuylkill Monthly Meeting.

All this is to say, I have spend a lot of my life studying the Bible and trying to access what, if any, TRUTH might lie there.  This Christmas, thanks to a lot of wonderful people, I have a heartfelt understanding of the legacy of Jesus.

For me, Jesus was an outsider, a revolutionary, and a man destined for death in a gruesome and public way at the hands of the government.  Steve Biko's birthday was this week.  He is an exemplar of a modern man who also was an outsider in his country, a revolutionary, and died in a gruesome way at the hands of his government (none of whom were ever punished, though he was beaten to death in police custody.)

When I listen to a song like this, I am moved to tears.  For me this is a song deifying someone who dared to challenge the status quo, and who was willing to die for what he believed in.  He was a radical spiritualist who spent a lot of time alone in prayer or meditation.  He befriended the least liked people in society.  That gives me hope.

I watched Michelle Obama this evening being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey at the White House.  First of all, seeing two African American women talking about the legacy of the first African American President was so moving.  As Michelle talked about hope, I felt a renewal of it.  If a black man can lead this racist country, one crazy white man cannot bring us down.

And, if a baby born to unwed parents in a barn can inspire people centuries later, then resistance to what we know is wrong is never futile.

I have to say that again in case you are skimming this:

RESISTANCE TO WHAT WE KNOW IS WRONG IS NEVER FUTILE.

So, take a listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and when they reach their crescendo, imagine all the people you fear and hate falling on their knees acknowledging a greater Truth.  Know that penitence to the Divine is a shared human experience. Sometimes it just takes awhile. And please, know that we will be ok.  Maybe not as individuals - so many have suffered so much - but as a human race.  History favors justice.

Authenticity is the spice of life

There is a joke quote in my family - "Consistency is the spice of life." They are quoting me.  As an anxious Virgo, I said that once in all seriousness.  And I really believe it!  Consistency is rare and adds something to life that is otherwise changeable and unpredictable.  But I have a new twist on that oft-mocked quote: Authenticity is the spice of life.

This new twist comes out of something that has been happening to me in the last year or two (full-disclosure, I am 41 1/2 so it may be a 40's thing). I am weary of all before and afters, I don't want to see any more make-overs, and I don't want tips like this one I just read in a woman's magazine about how to organize your mudroom: "Children should each have a labelled basket for each sport easily accessible." I wish I could generate in writing the tone of my reaction to that.  It goes something like this: Oh SHOULD they?! Because A. my children SHOULD be doing multiple sports, B. my children SHOULD have their lives managed for them C. I SHOULD have a mud-room big enough for this nonsense D. I SHOULD feel inadequate with a bunch of hangers and a few messy baskets....you get my point.  The truth is, I DO have a mud-room with a cubby for each kid and it makes it easier for me to put that crap away.  But the idea that anyone would take that stupid advice and feel bad about their parenting or their home makes me cringe.

So I say forget parenting advice, forget home improvement before and afters, forget 'change your life in 30 days' and remember this: being you is your first and only job. Helping your kids learn about being them is your next job (assuming you have kids - if you don't then YOU know what your second job is! I can't tell you that because I'm not here to give you or anyone advice!)  Relax into it.  Or don't.  In fact, if stressing out about it all makes you feel more authentic, them by all means, indulge.  Just do your own damn thing.

And, if you want to see someone doing their own damn thing for all the world to see, watch this Bernie Sanders video and cry your eyes out like I did when I watched it.

https://youtu.be/RU3NKvvxcSs

Anyone who can be that authentic for his whole damn life gets my vote.

Mourning

"Nothing matters.  I do not want to be distracted from my grief. I wouldn't mind dying. I wouldn't mind it at all.  I wake from sleep in the middle of every night and say to myself, 'My mother is dead.'"

A little less than a year ago, my mother in law, Esty, passed away.  She was surrounded by family and in her own bed.  We have done a lot this year to honor her passing. But I feel incomplete.  Nothing can really help with the truth of loss of someone I love.  One of the things I miss the most is our honest relationship.  Truly honest relationships are rare in life, and she and I had that great treasure.

