Mourning

"Nothing matters.  I do not want to be distracted from my grief. I wouldn't mind dying. I wouldn't mind it at all.  I wake from sleep in the middle of every night and say to myself, 'My mother is dead.'"

A little less than a year ago, my mother in law, Esty, passed away.  She was surrounded by family and in her own bed.  We have done a lot this year to honor her passing. But I feel incomplete.  Nothing can really help with the truth of loss of someone I love.  One of the things I miss the most is our honest relationship.  Truly honest relationships are rare in life, and she and I had that great treasure.

We acknowledged the complexities of our relationship with good humor.  Being a mother in law isn't easy, and neither is being a daughter in law.  We definitely had our hard times.  But we shared a fundamental belief that our role in our shared family was more important than any individual disagreement.  I wanted, and still want, our kids to be close to her. And to know her gifts.  In fact, as she was dying, I held her hand and told her everything I promised to share with my kids that she had taught to me.  Because, in truth, though I am good at honesty, I am not always good at laughing off the hard times and letting go of hurt.  Esty taught me that.  She had both a solidity and a lightness about her.  She was deeply committed to family, education, and a great life.  Maybe that was the root of our connection; we defined a great life similarly.  A long marriage, stable finances, great unending pursuit of education, and family - those are the hallmarks of a life well-lived.  She also loved my husband unconditionally.  Though we joked about her use of the word 'perfect', I know she believed that he is perfect in God's eyes.  And now when I look at him I remember that mother's love that he no longer has in his life.  And I feel a responsibility to that.  The last thing I told her was that Chris would always be the most important person in my life.  She squeezed my hand and said,'I know.'

I will never stop missing her. Without my weeks with her in the summer, I am not sure how I will remember to ask myself all the probing questions about life and my understanding of it.  I would like to think that I will be able to do some of the things she did so well.  I aspire to give my kids the same sense of certainty that they are the center of my life, and that they are loved and accepted as they are.  I will also borrow her catchphrase as they get older: Everyone is entitled to my opinion!  And, as she did, I hope I will have the wisdom to be gracious and stable even when a fight or family problem seems unsolvable. I also hope to be as generous as she was as a mother in law; she always ALWAYS made sure to tell me what a great mother I am.  She made me believe that she was happy and grateful that I was raising her beloved grandchildren.  What a gift.

There isn't anything I didn't say to her, there is no unresolved argument.  I believe we knew and saw one another honestly.  And I know for sure that she is getting ready for her next journey.  But I will miss her for the rest of my life.

Recently I hear a sermon on the radio.  The pastor was saying, "Don't live as if it is your last day, live as if it is the last day of everyone you love." Amen to that.  Look around and know that everyone you know and love will die.  There is no shame in that - it is part of human life.  Just make sure you honor that, and don't waste time being angry or holding a grudge.

Esty, I miss you, I love you, and I will make sure my kids remember all you left us with your lovely truthful existence.

Be with it, whatever it is.

Summertime in England, Van Morrison

"It ain't why, it just is."

There is always so much to accept in life.  Accept who you are, your gifts and skills, your limitations, the skills and limitations of your partner. Accept the children you have (or don't have). Accept your body, your face, your family of origin, your birthrights (or lack of birthrights). Accept your shallowness, your complexities, your courage and your fearfulness.

To be clear, acceptance and 'settling' are in no way synonymous in my mind.  It is rather an acknowledgment that what is, is.  In this moment, this is the truth.   Don't fear honesty with yourself of with anyone else.  Honesty and authenticity are the most important tools you have towards your true path. Being honest about whatever is true in your life is the challenge and root of a meaningful life. Neither gratitude nor purposeful change can come from any other place.  Spend all your energy getting *with* whatever is true in your life.  Spend zero energy resisting it. Let it all wash over your. KNOW it, feel it, accept it. Trust that when you look at all you see with honesty and clarity, you will have the strength, courage, compassion and wisdom to feel gratitude, and to change things that need changing.

I hope this moment, right now, today, is a moment in which you can breathe, be truthful, accept what is, and maybe rock out to some amazingly brilliant Van Morrison.

Mother's Day 2 cents

On Mother's Day, there was a post on my Facebook feed whose title was something about 'nature's best mother'.  The article described a spider who literally feeds her body to her developing babies. This, the article suggested, was an example of excellent mothering.

I take total exception to this idea.  Throwing yourself on the pyre of your family is NOT the definition of a good mother in my mind.   In fact, setting all of yourself aside takes something important away from your family: you!  You have to be a complete and whole person in order to authentically engage with the process of loving your partner, and parenting your children. 

