Today is your day, so be gentle

I am a total sap, and though it is embarrassing, I can't help loving this song. So do me a favor and listen to it while you read this, or what I'm about to say won't make as much sense.

We had a dance party this summer. We pulled out all the stops: pizza, beer, sparklers, disco ball...the children had a blast dancing with their cousins.  At the end of the night I asked my 7-year-old to pick the last song, last dance.  She asked me to play this one, and took my hands to dance.

Dancing there, in that moment, in that place, surrounded by family, holding her hands and looking at her sweet face as she sang this song to me...oh my heart.  I thought about all the things she will confront, all the moments that will contribute negatively to her sense of self, and of all the things I can't control.  Actually, I thought, "I can't protect her, I can just love her." And I cried while we danced. 

Like I said, I am a total sap.  I cry at songs, and at dance parties.  But it wasn't just me being sappy.  I was also connecting with the knowledge that we all struggle with; this moment will pass, people will grow up and move on, we can't control it, we can't stop it.  We can just take it in, absorb it, be present.  

I say this a lot about parenting - we can't control the outcomes but we can contribute meaningfully to the process. So I can't keep her from the challenges people face: getting hurt, being ignored by someone who used to be her friend, sleeping with a boy she should avoid, shying away from a challenge because somewhere she got the idea that success was for someone else. But I can show her I love her, and that I'm grateful I get to be her mom. 

And when she fails or screws up, I won't take it as a criticism of my parenting, but rather as a gift that I get to be the person for her who will always be there, and always love her. And when she fails (because we all do), I'll try to see it as a chance to practice being a better version of myself - the version that doesn't think it is all about me, or jump to judgement.  I'll try to see it as a chance to teach her how to love.

Somewhere around here I have a speech I wrote for a wedding.  In the speech at some point, I urged the bride and groom to do something (be kind towards one another, maybe?) and promised if they did, it would make the benefits of marriage more obvious. The skill of being gentle when you could be harsh is one I have had to practice.  Maybe it comes easily to others, but not to me. 

So I hoped as I wept looking at my girl, that when it is time to show her gentle love in the hard times I know she will face, that I will be able to.  And that it will be a contribution to her ability to love, and be loved. 

In the end, when I'm gone and later when she is too, maybe our great-great-grandkids will dance together and cry and be grateful for the chance to love one another. And I won't be here to see it, but a little piece of that goodness will be my legacy.

First Foods for Baby - my 2 cents

Its almost time to start feeding George solids.  He will be four months old at the end of this week.  I'm ripening an avocado for him to taste.  Wait, not rice?  At four months?  Avocado? Here's my thinking (and a couple of other people who agree with me):

Rice cereal, though popular, is not healthy for babies.  First of all, what ARE those flakes?  I give my other kids whole foods but I'm going to give the baby some processed, strange-looking food?  That makes no sense.  Really, I might as well mash up some white bread and spoon feed it to him.  Here is someone else who shares that view:



http://blog.sfgate.com/sfmoms/2010/12/02/dont-feed-babies-white-rice-cereal-local-pediatrician-says/
I also don't think that waiting until 6 months is a great idea.  I know its the current trend, but I think it is more important to look at the baby.  If the baby seems hungry, grabs for things, can hold his/her head up, then give it a try.  I'm not making this up people, this whole 'waiting until six months' thing is a trend that I think will swing the other way.  It's just my instinct, but here is one argument why my gut might be right:

http://news.healingwell.com/index.php?p=news1&id=533062
Additionally, for the first food, I'm pretty sure grains don't make sense.  I believe we were built for the environment in which we were created.  So, pretend I live like 2,000 years ago and I have a hungry 5 month old.  Would I boil grains and seeds and mash them and let them cool and give them to my baby with spoon?  I don't think I would.  I think I would find something already soft, cool, and delicious.  An avacado, a banana...its just what my instinct tells me. Then, after the baby was eating successfully (maybe a couple weeks later), I might give the baby some of what I was eating - probably a grainy cereal would start then.

http://baby.about.com/od/homemadebabyfood/qt/avocado_nutrition.htm

New Baby - What to Buy/Borrow

No matter how minimalist you want to be, there are going to be lots of things purchased/borrowed/gathered for a new baby.  Since I had gotten rid of everything, I had to do it all again for George.  Some items are not used for long and are easily gotten off of craigslist (bouncer chair, playmat, snap n go).

This is the list I developed:

Baby Bjorn (best after first 8 to 12 weeks)

New Native Sling (any simple sling will work)

Diaper Pail (must have a lid and a foot lever)

Diaper Covers (this is if you are going to use cloth)

Crib (and sheets and bumper)

Mobile (forget color coordinating with your room - get a super interesting one!  I like this one.)

Stroller (I abhor stroller systems!  Get a good quality stroller that fits in your car and is easy to push.  I have the 
City Mini, and a Maclaren in my car.)

Infant Car Seat

Snap n Go Stroller (Don't doubt me on this one.  You don't need a giant stroller system.  This Snap n Go is awesome, light, and a must-have for the first 3 months.)

Swaddling Blankets

Sleep Sound (sound machine)

diaper bag

Dresser/changing table

Baby Bath (I loved my Spa Baby but some people thought I was bonkers.  If you don't like the look of it, consider this ramp)

Baby wash/oil (Forget anything that isn't all natural.  Babies don't need to be slathered in chemicals!)

Diapers (We preferred cloth for the first three months.  I washed my own with one of my kids.  I highly recommend NOT doing that!  Use a service.)

Wipes (Again, as natural as possible! And, for the first 6 weeks, just use little washcloths and warm water.)

Baby Book (Write down some of those milestones!)

Baby Monitor (My cousin got me a video monitor with my 4th child.  It is fabulous!)

