Uncomfortable Emotions

Tonight at the dinner table we talked about what we do when we feel an emotion we don't like, or aren't proud of.  I liked hearing each child's interpretation of what an uncomfortable emotion might be.  The general theme with the group was jealousy - like when a friend has a toy you want, or your sibling gets something from Santa you were wishing for (Oy!  Didn't know I had made that error!)

My 6 year old boy says when he feels an emotion he isn't proud of, he slaps himself in the face and says, "Snap out of it!" My 8 year old daughter suggested that the best thing to do is just spend more time thinking about the emotion you DO want to feel.  So if your friend has an Xbox and you want one, just think about how happy you are for your friend, and how nice it will be to play with it when you go to her house.  My 11 year old said when she feels those emotions, she just pushes them aside and cries. No solution was perfect, but the conversation was compelling.

I offered them a Buddhist idea: rather than blaming yourself for having a 'bad' emotion, you could see the emotion as a crying baby, and imagine your heart is filled with love for that baby.  Bringing love to the emotion could soothe it. Being angry that you are imperfect doesn't solve the problem, and in fact makes it harder to handle.

The three children looked at their baby brother (no longer a baby at 22 months), and had a shared 'awww' imagining George crying. Then the subject changed, as it does with children.  I let it go, hopeful that these conversations give them something to go back to when they navigate their complex emotional lives.

xo

I'm not here by accident or luck

When I was deciding whether or not to have my fourth child, a friend with no children said, "You just want to have another baby so you don't have to go back to work."  At the time, I was a stay-at-home mom with a 8 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old.  I also had a successful part-time business as a college admissions counselor.  I was stunned by her interpretation of my life as somehow being constructed around avoiding 'work'.  As someone who has decided not to have children, her statement made it clear to me that she truly could not understand the value I place on my children.  The idea that I would have a child to avoid full-time work in an office not only completely misunderstands how much work it is to have a baby, it is also judgmental and belittling of my values. 

I like this post by Matt Walsh (though I don't usually agree with him). One of the things I like most about his post is that he says the unmentionable; he asserts that it is better for children to spend more time with their mothers.  This is the unspeakable opinion, and this is the heart of what makes talking about this issue so challenging. My choice to stay home full time with my kids is based on my belief that this is better for my children than the money I could make working.  It is more important to me to do this, than it is to capitalize on my Ivy League graduate degree. THAT is how much I value being at home with my kids.  I'm not avoiding anything, and I'm not here by happenstance.  I have evaluated all the information I can gather, using both instincts and research, and I have decided that this is the best thing to do with my time.  

This seems to be totally unbelievable to someone without children, and to many moms who work outside their homes. I didn't stay at home with my kids because I'm lucky, or because we could afford it.  I've heard this from people who have WAY more than double our income. Without going into too many personal details, for many years we really could NOT afford it.  The sacrifices we have made are neither accidental nor lucky.  In fact, sometimes those sacrifices were painful and stressful.  However, every time a job offer came my way - sometimes offering a salary that matched my husband's - he and I would again choose to live on half the salary we could earn so that I could continue to be here with my children.  THIS is what we VALUE. To us, this is the most valuable and expensive thing we will ever do - give up a very comfortable life in order to have a stay-at-home parent. 

I understand that other families will make a different choice, and that each family has its own set of challenges. I promise I will not belittle those families by assuming that they are choosing nicer cars over time with their kids.  I will assume that they have made an assessment about what works best for their family.  All I ask is a similar respect.  Don't assume I'm here my accident, trust-fund, laziness, or luck.  Know that this IS my job, and it is a job I value highly.

Six is a real challenge!

This is my 3rd 6-year-old, and lemme tell you, it is a tough age for me!  I don't know what the deal is, but I find 6 endearing, sweet, intelligent and INFURIATING!  So it gives me a daily opportunity to practice managing anger and frustration.  It also challenges my mothering creativity.  I want this 6-year-old to feel that he is cherished, loved, and valued.  No one feels that way when they also feel they are infuriating!  So each day I practice, practice, practice.  I also take time each morning to set my intention with him:

Today I will show this child that he brings me joy, that he is loved, and that his energy is enjoyed by his family.  Today I will hug and snuggle him and show him how glad I am that he is here with me.  Today I will observe my anger and impatience, and will pause rather than let them control me.  I am bigger than my worst reactions and with love, I will observe them, and let them go.

I also suspended our usual point system for this child.  It wasn't really giving him any help. Instead I gave him a simpler system.  He gets a strike when he resists our normal routine (refusing to come to the table, refusing to clear his plate, refusing to put on his coat, refusing to come upstairs for bed, screaming and running around during dinner etc.)  Any good behavior results in a loss of a strike.  His goal is to go to bed with no strikes, and to leave for school with no strikes.  3 strikes and he gets a time out.

So far, he has found this to be very engaging and exciting.  He loves seeing me mark down the 'strike free' successes!  He is also awaiting what the 'prize' will be for all the positive marks.

How do you handle it when one child is suddenly very challenging?  Is there an age that you consistently find difficult?

Energy

I've been coming into the realization that one of the biggest jobs/challenges of managing a busy household is taking responsibility for the energy in which we all live.  I have switched from being energetically reactive, to be energetically creative and responsible.  As I have transitioned into this new role, I have also become aware of non-direct ways in which I was formerly trying to mitigate the energy of others in our group.  For example, if my husband was annoyed and told one of the kids off, I would go to him and try to cool him down, and would then offer the child some sort of comfort.  But, as I am taking a more active role in generating a cool and calm household energy, I realize this kind of behind-the-scenes negotiating is counter to my overall goal.  My overall goal is that we each learn to live together, and learn to be responsible for our own impact.

