The abundance

Lately, I've been told more than usual that I'm crazy.  What inspires this comment is that I seem to take on a lot of 'trouble', or 'work' in the form of a rescued dog, a foster dog, 2 cats, and now 2 newborn foster kittens.

I don't think this is crazy at all.  To me, the most fun part of my job is sharing with my children the things I loved in my own childhood.  Growing up, I LITERALLY had a pony.  I rode her every day. At the barn, there was one kitten that I loved dearly. One day, my mom said I could take him home.  He was my first true love.  Another time, we were at a party and my mom heard that the host had unwanted kittens.  They planned to put them in a sack and throw them in a river.  My  mom immediately said, "Girls, go pick a kitten." (Other guests did as well - don't worry this wasn't Sophie's Choice). Later, that adopted cat gave birth to her own litter in our back stairwell as I watched.  I remember everything about that experience.

The sense I had as a child was that there was more than enough care-taking to go around.  My mom had plenty for us, and for all these animals that became part of our lives.  I learned that a pregnant cat is a treasure to be watched in wonder, not a nuisance. I learned that mucking a stall is what you do for a sentient creature you love, not a disgusting chore.  What would be disgusting would be letting your sweet pony live in a dirty stall. The wellspring of energy that is generated to care for others is endless if you feel love. In fact, the essence of loving another is meeting their real needs.

What I hope my kids learn is that making choices is not always about assessing how much work something will be.  Sometimes it is just about opening your heart and welcoming what comes, and trusting that you will be capable of meeting the needs that arise.

My mantra this week is less philosophical.  It is my own much needed reminder: eventually, they will ALL be housebroken!  ;)

When a child has trouble

When times are hardest with a child, I meditate on what I know to be true about the Universe.  Here it is:

God put you and your child together for a reason.  You are not to BLAME for your child's journey.  You did not cause everything negative in their life.  Don't get between your child and their path.  Rather, know that the Universe did not make a mistake; you have something unique to offer your child as they make their way.  Be quiet and listen. You will figure out what your unique gift to your child is in this difficult time.

You are not the central character in your child's life.  As your child grows, you will take a smaller and smaller role in their life.  You have a supporting role in their story - decide what that role will be and work towards it.  Will you be the judgement they had to overcome in order to find themselves?  Will you be the teacher who helped them develop skills they needed?  Will you be the warm, calm place they always knew they could go?

Visualize how you want them to feel when they think about you, and bring that energy forward as you parent, especially when they are having the most trouble.

Uncomfortable Emotions

Tonight at the dinner table we talked about what we do when we feel an emotion we don't like, or aren't proud of.  I liked hearing each child's interpretation of what an uncomfortable emotion might be.  The general theme with the group was jealousy - like when a friend has a toy you want, or your sibling gets something from Santa you were wishing for (Oy!  Didn't know I had made that error!)

My 6 year old boy says when he feels an emotion he isn't proud of, he slaps himself in the face and says, "Snap out of it!" My 8 year old daughter suggested that the best thing to do is just spend more time thinking about the emotion you DO want to feel.  So if your friend has an Xbox and you want one, just think about how happy you are for your friend, and how nice it will be to play with it when you go to her house.  My 11 year old said when she feels those emotions, she just pushes them aside and cries. No solution was perfect, but the conversation was compelling.

I offered them a Buddhist idea: rather than blaming yourself for having a 'bad' emotion, you could see the emotion as a crying baby, and imagine your heart is filled with love for that baby.  Bringing love to the emotion could soothe it. Being angry that you are imperfect doesn't solve the problem, and in fact makes it harder to handle.

The three children looked at their baby brother (no longer a baby at 22 months), and had a shared 'awww' imagining George crying. Then the subject changed, as it does with children.  I let it go, hopeful that these conversations give them something to go back to when they navigate their complex emotional lives.

xo

I'm not here by accident or luck

When I was deciding whether or not to have my fourth child, a friend with no children said, "You just want to have another baby so you don't have to go back to work."  At the time, I was a stay-at-home mom with a 8 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old.  I also had a successful part-time business as a college admissions counselor.  I was stunned by her interpretation of my life as somehow being constructed around avoiding 'work'.  As someone who has decided not to have children, her statement made it clear to me that she truly could not understand the value I place on my children.  The idea that I would have a child to avoid full-time work in an office not only completely misunderstands how much work it is to have a baby, it is also judgmental and belittling of my values. 

I like this post by Matt Walsh (though I don't usually agree with him). One of the things I like most about his post is that he says the unmentionable; he asserts that it is better for children to spend more time with their mothers.  This is the unspeakable opinion, and this is the heart of what makes talking about this issue so challenging. My choice to stay home full time with my kids is based on my belief that this is better for my children than the money I could make working.  It is more important to me to do this, than it is to capitalize on my Ivy League graduate degree. THAT is how much I value being at home with my kids.  I'm not avoiding anything, and I'm not here by happenstance.  I have evaluated all the information I can gather, using both instincts and research, and I have decided that this is the best thing to do with my time.  