Burp Cloths

Bedside sleep spot (bassinet, co-sleeper etc. - I loved this one. )

Infant Gas Relief Drops

The Happiest Baby on the Block Book

Dr. Spock Baby and Childcare Book

Glamormom nursing tank tops

Nursing Pillow (Honestly, I have no idea why the Boppy is popular.  It stinks.  Go with the BreastFriend nursing pillow.  It is awesome)

Upholstered glider

exercise ball (I have no idea how new parents live without one of these!  Babies love the bouncing motion and mom or dad can 'sit' while soothing the baby)

0-3 months onesies and pajamas

Birth Decisions - this post might be upsetting

I have to share this video. If you don't want to watch something about male infant circumcision, don't click the link.


But if you are willing to consider the point of view that the surgery is harmful and wrong, you will find this lecture interesting.

youtube video "The Elephant in the Hospital"

I cannot understand why people are totally outraged at the idea of female genital mutilation, but completely numb to the common practice in this country of male genital mutilation.

One of the most thought provoking things about this to me is that the clinical and detached person performing the surgery in the short clip included in the lecture, is likely the same person who decided whether or not that baby's mother (and many other women), required an episiotomy, stitches, or a c-section during her birth process. When I watch that clip, I do not think, "Boy, that's the guy I want making decisions about my genitals!"

Infant - first 8 weeks!

During my pregnancy, I kept trying to remember what I actually needed for a new baby.  I thought I would take a moment and summarize what I have actually used during these first 8 weeks with little George.



1) A place to sleep:

We have the fisher-price snuggabunny sleeper next to our bed.  When George was brand new, we could set him down in this sleeper, all swaddled, and he stayed asleep.  I imagine he hardly noticed having been put down.  Also, it rocks, so after nursing at night I can rock him back to sleep easily.

2) A baby carrier:

I have a mei-tai style carrier, and have a hand-me down Moby wrap - both are great.  But, my all-time favorite is the new native carrier.  It it small when folded so easy to take along.  Also, it is so simple to put on - I can do it standing in a parking lot when we run into a store. I have used it with all four of my children and still love it.

3) Burp management:

I ended up supplementing feeding with some formula.  I think that has made burp (spit-up) management even more important!  First, I use simethicone drops.  If I forget for a day, I notice a marked increase in spit-up and discomfort. I also have been loving these adorable burp cloths, by aden and anais.  Since there is constantly one on my shoulder, I'm glad they are cute!

4) A snap-n-go:

Its obvious, right?  It carries the car seat so you don't have to wake a sleeping baby.

5) A play-mat:

By 4 or 5 weeks, a happy alert baby enjoys this!  It is a great 'activity' between feeding, diapering, and sleeping.

6) A theory:

I'm pretty sure if I met the authors of this book, On Becoming Babywise, we would not be friends.  I have a sneaking suspicion we don't agree about politics (I'm super liberal and I get the sense they are...um...not). However, this book underlies my understanding of how to manage a baby's schedule.  Seriously, it works.  Eat, awake, sleep. It seems simple and it really makes for a happier baby.

7) An infant scale:

For a nursing mother, knowing whether or not your baby is gaining weight can be the difference a sense of success, or a constant worry.  I rented an infant scale and it gave me the info I needed to stop worrying.

8) Noise Machines:

At night, we use the Marpac sound machine in our room.  That way, every little noise doesn't disturb George.  During the day, if George is snoozing in a noisy room, I use the sleep sheep.  It seems to enable him to sleep amid the bustle!

I'll keep adding to the list as I think of things!

What do you know about your house?

I am planning to give birth to this baby here, at our house. It was built about 110 years ago, and I would love to know how many other people we born here. I did a quick internet search and realized it is very easy to find out how much $ houses nearby sell for. It is only slightly more difficult to find out who bought them. It is also not very hard to find out a long-term price history for a house. And, of course, in most cases I could find a history of the owners of a home - though not as far back as 110 years.

Is there a record somewhere of how many people were born here?

Probably not. Amazingly, that information is not useful or meaningful to how we understand our communities, and the places in which we choose to live. It matters more what it cost, than what happened here.

What would it be like if we valued different information about the things around us? What if the most important things when we bought a house were the answers to questions like:

- Were people happy here?

- Was there a successful marriage here?

- Did people raise children here? How many?

- Did anyone die here? If they did, were they at peace?

I'm not arguing that this is how we SHOULD do things, I'm just thinking about how narrow we are when we asses our spaces, and the places where we will live our lives.

When we first moved in, there was a ghost living here. She was a lovely lady and very polite. But soon after, a couple of less polite spirits made themselves at home. With the help of my sister (see my link to her site), we ushered them all out. It was a huge step for our family in feeling ownership over this house. Quite honestly, I felt more ownership after that than I did after we signed the mortgage papers (In that case, we STILL don't own it, right? It is still the bank's).

Here are some tips about finding out more about the history of your home:

http://www.wikihow.com/Research-the-History-of-Your-House

Screen Time

I think I might be pretty weak in this area. Whenever I bring it up, the moms I talk to seem to have a better sense of reasonable 'screen time' limits. My little guy, in particular, would spend most of the day hanging out with one screen or another (computer, tv, wii, ipad) if I let him.

My current rule is he gets 1/2 hour per day of screen games, plus he might watch 1/2 hour of tv at night. But to be fair, that doesn't include the 20 minutes he might play on my phone while waiting in pick-up line for his sisters. Or the times I hand him my phone in a store so I can finish my errands. Or the times he has used up that 1/2 hour, and I let him sit near me in the kitchen playing on pbskids while I'm busy.

If someone has a system for screen times that seems to work well, I would love to hear it.

How much is too much, and how do you manage it?