We acknowledged the complexities of our relationship with good humor.  Being a mother in law isn't easy, and neither is being a daughter in law.  We definitely had our hard times.  But we shared a fundamental belief that our role in our shared family was more important than any individual disagreement.  I wanted, and still want, our kids to be close to her. And to know her gifts.  In fact, as she was dying, I held her hand and told her everything I promised to share with my kids that she had taught to me.  Because, in truth, though I am good at honesty, I am not always good at laughing off the hard times and letting go of hurt.  Esty taught me that.  She had both a solidity and a lightness about her.  She was deeply committed to family, education, and a great life.  Maybe that was the root of our connection; we defined a great life similarly.  A long marriage, stable finances, great unending pursuit of education, and family - those are the hallmarks of a life well-lived.  She also loved my husband unconditionally.  Though we joked about her use of the word 'perfect', I know she believed that he is perfect in God's eyes.  And now when I look at him I remember that mother's love that he no longer has in his life.  And I feel a responsibility to that.  The last thing I told her was that Chris would always be the most important person in my life.  She squeezed my hand and said,'I know.'

I will never stop missing her. Without my weeks with her in the summer, I am not sure how I will remember to ask myself all the probing questions about life and my understanding of it.  I would like to think that I will be able to do some of the things she did so well.  I aspire to give my kids the same sense of certainty that they are the center of my life, and that they are loved and accepted as they are.  I will also borrow her catchphrase as they get older: Everyone is entitled to my opinion!  And, as she did, I hope I will have the wisdom to be gracious and stable even when a fight or family problem seems unsolvable. I also hope to be as generous as she was as a mother in law; she always ALWAYS made sure to tell me what a great mother I am.  She made me believe that she was happy and grateful that I was raising her beloved grandchildren.  What a gift.

There isn't anything I didn't say to her, there is no unresolved argument.  I believe we knew and saw one another honestly.  And I know for sure that she is getting ready for her next journey.  But I will miss her for the rest of my life.

Recently I hear a sermon on the radio.  The pastor was saying, "Don't live as if it is your last day, live as if it is the last day of everyone you love." Amen to that.  Look around and know that everyone you know and love will die.  There is no shame in that - it is part of human life.  Just make sure you honor that, and don't waste time being angry or holding a grudge.

Esty, I miss you, I love you, and I will make sure my kids remember all you left us with your lovely truthful existence.

Be with it, whatever it is.

Summertime in England, Van Morrison

"It ain't why, it just is."

There is always so much to accept in life.  Accept who you are, your gifts and skills, your limitations, the skills and limitations of your partner. Accept the children you have (or don't have). Accept your body, your face, your family of origin, your birthrights (or lack of birthrights). Accept your shallowness, your complexities, your courage and your fearfulness.

To be clear, acceptance and 'settling' are in no way synonymous in my mind.  It is rather an acknowledgment that what is, is.  In this moment, this is the truth.   Don't fear honesty with yourself of with anyone else.  Honesty and authenticity are the most important tools you have towards your true path. Being honest about whatever is true in your life is the challenge and root of a meaningful life. Neither gratitude nor purposeful change can come from any other place.  Spend all your energy getting *with* whatever is true in your life.  Spend zero energy resisting it. Let it all wash over your. KNOW it, feel it, accept it. Trust that when you look at all you see with honesty and clarity, you will have the strength, courage, compassion and wisdom to feel gratitude, and to change things that need changing.

I hope this moment, right now, today, is a moment in which you can breathe, be truthful, accept what is, and maybe rock out to some amazingly brilliant Van Morrison.

Mother's Day 2 cents

On Mother's Day, there was a post on my Facebook feed whose title was something about 'nature's best mother'.  The article described a spider who literally feeds her body to her developing babies. This, the article suggested, was an example of excellent mothering.

I take total exception to this idea.  Throwing yourself on the pyre of your family is NOT the definition of a good mother in my mind.   In fact, setting all of yourself aside takes something important away from your family: you!  You have to be a complete and whole person in order to authentically engage with the process of loving your partner, and parenting your children. 

Being a good mother involves a more subtle process than just denying your own life and needs. Instead, the goal of a good mother is becoming whole and complete within herself, in order that she can guide her children to do the same.  Being a good mother doesn't means setting aside your needs, rather it means setting aside all your issues. When you set aside the baggage you carry from your own childhood/life experiences, you are able to see the child in front of you more clearly.  The foggy lens of your own fears and desires is cleaned.  You are then able to be truly present to the child you have been entrusted with by the Universe.

