Jesus

The title of this post is not a exclamation - I'm actually talking about Jesus.  I wanna share three great fortunes I have had on this subject.  The first is that I have always been moved by penitence.  Seeing people accept that there is a greater force in the Universe that themselves has always moved me deeply.  The second great fortune I had on this topic was The Church of the Redeemer Youth Group in 1991 and 1992.  There I was taught by the ever-patient Bob Brooks and Marc Andrus in my first Bible study.  Gosh maybe I should have said 4 great fortunes - I also majored in Religion at Vassar College (with no small thanks to Marc Epstein who is my friend on Facebook and might actually read this!).  My next item was going to be the past three years of working with Nathan Rein and studying various texts with the members of our Friends Reading Group at Schuylkill Monthly Meeting.

All this is to say, I have spend a lot of my life studying the Bible and trying to access what, if any, TRUTH might lie there.  This Christmas, thanks to a lot of wonderful people, I have a heartfelt understanding of the legacy of Jesus.

For me, Jesus was an outsider, a revolutionary, and a man destined for death in a gruesome and public way at the hands of the government.  Steve Biko's birthday was this week.  He is an exemplar of a modern man who also was an outsider in his country, a revolutionary, and died in a gruesome way at the hands of his government (none of whom were ever punished, though he was beaten to death in police custody.)

When I listen to a song like this, I am moved to tears.  For me this is a song deifying someone who dared to challenge the status quo, and who was willing to die for what he believed in.  He was a radical spiritualist who spent a lot of time alone in prayer or meditation.  He befriended the least liked people in society.  That gives me hope.

I watched Michelle Obama this evening being interviewed by Oprah Winfrey at the White House.  First of all, seeing two African American women talking about the legacy of the first African American President was so moving.  As Michelle talked about hope, I felt a renewal of it.  If a black man can lead this racist country, one crazy white man cannot bring us down.

And, if a baby born to unwed parents in a barn can inspire people centuries later, then resistance to what we know is wrong is never futile.

I have to say that again in case you are skimming this:

RESISTANCE TO WHAT WE KNOW IS WRONG IS NEVER FUTILE.

So, take a listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and when they reach their crescendo, imagine all the people you fear and hate falling on their knees acknowledging a greater Truth.  Know that penitence to the Divine is a shared human experience. Sometimes it just takes awhile. And please, know that we will be ok.  Maybe not as individuals - so many have suffered so much - but as a human race.  History favors justice.

Authenticity is the spice of life

There is a joke quote in my family - "Consistency is the spice of life." They are quoting me.  As an anxious Virgo, I said that once in all seriousness.  And I really believe it!  Consistency is rare and adds something to life that is otherwise changeable and unpredictable.  But I have a new twist on that oft-mocked quote: Authenticity is the spice of life.

This new twist comes out of something that has been happening to me in the last year or two (full-disclosure, I am 41 1/2 so it may be a 40's thing). I am weary of all before and afters, I don't want to see any more make-overs, and I don't want tips like this one I just read in a woman's magazine about how to organize your mudroom: "Children should each have a labelled basket for each sport easily accessible." I wish I could generate in writing the tone of my reaction to that.  It goes something like this: Oh SHOULD they?! Because A. my children SHOULD be doing multiple sports, B. my children SHOULD have their lives managed for them C. I SHOULD have a mud-room big enough for this nonsense D. I SHOULD feel inadequate with a bunch of hangers and a few messy baskets....you get my point.  The truth is, I DO have a mud-room with a cubby for each kid and it makes it easier for me to put that crap away.  But the idea that anyone would take that stupid advice and feel bad about their parenting or their home makes me cringe.

So I say forget parenting advice, forget home improvement before and afters, forget 'change your life in 30 days' and remember this: being you is your first and only job. Helping your kids learn about being them is your next job (assuming you have kids - if you don't then YOU know what your second job is! I can't tell you that because I'm not here to give you or anyone advice!)  Relax into it.  Or don't.  In fact, if stressing out about it all makes you feel more authentic, them by all means, indulge.  Just do your own damn thing.

And, if you want to see someone doing their own damn thing for all the world to see, watch this Bernie Sanders video and cry your eyes out like I did when I watched it.

https://youtu.be/RU3NKvvxcSs

Anyone who can be that authentic for his whole damn life gets my vote.

Mourning

"Nothing matters.  I do not want to be distracted from my grief. I wouldn't mind dying. I wouldn't mind it at all.  I wake from sleep in the middle of every night and say to myself, 'My mother is dead.'"

A little less than a year ago, my mother in law, Esty, passed away.  She was surrounded by family and in her own bed.  We have done a lot this year to honor her passing. But I feel incomplete.  Nothing can really help with the truth of loss of someone I love.  One of the things I miss the most is our honest relationship.  Truly honest relationships are rare in life, and she and I had that great treasure.

We acknowledged the complexities of our relationship with good humor.  Being a mother in law isn't easy, and neither is being a daughter in law.  We definitely had our hard times.  But we shared a fundamental belief that our role in our shared family was more important than any individual disagreement.  I wanted, and still want, our kids to be close to her. And to know her gifts.  In fact, as she was dying, I held her hand and told her everything I promised to share with my kids that she had taught to me.  Because, in truth, though I am good at honesty, I am not always good at laughing off the hard times and letting go of hurt.  Esty taught me that.  She had both a solidity and a lightness about her.  She was deeply committed to family, education, and a great life.  Maybe that was the root of our connection; we defined a great life similarly.  A long marriage, stable finances, great unending pursuit of education, and family - those are the hallmarks of a life well-lived.  She also loved my husband unconditionally.  Though we joked about her use of the word 'perfect', I know she believed that he is perfect in God's eyes.  And now when I look at him I remember that mother's love that he no longer has in his life.  And I feel a responsibility to that.  The last thing I told her was that Chris would always be the most important person in my life.  She squeezed my hand and said,'I know.'