I am exploring different ways in which I can create a positive environment without inadvertently undermining the process.  Some of these I have already discussed in this blog.  One new addition to our house is a bevy of salt lamps.  I know these aren't new news, but they are newly being used in our house.  Since placing them by each person's bed, we have each noticed a deeper sleep, and more dream recollection.

The next challenge on my list is to gather legitimate information about the impact of ELF waves, and ways to decrease this impact.  Lest you think I've totally lost the plot, take a look here, and here. At the least, it is something still to be considered.  Also, as we add more and more devices to our homes and lives, taking reasonable safety measures is definitely warranted.  I'll let you know how my research goes!

Mantra looking ahead to November

I am STILL reading Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron. I emphasize 'still' because it is the book my Buddhist mom's group began reading this summer.  Around here, 3 kids in new schools, a running toddler, and a move to a new house slowed my pace for other things considerably.  So, I am STILL reading it.  And actually, that is explanation enough for why I am focusing on this as my mantra:

There are no interruptions

I say that as I exhale when it seems like my whole life is an interruption.  Parents of small kids know that feeling well.  But this applies to larger issues too - a job loss, a divorce, a sudden expensive repair to a home. When we think of everything as an interruption to our otherwise peaceful existence, we forget that ALL of life is our opportunity to practice, to learn, and to grow.  So that little knee jerk impulse to react with irritation when we are 'interrupted' in small and large ways, should be tempered.  As difficult as it can be to see, it is when we are challenged that we have the most intense opportunities to practice compassion, peace, balance, and love.

Nothing that happens is an interruption.  ALL of it is life.

Growing intuition

To me, the purpose of my life is to find my true calling and live it.  In order to do this, I must clear away all the things I think and carry that are not mine.  When each of us lives out our true calling, we are doing the job God put us here to do.  Living out that job will lead us to live in the flow of love. When we live in the flow of love, we experience happiness, we are closer to God, and we contribute peace to the world. (I am reminded of a recent mantra of mine that I got from a guided meditation: The only source of happiness is the flow of Love.)

The process of clearing away things that don't belong to us requires a well developed sense of intuition.  How can we know if something really matters to us if we don't trust in our own gut reactions?  And how can we discern intuition from fear without practice?  We cannot.  

So, one of my central jobs as a parent is to aid my kids in developing their own intuition.  We do many things as a family to aid in this process, and I have recently integrated a new tool in this effort.

I bought a deck of Oracle Cards at one of my favorite spots, EarthSpeak in Kimberton, PA. (You can also find them here.) Each Oracle Card has a beautiful picture and a message:

At dinner, I shuffle the cards and each child takes a turn picking.  When they choose a card, they read the message and show the picture.  They then tell us whether they think the message is for them or for one of their family members, and why.

This calls on each child to use their intuition about external information, and to decide if it is relevant to them.  It also gives the children a chance to reflect to their siblings what they think about their sibling's life and inner process.

For example, my oldest, S, drew a card that said "Wish Upon a Star - Make a wish and expect the very best." She said she thought the message was for her younger sister, N, as N often second guesses her own skills and creations.  N agreed and said, "I should practice expecting the best for myself." It was so moving to watch the two girls, aged 11 and 8, talk in such a caring and thoughtful way.  And N felt so validated when she heard her sister make such a insightful observation.

Do you agree that intuition is an important life skill? 

The Middle School Challenge; boots on the ground

I have no military experience, so it wasn't until I heard Obama talking recently that I first heard the phrase 'boots on the ground'. To quote the ever-brilliant Wikipedia, "The term is used to convey the belief that military success can only be achieved through the direct physical presence of troops in a conflict area." I don't usually use conflict terms to think about parenting, however this concept of boots on the ground really rung a bell for me. Nothing can replace 'direct physical presence' with kids, especially where there is a 'conflict area'.  In our house, our oldest is starting her first years of Middle School - conflict area anyone?

So, this has been my solution to-date.  Each week, I take the two middle kids to a sports class.  While they are in class, the oldest and I walk or jog the track. Sometimes we take turns pushing the little guy in the stroller.  She resists going with me each week. She has a headache, she is too tired, she's in a bad mood...EVERY excuse.  And each week I say, "Well we have to take these guys to class anyway." And each week, the minute we get on the track, she starts talking and doesn't stop until we are done.  Today she said, "I am worried I am talking too much!  You didn't get to talk!" I mean seriously, I'm in heaven.  She tells me all about the worries and challenges of her new middle school life.  Without this time together, I would NEVER get this kind of intel!  And, as I jog beside her listening, she has asked my advice a couple of times.  This can only be a good thing.

I have worked with many families professionally over my past 10 years as a college admissions consultant.  One thing I see in many families who need my help, is that the parents are disconnected from the core gifts a parent can give their kids.  I have said to many parents, "Your job as your student writes their college essays is to be present as a parent.  Make sure there are snacks, ink in the printer, and plenty of printer paper.  Be nearby to read drafts." Some parents seem taken aback by this advice.  They see themselves less as assistants, and more as CEOs of the process.  They want to MANAGE it. But from my point of view, parenting your child through normal change isn't about being a manager.  It is about being present, and showing care. 

For my daughter now, 'boots on the ground' is really sneakers on a track.  As she changes, I'm sure being present will take on a new form. But no matter what, being truly there will always be the most important thing I can do.