Being a good mother doesn't mean setting aside your needs. It means setting aside your issues and parenting the child you have instead of trying to parent the child you were. 

Create what you wish to see

This has come up a lot lately so I thought I would try to get it down on 'paper'. When you feel like you are injured in some way, or hurt by another person, I have a suggestion.  Instead of trying to retaliate and make them feel as you feel, or carrying anger which corrodes all, try to create what you wish for.

If your husband is ignoring your needs, instead of ignoring his, become what you wish he would be.  Open your heart, ask about his day, look in his eyes.  By your kindness, inspire calm connection and trust that you will get what you need.

Create the energy you want to see.

This is one way to be the change you wish to see in the world.

Meditation for today:
Today I will create the energy I wish to see all around me. Today I will change my world.

Marriage and the Divine

I spend a lot of time thinking about marriage.  For me, marriage is one of the ways I am able to connect with the Divine.  No, I don't mean that my husband is my God (though he is extremely awesome). I mean that, like prayer or standing at the Grand Canyon, being in the presence of the love that can grow in marriage is humbling, and gives me a glimmer of the Universal love that is God.

So, when I hear about wives and husbands missing the opportunity to feel each other's love, I feel very sad.  Connecting with love is the greatest joy in life!  Have you ever shrugged your husband off when he approaches you with intimacy?  Have you ever rolled your eyes when your wife wants to talk something through with you (do I even have ONE male reader??)? That is equivalent to saying to God, "talk to the hand!" 

I heard a great thing on the radio the other day.  I was listening to a lecture by a minister and he said, "God's favorite mouthpiece is your spouse, so listen carefully when they talk."

My commitment in my marriage is to keep the pathway for love wide-open.  Receive love with gratitude, give love with passion.

The abundance

Lately, I've been told more than usual that I'm crazy.  What inspires this comment is that I seem to take on a lot of 'trouble', or 'work' in the form of a rescued dog, a foster dog, 2 cats, and now 2 newborn foster kittens.

I don't think this is crazy at all.  To me, the most fun part of my job is sharing with my children the things I loved in my own childhood.  Growing up, I LITERALLY had a pony.  I rode her every day. At the barn, there was one kitten that I loved dearly. One day, my mom said I could take him home.  He was my first true love.  Another time, we were at a party and my mom heard that the host had unwanted kittens.  They planned to put them in a sack and throw them in a river.  My  mom immediately said, "Girls, go pick a kitten." (Other guests did as well - don't worry this wasn't Sophie's Choice). Later, that adopted cat gave birth to her own litter in our back stairwell as I watched.  I remember everything about that experience.

The sense I had as a child was that there was more than enough care-taking to go around.  My mom had plenty for us, and for all these animals that became part of our lives.  I learned that a pregnant cat is a treasure to be watched in wonder, not a nuisance. I learned that mucking a stall is what you do for a sentient creature you love, not a disgusting chore.  What would be disgusting would be letting your sweet pony live in a dirty stall. The wellspring of energy that is generated to care for others is endless if you feel love. In fact, the essence of loving another is meeting their real needs.

What I hope my kids learn is that making choices is not always about assessing how much work something will be.  Sometimes it is just about opening your heart and welcoming what comes, and trusting that you will be capable of meeting the needs that arise.

My mantra this week is less philosophical.  It is my own much needed reminder: eventually, they will ALL be housebroken!  ;)

When a child has trouble

When times are hardest with a child, I meditate on what I know to be true about the Universe.  Here it is:

God put you and your child together for a reason.  You are not to BLAME for your child's journey.  You did not cause everything negative in their life.  Don't get between your child and their path.  Rather, know that the Universe did not make a mistake; you have something unique to offer your child as they make their way.  Be quiet and listen. You will figure out what your unique gift to your child is in this difficult time.

You are not the central character in your child's life.  As your child grows, you will take a smaller and smaller role in their life.  You have a supporting role in their story - decide what that role will be and work towards it.  Will you be the judgement they had to overcome in order to find themselves?  Will you be the teacher who helped them develop skills they needed?  Will you be the warm, calm place they always knew they could go?

