Being Joyful

I think the worst thing I could hear from my kids when they look back on my mothering is that they remember me as *joyless*. I want them to feel and know that I am grateful for their presence in my life, and for the freedom I have to raise them in health and safety.  The best way to share that with them is to let them see that I get joy from being here with them.

So maybe dishes lie and wait for me, laundry is knee deep, and my phone is vibrating with irritation. I'd rather do this: roll on the floor laughing with the baby, read to the 6 year old, wrestle the cranky 11 year old until she laughs, give the 8 year old a patient ear as she recounts an entire chapter of her book to me.  I won't brush them off as if they are at the bottom of my to-do list.  Rather I will decadently act as though I have nothing better to do than indulge in spending time with them.  And, when I think about what really matters the truth is there is nothing better to do than this.

Natural Habitat

I loved that magazine ‘Mothering’ and I’m sad it is no longer published as a printed magazine.  I loved looking back at articles, and passing copies along to friends. Anyway, natural Mama and Mothering Magazine Goddess Peggy O’Mara recently posted something on Facebook that I loved.  In essence, she pointed out that a baby’s natural habitat is his or her mother’s body.  I love that so much.  I have felt with each of my children that the first three months of life are really like another trimester in which they must be held and fed and cuddled by me as much as possible.  I never applied the words ‘natural habitat’ to that, and I love the connection that O’Mara made.

That idea has been percolating in my brain as I go about mothering my 4 children, not just the baby.  With him, it is clear that when he is out-of-sorts and disorganized, being held by me in a baby carrier as I sway to music, or go about my chores clearly brings him a deep sense of relief and relaxation.  I call it an ‘organizing’ activity.  It pulls him back together, and helps him be calm in his environment.  With the other children, finding organizing activities is more complex, and less obvious.  For my oldest, sometimes being busy is the best recipe for her to feel pulled back together.  Sometimes, she needs a long soak in my bathtub combined with my attention – sitting and talking, sharing my special bath salts. Each child needs help at times, and each child’s needs are different.

As adults, we are charged with doing these things for ourselves.  We each have to be aware of our own natural habitat, and how to create it.

What does it mean for us and the way we live? What happens when whole communities of people spend no time in their natural environments?  Do we feel unmanageable stress, anxiety, difficulty sleeping? It seems to me, that many of us are plagued with those afflictions. 

No more mommy-guilt, Part II

Forget about guilt as a part of mothering. It is totally at cross purposes with the job of mothering.  Send it off to hell with its evil brother, worry.  Let the ground open up and swallow them both, because there is no room for them here.

Here is the job as I see it (as I see it TODAY - I reserve the right to see it completely differently tomorrow):

1) Connect with Love, and find a way to share that love with your children.  Teach them what it feels like to be loved, and how to love.

2) Help them find out what it means to be them, and let them know that who they are is WONDERFUL - flaws and all.

3) Show them that failure is not the end, it is a necessary and healthy part of their journey.

4) Teach them to sit in silence sometimes, and to stretch their bodies sometimes.

5) Teach them that it is ok to let go of people who make them feel crappy about themselves.

6) Cherish them, and stop what you are doing to listen when they say, "It's important."

7) Hug them, kiss them, and snuggle them, even when they are no longer tiny sweet smelling cherubs.  Hug them, kiss them, and snuggle them, especially when they are surly, pimply and awkward.

8) Support their choices.  Find a way to say, "Yes."

9) And when you have to say no, really really mean it.  Show them that you are bigger than their fears, and you can handle their anger.  They are safe in your care.

NOTHING in this job is done better or with a clearer heart if you indulge your own fears that you, yourself, are not up to the task.  Reject the small voice inside you that suggests you might suck.  If you do not, your children will inherit it.  Enjoy mothering, don't let it drag you under. Find the joy.

I call BS on 'mommy-guilt', Part I

Here's the thing: if you work at a regular out-of-the-house job, some days you are going to sit at your desk and imagine another, better job.  Maybe you get a link from a friend with a job listing in your favorite city, or see a job listing that doesn't include some of your most hated tasks.  And you think, "Hey, why don't I work there?!" And then you go back to work.  And its not a big deal.