Being a good mother involves a more subtle process than just denying your own life and needs. Instead, the goal of a good mother is becoming whole and complete within herself, in order that she can guide her children to do the same.  Being a good mother doesn't means setting aside your needs, rather it means setting aside all your issues. When you set aside the baggage you carry from your own childhood/life experiences, you are able to see the child in front of you more clearly.  The foggy lens of your own fears and desires is cleaned.  You are then able to be truly present to the child you have been entrusted with by the Universe.

Being a good mother doesn't mean setting aside your needs. It means setting aside your issues and parenting the child you have instead of trying to parent the child you were. 

Create what you wish to see

This has come up a lot lately so I thought I would try to get it down on 'paper'. When you feel like you are injured in some way, or hurt by another person, I have a suggestion.  Instead of trying to retaliate and make them feel as you feel, or carrying anger which corrodes all, try to create what you wish for.

If your husband is ignoring your needs, instead of ignoring his, become what you wish he would be.  Open your heart, ask about his day, look in his eyes.  By your kindness, inspire calm connection and trust that you will get what you need.

Create the energy you want to see.

This is one way to be the change you wish to see in the world.

Meditation for today:
Today I will create the energy I wish to see all around me. Today I will change my world.

Marriage and the Divine

I spend a lot of time thinking about marriage.  For me, marriage is one of the ways I am able to connect with the Divine.  No, I don't mean that my husband is my God (though he is extremely awesome). I mean that, like prayer or standing at the Grand Canyon, being in the presence of the love that can grow in marriage is humbling, and gives me a glimmer of the Universal love that is God.

So, when I hear about wives and husbands missing the opportunity to feel each other's love, I feel very sad.  Connecting with love is the greatest joy in life!  Have you ever shrugged your husband off when he approaches you with intimacy?  Have you ever rolled your eyes when your wife wants to talk something through with you (do I even have ONE male reader??)? That is equivalent to saying to God, "talk to the hand!" 

I heard a great thing on the radio the other day.  I was listening to a lecture by a minister and he said, "God's favorite mouthpiece is your spouse, so listen carefully when they talk."

My commitment in my marriage is to keep the pathway for love wide-open.  Receive love with gratitude, give love with passion.

The abundance

Lately, I've been told more than usual that I'm crazy.  What inspires this comment is that I seem to take on a lot of 'trouble', or 'work' in the form of a rescued dog, a foster dog, 2 cats, and now 2 newborn foster kittens.

I don't think this is crazy at all.  To me, the most fun part of my job is sharing with my children the things I loved in my own childhood.  Growing up, I LITERALLY had a pony.  I rode her every day. At the barn, there was one kitten that I loved dearly. One day, my mom said I could take him home.  He was my first true love.  Another time, we were at a party and my mom heard that the host had unwanted kittens.  They planned to put them in a sack and throw them in a river.  My  mom immediately said, "Girls, go pick a kitten." (Other guests did as well - don't worry this wasn't Sophie's Choice). Later, that adopted cat gave birth to her own litter in our back stairwell as I watched.  I remember everything about that experience.

The sense I had as a child was that there was more than enough care-taking to go around.  My mom had plenty for us, and for all these animals that became part of our lives.  I learned that a pregnant cat is a treasure to be watched in wonder, not a nuisance. I learned that mucking a stall is what you do for a sentient creature you love, not a disgusting chore.  What would be disgusting would be letting your sweet pony live in a dirty stall. The wellspring of energy that is generated to care for others is endless if you feel love. In fact, the essence of loving another is meeting their real needs.

What I hope my kids learn is that making choices is not always about assessing how much work something will be.  Sometimes it is just about opening your heart and welcoming what comes, and trusting that you will be capable of meeting the needs that arise.

My mantra this week is less philosophical.  It is my own much needed reminder: eventually, they will ALL be housebroken!  ;)

When a child has trouble

When times are hardest with a child, I meditate on what I know to be true about the Universe.  Here it is:

God put you and your child together for a reason.  You are not to BLAME for your child's journey.  You did not cause everything negative in their life.  Don't get between your child and their path.  Rather, know that the Universe did not make a mistake; you have something unique to offer your child as they make their way.  Be quiet and listen. You will figure out what your unique gift to your child is in this difficult time.

You are not the central character in your child's life.  As your child grows, you will take a smaller and smaller role in their life.  You have a supporting role in their story - decide what that role will be and work towards it.  Will you be the judgement they had to overcome in order to find themselves?  Will you be the teacher who helped them develop skills they needed?  Will you be the warm, calm place they always knew they could go?

Visualize how you want them to feel when they think about you, and bring that energy forward as you parent, especially when they are having the most trouble.