Visualize how you want them to feel when they think about you, and bring that energy forward as you parent, especially when they are having the most trouble.

Uncomfortable Emotions

Tonight at the dinner table we talked about what we do when we feel an emotion we don't like, or aren't proud of.  I liked hearing each child's interpretation of what an uncomfortable emotion might be.  The general theme with the group was jealousy - like when a friend has a toy you want, or your sibling gets something from Santa you were wishing for (Oy!  Didn't know I had made that error!)

My 6 year old boy says when he feels an emotion he isn't proud of, he slaps himself in the face and says, "Snap out of it!" My 8 year old daughter suggested that the best thing to do is just spend more time thinking about the emotion you DO want to feel.  So if your friend has an Xbox and you want one, just think about how happy you are for your friend, and how nice it will be to play with it when you go to her house.  My 11 year old said when she feels those emotions, she just pushes them aside and cries. No solution was perfect, but the conversation was compelling.

I offered them a Buddhist idea: rather than blaming yourself for having a 'bad' emotion, you could see the emotion as a crying baby, and imagine your heart is filled with love for that baby.  Bringing love to the emotion could soothe it. Being angry that you are imperfect doesn't solve the problem, and in fact makes it harder to handle.

The three children looked at their baby brother (no longer a baby at 22 months), and had a shared 'awww' imagining George crying. Then the subject changed, as it does with children.  I let it go, hopeful that these conversations give them something to go back to when they navigate their complex emotional lives.

xo

I'm not here by accident or luck

When I was deciding whether or not to have my fourth child, a friend with no children said, "You just want to have another baby so you don't have to go back to work."  At the time, I was a stay-at-home mom with a 8 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old.  I also had a successful part-time business as a college admissions counselor.  I was stunned by her interpretation of my life as somehow being constructed around avoiding 'work'.  As someone who has decided not to have children, her statement made it clear to me that she truly could not understand the value I place on my children.  The idea that I would have a child to avoid full-time work in an office not only completely misunderstands how much work it is to have a baby, it is also judgmental and belittling of my values. 

I like this post by Matt Walsh (though I don't usually agree with him). One of the things I like most about his post is that he says the unmentionable; he asserts that it is better for children to spend more time with their mothers.  This is the unspeakable opinion, and this is the heart of what makes talking about this issue so challenging. My choice to stay home full time with my kids is based on my belief that this is better for my children than the money I could make working.  It is more important to me to do this, than it is to capitalize on my Ivy League graduate degree. THAT is how much I value being at home with my kids.  I'm not avoiding anything, and I'm not here by happenstance.  I have evaluated all the information I can gather, using both instincts and research, and I have decided that this is the best thing to do with my time.  

This seems to be totally unbelievable to someone without children, and to many moms who work outside their homes. I didn't stay at home with my kids because I'm lucky, or because we could afford it.  I've heard this from people who have WAY more than double our income. Without going into too many personal details, for many years we really could NOT afford it.  The sacrifices we have made are neither accidental nor lucky.  In fact, sometimes those sacrifices were painful and stressful.  However, every time a job offer came my way - sometimes offering a salary that matched my husband's - he and I would again choose to live on half the salary we could earn so that I could continue to be here with my children.  THIS is what we VALUE. To us, this is the most valuable and expensive thing we will ever do - give up a very comfortable life in order to have a stay-at-home parent. 

I understand that other families will make a different choice, and that each family has its own set of challenges. I promise I will not belittle those families by assuming that they are choosing nicer cars over time with their kids.  I will assume that they have made an assessment about what works best for their family.  All I ask is a similar respect.  Don't assume I'm here my accident, trust-fund, laziness, or luck.  Know that this IS my job, and it is a job I value highly.

Six is a real challenge!

This is my 3rd 6-year-old, and lemme tell you, it is a tough age for me!  I don't know what the deal is, but I find 6 endearing, sweet, intelligent and INFURIATING!  So it gives me a daily opportunity to practice managing anger and frustration.  It also challenges my mothering creativity.  I want this 6-year-old to feel that he is cherished, loved, and valued.  No one feels that way when they also feel they are infuriating!  So each day I practice, practice, practice.  I also take time each morning to set my intention with him:

Today I will show this child that he brings me joy, that he is loved, and that his energy is enjoyed by his family.  Today I will hug and snuggle him and show him how glad I am that he is here with me.  Today I will observe my anger and impatience, and will pause rather than let them control me.  I am bigger than my worst reactions and with love, I will observe them, and let them go.