I will never stop missing her. Without my weeks with her in the summer, I am not sure how I will remember to ask myself all the probing questions about life and my understanding of it.  I would like to think that I will be able to do some of the things she did so well.  I aspire to give my kids the same sense of certainty that they are the center of my life, and that they are loved and accepted as they are.  I will also borrow her catchphrase as they get older: Everyone is entitled to my opinion!  And, as she did, I hope I will have the wisdom to be gracious and stable even when a fight or family problem seems unsolvable. I also hope to be as generous as she was as a mother in law; she always ALWAYS made sure to tell me what a great mother I am.  She made me believe that she was happy and grateful that I was raising her beloved grandchildren.  What a gift.

There isn't anything I didn't say to her, there is no unresolved argument.  I believe we knew and saw one another honestly.  And I know for sure that she is getting ready for her next journey.  But I will miss her for the rest of my life.

Recently I hear a sermon on the radio.  The pastor was saying, "Don't live as if it is your last day, live as if it is the last day of everyone you love." Amen to that.  Look around and know that everyone you know and love will die.  There is no shame in that - it is part of human life.  Just make sure you honor that, and don't waste time being angry or holding a grudge.

Esty, I miss you, I love you, and I will make sure my kids remember all you left us with your lovely truthful existence.

Be with it, whatever it is.

Summertime in England, Van Morrison

"It ain't why, it just is."

There is always so much to accept in life.  Accept who you are, your gifts and skills, your limitations, the skills and limitations of your partner. Accept the children you have (or don't have). Accept your body, your face, your family of origin, your birthrights (or lack of birthrights). Accept your shallowness, your complexities, your courage and your fearfulness.

To be clear, acceptance and 'settling' are in no way synonymous in my mind.  It is rather an acknowledgment that what is, is.  In this moment, this is the truth.   Don't fear honesty with yourself of with anyone else.  Honesty and authenticity are the most important tools you have towards your true path. Being honest about whatever is true in your life is the challenge and root of a meaningful life. Neither gratitude nor purposeful change can come from any other place.  Spend all your energy getting *with* whatever is true in your life.  Spend zero energy resisting it. Let it all wash over your. KNOW it, feel it, accept it. Trust that when you look at all you see with honesty and clarity, you will have the strength, courage, compassion and wisdom to feel gratitude, and to change things that need changing.

I hope this moment, right now, today, is a moment in which you can breathe, be truthful, accept what is, and maybe rock out to some amazingly brilliant Van Morrison.

Mother's Day 2 cents

On Mother's Day, there was a post on my Facebook feed whose title was something about 'nature's best mother'.  The article described a spider who literally feeds her body to her developing babies. This, the article suggested, was an example of excellent mothering.

I take total exception to this idea.  Throwing yourself on the pyre of your family is NOT the definition of a good mother in my mind.   In fact, setting all of yourself aside takes something important away from your family: you!  You have to be a complete and whole person in order to authentically engage with the process of loving your partner, and parenting your children. 

Being a good mother involves a more subtle process than just denying your own life and needs. Instead, the goal of a good mother is becoming whole and complete within herself, in order that she can guide her children to do the same.  Being a good mother doesn't means setting aside your needs, rather it means setting aside all your issues. When you set aside the baggage you carry from your own childhood/life experiences, you are able to see the child in front of you more clearly.  The foggy lens of your own fears and desires is cleaned.  You are then able to be truly present to the child you have been entrusted with by the Universe.

Being a good mother doesn't mean setting aside your needs. It means setting aside your issues and parenting the child you have instead of trying to parent the child you were. 

Create what you wish to see

This has come up a lot lately so I thought I would try to get it down on 'paper'. When you feel like you are injured in some way, or hurt by another person, I have a suggestion.  Instead of trying to retaliate and make them feel as you feel, or carrying anger which corrodes all, try to create what you wish for.

If your husband is ignoring your needs, instead of ignoring his, become what you wish he would be.  Open your heart, ask about his day, look in his eyes.  By your kindness, inspire calm connection and trust that you will get what you need.

Create the energy you want to see.

This is one way to be the change you wish to see in the world.

Meditation for today:
Today I will create the energy I wish to see all around me. Today I will change my world.

Marriage and the Divine

I spend a lot of time thinking about marriage.  For me, marriage is one of the ways I am able to connect with the Divine.  No, I don't mean that my husband is my God (though he is extremely awesome). I mean that, like prayer or standing at the Grand Canyon, being in the presence of the love that can grow in marriage is humbling, and gives me a glimmer of the Universal love that is God.

So, when I hear about wives and husbands missing the opportunity to feel each other's love, I feel very sad.  Connecting with love is the greatest joy in life!  Have you ever shrugged your husband off when he approaches you with intimacy?  Have you ever rolled your eyes when your wife wants to talk something through with you (do I even have ONE male reader??)? That is equivalent to saying to God, "talk to the hand!" 

I heard a great thing on the radio the other day.  I was listening to a lecture by a minister and he said, "God's favorite mouthpiece is your spouse, so listen carefully when they talk."

My commitment in my marriage is to keep the pathway for love wide-open.  Receive love with gratitude, give love with passion.