This seems to be totally unbelievable to someone without children, and to many moms who work outside their homes. I didn't stay at home with my kids because I'm lucky, or because we could afford it.  I've heard this from people who have WAY more than double our income. Without going into too many personal details, for many years we really could NOT afford it.  The sacrifices we have made are neither accidental nor lucky.  In fact, sometimes those sacrifices were painful and stressful.  However, every time a job offer came my way - sometimes offering a salary that matched my husband's - he and I would again choose to live on half the salary we could earn so that I could continue to be here with my children.  THIS is what we VALUE. To us, this is the most valuable and expensive thing we will ever do - give up a very comfortable life in order to have a stay-at-home parent. 

I understand that other families will make a different choice, and that each family has its own set of challenges. I promise I will not belittle those families by assuming that they are choosing nicer cars over time with their kids.  I will assume that they have made an assessment about what works best for their family.  All I ask is a similar respect.  Don't assume I'm here my accident, trust-fund, laziness, or luck.  Know that this IS my job, and it is a job I value highly.

Six is a real challenge!

This is my 3rd 6-year-old, and lemme tell you, it is a tough age for me!  I don't know what the deal is, but I find 6 endearing, sweet, intelligent and INFURIATING!  So it gives me a daily opportunity to practice managing anger and frustration.  It also challenges my mothering creativity.  I want this 6-year-old to feel that he is cherished, loved, and valued.  No one feels that way when they also feel they are infuriating!  So each day I practice, practice, practice.  I also take time each morning to set my intention with him:

Today I will show this child that he brings me joy, that he is loved, and that his energy is enjoyed by his family.  Today I will hug and snuggle him and show him how glad I am that he is here with me.  Today I will observe my anger and impatience, and will pause rather than let them control me.  I am bigger than my worst reactions and with love, I will observe them, and let them go.

I also suspended our usual point system for this child.  It wasn't really giving him any help. Instead I gave him a simpler system.  He gets a strike when he resists our normal routine (refusing to come to the table, refusing to clear his plate, refusing to put on his coat, refusing to come upstairs for bed, screaming and running around during dinner etc.)  Any good behavior results in a loss of a strike.  His goal is to go to bed with no strikes, and to leave for school with no strikes.  3 strikes and he gets a time out.

So far, he has found this to be very engaging and exciting.  He loves seeing me mark down the 'strike free' successes!  He is also awaiting what the 'prize' will be for all the positive marks.

How do you handle it when one child is suddenly very challenging?  Is there an age that you consistently find difficult?

Energy

I've been coming into the realization that one of the biggest jobs/challenges of managing a busy household is taking responsibility for the energy in which we all live.  I have switched from being energetically reactive, to be energetically creative and responsible.  As I have transitioned into this new role, I have also become aware of non-direct ways in which I was formerly trying to mitigate the energy of others in our group.  For example, if my husband was annoyed and told one of the kids off, I would go to him and try to cool him down, and would then offer the child some sort of comfort.  But, as I am taking a more active role in generating a cool and calm household energy, I realize this kind of behind-the-scenes negotiating is counter to my overall goal.  My overall goal is that we each learn to live together, and learn to be responsible for our own impact.

I am exploring different ways in which I can create a positive environment without inadvertently undermining the process.  Some of these I have already discussed in this blog.  One new addition to our house is a bevy of salt lamps.  I know these aren't new news, but they are newly being used in our house.  Since placing them by each person's bed, we have each noticed a deeper sleep, and more dream recollection.

The next challenge on my list is to gather legitimate information about the impact of ELF waves, and ways to decrease this impact.  Lest you think I've totally lost the plot, take a look here, and here. At the least, it is something still to be considered.  Also, as we add more and more devices to our homes and lives, taking reasonable safety measures is definitely warranted.  I'll let you know how my research goes!

Mantra looking ahead to November

I am STILL reading Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron. I emphasize 'still' because it is the book my Buddhist mom's group began reading this summer.  Around here, 3 kids in new schools, a running toddler, and a move to a new house slowed my pace for other things considerably.  So, I am STILL reading it.  And actually, that is explanation enough for why I am focusing on this as my mantra:

There are no interruptions

I say that as I exhale when it seems like my whole life is an interruption.  Parents of small kids know that feeling well.  But this applies to larger issues too - a job loss, a divorce, a sudden expensive repair to a home. When we think of everything as an interruption to our otherwise peaceful existence, we forget that ALL of life is our opportunity to practice, to learn, and to grow.  So that little knee jerk impulse to react with irritation when we are 'interrupted' in small and large ways, should be tempered.  As difficult as it can be to see, it is when we are challenged that we have the most intense opportunities to practice compassion, peace, balance, and love.

Nothing that happens is an interruption.  ALL of it is life.