I also suspended our usual point system for this child.  It wasn't really giving him any help. Instead I gave him a simpler system.  He gets a strike when he resists our normal routine (refusing to come to the table, refusing to clear his plate, refusing to put on his coat, refusing to come upstairs for bed, screaming and running around during dinner etc.)  Any good behavior results in a loss of a strike.  His goal is to go to bed with no strikes, and to leave for school with no strikes.  3 strikes and he gets a time out.

So far, he has found this to be very engaging and exciting.  He loves seeing me mark down the 'strike free' successes!  He is also awaiting what the 'prize' will be for all the positive marks.

How do you handle it when one child is suddenly very challenging?  Is there an age that you consistently find difficult?

Energy

I've been coming into the realization that one of the biggest jobs/challenges of managing a busy household is taking responsibility for the energy in which we all live.  I have switched from being energetically reactive, to be energetically creative and responsible.  As I have transitioned into this new role, I have also become aware of non-direct ways in which I was formerly trying to mitigate the energy of others in our group.  For example, if my husband was annoyed and told one of the kids off, I would go to him and try to cool him down, and would then offer the child some sort of comfort.  But, as I am taking a more active role in generating a cool and calm household energy, I realize this kind of behind-the-scenes negotiating is counter to my overall goal.  My overall goal is that we each learn to live together, and learn to be responsible for our own impact.

I am exploring different ways in which I can create a positive environment without inadvertently undermining the process.  Some of these I have already discussed in this blog.  One new addition to our house is a bevy of salt lamps.  I know these aren't new news, but they are newly being used in our house.  Since placing them by each person's bed, we have each noticed a deeper sleep, and more dream recollection.

The next challenge on my list is to gather legitimate information about the impact of ELF waves, and ways to decrease this impact.  Lest you think I've totally lost the plot, take a look here, and here. At the least, it is something still to be considered.  Also, as we add more and more devices to our homes and lives, taking reasonable safety measures is definitely warranted.  I'll let you know how my research goes!

Mantra looking ahead to November

I am STILL reading Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron. I emphasize 'still' because it is the book my Buddhist mom's group began reading this summer.  Around here, 3 kids in new schools, a running toddler, and a move to a new house slowed my pace for other things considerably.  So, I am STILL reading it.  And actually, that is explanation enough for why I am focusing on this as my mantra:

There are no interruptions

I say that as I exhale when it seems like my whole life is an interruption.  Parents of small kids know that feeling well.  But this applies to larger issues too - a job loss, a divorce, a sudden expensive repair to a home. When we think of everything as an interruption to our otherwise peaceful existence, we forget that ALL of life is our opportunity to practice, to learn, and to grow.  So that little knee jerk impulse to react with irritation when we are 'interrupted' in small and large ways, should be tempered.  As difficult as it can be to see, it is when we are challenged that we have the most intense opportunities to practice compassion, peace, balance, and love.

Nothing that happens is an interruption.  ALL of it is life.

Growing intuition

To me, the purpose of my life is to find my true calling and live it.  In order to do this, I must clear away all the things I think and carry that are not mine.  When each of us lives out our true calling, we are doing the job God put us here to do.  Living out that job will lead us to live in the flow of love. When we live in the flow of love, we experience happiness, we are closer to God, and we contribute peace to the world. (I am reminded of a recent mantra of mine that I got from a guided meditation: The only source of happiness is the flow of Love.)

The process of clearing away things that don't belong to us requires a well developed sense of intuition.  How can we know if something really matters to us if we don't trust in our own gut reactions?  And how can we discern intuition from fear without practice?  We cannot.  

So, one of my central jobs as a parent is to aid my kids in developing their own intuition.  We do many things as a family to aid in this process, and I have recently integrated a new tool in this effort.

I bought a deck of Oracle Cards at one of my favorite spots, EarthSpeak in Kimberton, PA. (You can also find them here.) Each Oracle Card has a beautiful picture and a message:

At dinner, I shuffle the cards and each child takes a turn picking.  When they choose a card, they read the message and show the picture.  They then tell us whether they think the message is for them or for one of their family members, and why.