But when you are a full-time at-home mom, if you have a day where you think, "Hey, maybe I should have a different job, " it's as if you are saying, "Maybe I don't really love my family and children." It's kind of horrifying and shameful.  And I'm here to call bullshit.

First of all, moms who work outside the home love their kids and families.  So if you consider that you might want to do that, it doesn't mean you don't love yours.

Second of all, like anything else, some days are better than others.  I mean believe me I have moments (cleaning up a dead bat while my husband is away after a night up with a crying baby and an explosive poopy diaper, a clogged toilet, and a 7:30 AM drop off time for 3 kids comes to mind) where I think, "Huh.  Is THIS why I went to graduate school?  Good thing I bothered with that Ivy League degree." And then I go back to disinfecting the floor so the baby doesn't happen across a dead bat body part and put it in his mouth.

Third of all, the key to personal freedom is being with what is.  So if today is a day where you feel unsettled, let it be.  It will probably pass, or it may galvanize some change.  Maybe it will inspire you to do something new and different, who knows.  The point is, it is what is happening today.  And whatever you choose to do with it, you will do.  There is no need to burden any of it with this disgusting thing people call mommy-guilt.

I find it pretty annoying that someone even came up with that moniker.  Guilt in general is unproductive and toxic and when you tie anything to being a mom, there is something very laden and sexist about it.  Leave your guilt out of my mothering, ok people?

Well, thats my shout out, at-home sisters.  Love your job or don't, but don't beat yourself up about it either way.  And remember, as my very wise husband says: they can't all be winners.  Some days are crappier than others.  And some days are truly blissful.  Enjoy them both for what they are.

My Mantra

About a year ago, I started coming up with a mantra for each week.  It would be a simple thought and I would keep it at the front of my mind throughout the week.  It would help keep me focused on my practice of mindfulness.  Here is a sample of some of the things I used:

Only kindness matters
Love is everything
Be here now
Shoulders back, deep breath

Then about a month ago I was listening to a guided meditation and a line from it stuck in my head:

The only source of happiness is the flow of love.

It has become my mantra week after week. It connects with so much of what I believe about the Universe, and about my job here. Try saying it to yourself when you feel angry, or frustrated, or unfulfilled.  Choose happiness in those moments by connecting with the flow of love, instead of choosing unhappiness by analyzing and validating your own emotions. Step outside of the hamster wheel of the human brain, and open yourself up to the Universal flow of positive energy.  It is there.

Can't Make You Happy Part II

“When a parent allows a child to experience a full emotional range, the child can develop normally without suppressing the unpleasant and without shutting down emotionally.” (Sarah Napthali, Buddhism for Mothers, pg. 93)

It is a persistent theme when talking to other mothers that they expect themselves to make their children happy.  Where did this idea come from?  Where did mothers get the idea that their own skill as a mother is reflected in and dependent on the level to which they perceive their child as happy?

Children will not always be happy.  No human being is always happy.  In fact, assuming their life goes well, there will be times of great sadness.  They will be heartbroken, their pet will die, they will someday mourn our own death.  That is the nature of a full and complete human life.  It is not my job to prevent these things from taking place.  In fact, even attempting to limit their experience of these healthy things in life would be a perversion of my role and would set us both (me and my child) up for some pretty strange dynamics.

Rather, it is my job to teach them skills for managing life – its joys and its sorrows.  It is more important to ask myself as a mother “what am I teaching my children about how to engage with all of life’s emotions?” than to ask “are my children happy?”

The upside to this is that when I stay centered on my job, a lot of fear and worry can be released.  When I identify my true role, and sit firmly in the center of it, I am focusing on areas over which I actually have influence.  I spend much less time fretting over things over which I have no control.  Amazingly, when I do the job I am meant to do, I feel a greater sense of peace and purpose.

Simple Sunday Evening Thought

When I'm quiet and still, sometimes a line of a poem or a bit of a song will float into my mind and stick there.  Though I'm not especially fond of the song, the line from that Jewel song pops up a lot: only kindness matters.  What if that is true, and the only thing that matters is how kind we are to one another, and to ourselves.

Children are so lovely.  They have an innate sense of fairness and truth.  I came across this lovely note from one of my daughters.  Love IS everything, and kindness does matter.  These are my mantras for this week.