This calls on each child to use their intuition about external information, and to decide if it is relevant to them.  It also gives the children a chance to reflect to their siblings what they think about their sibling's life and inner process.

For example, my oldest, S, drew a card that said "Wish Upon a Star - Make a wish and expect the very best." She said she thought the message was for her younger sister, N, as N often second guesses her own skills and creations.  N agreed and said, "I should practice expecting the best for myself." It was so moving to watch the two girls, aged 11 and 8, talk in such a caring and thoughtful way.  And N felt so validated when she heard her sister make such a insightful observation.

Do you agree that intuition is an important life skill? 

The Middle School Challenge; boots on the ground

I have no military experience, so it wasn't until I heard Obama talking recently that I first heard the phrase 'boots on the ground'. To quote the ever-brilliant Wikipedia, "The term is used to convey the belief that military success can only be achieved through the direct physical presence of troops in a conflict area." I don't usually use conflict terms to think about parenting, however this concept of boots on the ground really rung a bell for me. Nothing can replace 'direct physical presence' with kids, especially where there is a 'conflict area'.  In our house, our oldest is starting her first years of Middle School - conflict area anyone?

So, this has been my solution to-date.  Each week, I take the two middle kids to a sports class.  While they are in class, the oldest and I walk or jog the track. Sometimes we take turns pushing the little guy in the stroller.  She resists going with me each week. She has a headache, she is too tired, she's in a bad mood...EVERY excuse.  And each week I say, "Well we have to take these guys to class anyway." And each week, the minute we get on the track, she starts talking and doesn't stop until we are done.  Today she said, "I am worried I am talking too much!  You didn't get to talk!" I mean seriously, I'm in heaven.  She tells me all about the worries and challenges of her new middle school life.  Without this time together, I would NEVER get this kind of intel!  And, as I jog beside her listening, she has asked my advice a couple of times.  This can only be a good thing.

I have worked with many families professionally over my past 10 years as a college admissions consultant.  One thing I see in many families who need my help, is that the parents are disconnected from the core gifts a parent can give their kids.  I have said to many parents, "Your job as your student writes their college essays is to be present as a parent.  Make sure there are snacks, ink in the printer, and plenty of printer paper.  Be nearby to read drafts." Some parents seem taken aback by this advice.  They see themselves less as assistants, and more as CEOs of the process.  They want to MANAGE it. But from my point of view, parenting your child through normal change isn't about being a manager.  It is about being present, and showing care. 

For my daughter now, 'boots on the ground' is really sneakers on a track.  As she changes, I'm sure being present will take on a new form. But no matter what, being truly there will always be the most important thing I can do.

Being Joyful

I think the worst thing I could hear from my kids when they look back on my mothering is that they remember me as *joyless*. I want them to feel and know that I am grateful for their presence in my life, and for the freedom I have to raise them in health and safety.  The best way to share that with them is to let them see that I get joy from being here with them.

So maybe dishes lie and wait for me, laundry is knee deep, and my phone is vibrating with irritation. I'd rather do this: roll on the floor laughing with the baby, read to the 6 year old, wrestle the cranky 11 year old until she laughs, give the 8 year old a patient ear as she recounts an entire chapter of her book to me.  I won't brush them off as if they are at the bottom of my to-do list.  Rather I will decadently act as though I have nothing better to do than indulge in spending time with them.  And, when I think about what really matters the truth is there is nothing better to do than this.

Natural Habitat

I loved that magazine ‘Mothering’ and I’m sad it is no longer published as a printed magazine.  I loved looking back at articles, and passing copies along to friends. Anyway, natural Mama and Mothering Magazine Goddess Peggy O’Mara recently posted something on Facebook that I loved.  In essence, she pointed out that a baby’s natural habitat is his or her mother’s body.  I love that so much.  I have felt with each of my children that the first three months of life are really like another trimester in which they must be held and fed and cuddled by me as much as possible.  I never applied the words ‘natural habitat’ to that, and I love the connection that O’Mara made.

That idea has been percolating in my brain as I go about mothering my 4 children, not just the baby.  With him, it is clear that when he is out-of-sorts and disorganized, being held by me in a baby carrier as I sway to music, or go about my chores clearly brings him a deep sense of relief and relaxation.  I call it an ‘organizing’ activity.  It pulls him back together, and helps him be calm in his environment.  With the other children, finding organizing activities is more complex, and less obvious.  For my oldest, sometimes being busy is the best recipe for her to feel pulled back together.  Sometimes, she needs a long soak in my bathtub combined with my attention – sitting and talking, sharing my special bath salts. Each child needs help at times, and each child’s needs are different.

As adults, we are charged with doing these things for ourselves.  We each have to be aware of our own natural habitat, and how to create it.

What does it mean for us and the way we live? What happens when whole communities of people spend no time in their natural environments?  Do we feel unmanageable stress, anxiety, difficulty sleeping? It seems to me, that many of us are plagued with those afflictions. 

No more mommy-guilt, Part II

Forget about guilt as a part of mothering. It is totally at cross purposes with the job of mothering.  Send it off to hell with its evil brother, worry.  Let the ground open up and swallow them both, because there is no room for them here.

Here is the job as I see it (as I see it TODAY - I reserve the right to see it completely differently tomorrow):

1) Connect with Love, and find a way to share that love with your children.  Teach them what it feels like to be loved, and how to love.

2) Help them find out what it means to be them, and let them know that who they are is WONDERFUL - flaws and all.

3) Show them that failure is not the end, it is a necessary and healthy part of their journey.

4) Teach them to sit in silence sometimes, and to stretch their bodies sometimes.

5) Teach them that it is ok to let go of people who make them feel crappy about themselves.

6) Cherish them, and stop what you are doing to listen when they say, "It's important."

7) Hug them, kiss them, and snuggle them, even when they are no longer tiny sweet smelling cherubs.  Hug them, kiss them, and snuggle them, especially when they are surly, pimply and awkward.

8) Support their choices.  Find a way to say, "Yes."

9) And when you have to say no, really really mean it.  Show them that you are bigger than their fears, and you can handle their anger.  They are safe in your care.

NOTHING in this job is done better or with a clearer heart if you indulge your own fears that you, yourself, are not up to the task.  Reject the small voice inside you that suggests you might suck.  If you do not, your children will inherit it.  Enjoy mothering, don't let it drag you under. Find the joy.

I call BS on 'mommy-guilt', Part I

Here's the thing: if you work at a regular out-of-the-house job, some days you are going to sit at your desk and imagine another, better job.  Maybe you get a link from a friend with a job listing in your favorite city, or see a job listing that doesn't include some of your most hated tasks.  And you think, "Hey, why don't I work there?!" And then you go back to work.  And its not a big deal.

But when you are a full-time at-home mom, if you have a day where you think, "Hey, maybe I should have a different job, " it's as if you are saying, "Maybe I don't really love my family and children." It's kind of horrifying and shameful.  And I'm here to call bullshit.

First of all, moms who work outside the home love their kids and families.  So if you consider that you might want to do that, it doesn't mean you don't love yours.

Second of all, like anything else, some days are better than others.  I mean believe me I have moments (cleaning up a dead bat while my husband is away after a night up with a crying baby and an explosive poopy diaper, a clogged toilet, and a 7:30 AM drop off time for 3 kids comes to mind) where I think, "Huh.  Is THIS why I went to graduate school?  Good thing I bothered with that Ivy League degree." And then I go back to disinfecting the floor so the baby doesn't happen across a dead bat body part and put it in his mouth.

Third of all, the key to personal freedom is being with what is.  So if today is a day where you feel unsettled, let it be.  It will probably pass, or it may galvanize some change.  Maybe it will inspire you to do something new and different, who knows.  The point is, it is what is happening today.  And whatever you choose to do with it, you will do.  There is no need to burden any of it with this disgusting thing people call mommy-guilt.

I find it pretty annoying that someone even came up with that moniker.  Guilt in general is unproductive and toxic and when you tie anything to being a mom, there is something very laden and sexist about it.  Leave your guilt out of my mothering, ok people?

Well, thats my shout out, at-home sisters.  Love your job or don't, but don't beat yourself up about it either way.  And remember, as my very wise husband says: they can't all be winners.  Some days are crappier than others.  And some days are truly blissful.  Enjoy them both for what they are.